Brew Me Some

I was going to get my wife a Keurig Coffee maker for Christmas, but she decided that she didn’t want one. Of course one week after Christmas she informed me that the single cup brewer was a must have. She simply didn’t want one for Christmas. And just like that, a Keurig arrived in the mail 7-10 days later.

These coffee makers are a little pricey but make a great cup of coffee. You can keep a variety of flavors on hand, including teas, and you only brew as much as you drink. But at just under a dollar a cup, it gets expensive when you have family and friends over.

They also sell a brewing insert, so you don’t have to buy the expensive single servings. Instead, you can dump in your Folgers and experience the best part of waking up.

A Penny For Your Thoughts

In honor of Honest Abe's 200th birthday, the U.S. Treasury redesigned the penny. It's a nice thought but doesn't make a lot of "cents." Whatever. It was a good attempt for a lame play on words.
Americans hardly use the penny anymore. Many people think it should be removed from our currency. Instead we through money at it through a redesign. Not my idea of a good use of government money.

You know the economy is bad when instead of being bummed because you didn't get a yearly raise, you're happy that you didn't get laid off. See, there is a brighter side. We all now have lowered expectations regarding success.

Why Heath Ledger will win the Oscar.

When you look at all of the supporting roles up for the Oscar, you can legitimately see Heath Ledger playing each role. When you look at all of the other actors who got a nod for a supporting role, it’s very difficult to believe any of them could have pulled off the Joker in the same fashion as Heath Ledger.

Man On Wire

This is as documentary about a French dude that snuck into the World Trade Centers at night, strung a tight rope between the two towers, and walked across it a total of eight times back in 1974.

With actual home footage of his early years and pictures of this daring stunt, “Man On Wire” blew my mind a little. And if your disregarding the stunt’s difficulty, take a second and really think about walking across a wire with no safety net at over 1300-feet in the air. If that doesn’t freak you out a little, you’re lying to yourself. And nobody likes a liar.

If you like documentaries, definitely check this one out. The subject matter isn’t too heavy, but the natural tension still permeates throughout.

Why Were We Angry Again?

According to the New York Times, pro pot organizations are ripping Kellogs for not resigning Phelps to a new contract and organizing petitions and boycotts against Kellogs’ products.

Do potheads really have that much motivation?

SHAM WOW!

As a revolt against the Snuggie, I bought the Sham Wow this last weekend. Okay, it might not actually be the brand name Sham Wow, but it’s the same thing. This one is sold on QVC and uses identical methods of demonstration for selling the product.

I was at a local trade show when I got sucked into one of these booth demonstrations, and I have to admit that I was impressed. I don’t consider myself much of a sucker. I know there are a lot of ways to imply perfection on infomercials, but it’s harder to give me the old slight of hand in person. Granted, I’m yet to use my miracle cloth, but I’ve seen the magic with my own eyes.

So far, the only reason it might be a waste is because I don’t think to use it. Time will tell though.

Grammys, Miley, and my headache

I only watched about an hour of the Grammys last night. I love music, but for some reason the Grammys never really catch my interest. I did see Miley Cyrus present an award though. Before reading the winner, she pointed to herself and mouthed "me." As if saying she should be the winner - she wasn't even nominated. I know she was joking, but why is this little girl such a d-bag. She loaded, but she needs to start filtering some of her antics. I'm not impressed.

It's like the damn Jonas Brothers. They need to quite believing all of the hype too. They may have had energy on stage, but they looked like complete tools trying to out perform Stevie Wonder. I get it, 12-year-olds love you. Everyone else doesn't care. Maybe in 10 years you can go on a reunion tour with Hanson and relive the good old days before you actually turn 30.

Oh yeah, and I'm sick. I have a headache and that blows.

Tiger Woods on the Wii

I finally broke down and devoted three hours of my life to playing Tiger Woods Golf on the Nintendo Wii. I've been a long time advocate of the Tiger Woods on other platforms, but since becoming an actual adult, I haven't been able to invest much of my energy into games. However, this weekend my dad and brother were in town, and while the weather wasn't adequate for golfing outdoors, the temps were great inside.

Tiger on the Wii is awesome, and here's why. Playing Tiger on the Playstation 2, I became too accustomed to scoring in the low 40s per 18 holes. You can simply control too much. Added power, the perfect spin, and an adjusted hitting angle prompted birdie after birdie. But with the Wii, it's a little bit more of a guessing game. This not only makes it more competitive for everyone involved, but it also adds some realism to the game. I do recommend buying a golf club controller holder at Ross for 5 bucks though. It heightens the experience twofold.

Plus, you're constantly standing up and sitting down to make your swings. I wouldn't say you're getting a work out. But you're doing more than just sitting on your ass.

New Yorkenomics

A recent report released by the Center for an Urban Future found that a person living in New York City would have to make $124,000 a year to have the same standard of living as someone living in Houston. They would have to bring home $60K to mirror the same lifestyle of someone in Atlanta. And with the average monthly cost of rent exceeding $2,800 and the average monthly cost of daycare reaching $2,000, it’s easy to see why more and more middle class families are leaving the Big Apple.

And that is the main reason my wife and I packed our bags and headed back to the west coast.

94.7 fm

94.7 fm in Portland, Ore. is single handily ruining 90s music and indie rock. That's the station we listen to in our office, and it has become painfully obvious that they play the same song list everyday. At least when the top 40 gets ruined by the radio, you expect it. I'm now sick of half the bands that a lot of mainstream listeners don't even have on their radar.

Not to mention, there love of the "Rock Band" lineup. I should be able to play almost every song on the game "Rock Band" due to the frequency they fill the waves on 94.7. Then they have the audacity to run promo spots claiming how cool they are for playing only underground indie rock. News flash! Just because it's underground, doesn't mean you still can't play it into the ground.

You’ve Been Learned

New York City was first referred to as Gotham in 1807 by Washington Irving in the satirical piece the “Salmagundi Papers.” However, it was originally a nickname for Nottinghamshire, England, whose clever peasants pretended to be stupid in order to dissuade King John from taking residence there. Or so the story goes.

Apparently, the current residents of Gotham now “pretend” to be abrasive and rude so that most socially conscious people won’t want to live there. Unless of course, you’re loaded, and you can afford to live high above all the feigning city dwellers.

Is this life imitating art, or art imitating life? Man, I hate that line. It ranks high on the list of movie clichés. I guess it merely explains man’s inhumanity towards man. Damn, there I go again.

Streak for the Cash

I'm now taking part in ESPN's Streak for the Cash game. For those of you who don't know, it allows you to join a group (similar to fantasy sports) and try to pick the winner of key match-ups throughout the day. If you get 27 right in a row, you have the chance at winning some coin.

I've learned two things from this game already. (1) I don't check it often enough to really compete. (2) I should never go to Vegas. I've tried my hand at 14 different events over the last 3 weeks, and I've only gotten 3 right. Yet, I keep trying. 

Christian Bale Goes Crazy!

Bale lost his cool while filming Terminator Salvation. A lighting guy walked on set while he was shooting a scene prompting Bale to erupt in anger and expletives for 4 minutes. The dude went nuts. 

I tell you what, he's a damn good actor, but he can't seem to separate his real life from the land of make believe. I know actors have to put themselves into character and all that mumbo jumbo, but Bale has repeatedly gone bat-sh*t-crazy on set. This combined with his over-the-top Batman voice is starting to push me away. 

Come back to us Christian. Go to your happy place, so I can continue to enjoy your mostly awesome movies.

Rest In Peace Rock 'n Roll

50 years ago today, Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper all died in a plane crash after one of their shows. They chartered a plane, so they wouldn't have to travel the 400 miles to the next venue in a tour bus that had no heat in it during a snow storm. This has long since been considered "the day the music died."

Don Gets a Cyber High-Five!

There's nothing more annoying that those who proclaim their embarrassment to be American while enjoying a higher education, driving around new cars, sipping lattes, and going to bed without the fear of their house being bombed over night.

I actually heard someone say that they would rather die than have another Republican president... and they were serious! Really? I know things haven't been the best in our country lately, but read a National Geographic once and awhile. If you want to see hardship, it's out there. If having a Republican president and a couple of years of a down economy is the worst thing that happens to the American people, than thank God. At least we're not experiencing civil war, widespread famine, or having to live in 4-foot by 4-foot tin huts.

I love the new found patriotism our country is exhibiting, but I've also never seen such a full political ban-wagon in my life. I'm all about change and making this country the best it can be, but we need to start putting things in to perspective.

Super Bowl Ads

I was definitely let down by the Super Bowl ads this year. I don't expect the best advertising of the year. I don't even expect to be rolling in laughter in 30-second intervals. But I do expect that for the amount of money being shelled out for each spot, they should at least write a script that makes sense and has a payoff.

Take the SOBE dancing lizard/football player train wreck. Can someone please tell me what the hell that was about. The ad made no sense, it wasn't funny, and there was no payoff in the end. And to think they paid millions of dollars for that spot.

The Doritos ads were funny, but inconsistent. The crystal ball Doritos ad started out great, but the second half where the dude hits his boss in the balls, and then that weird guys screams in his face just got creepy. Their other ad where the dude bites a chip to make magical things happen had no payoff what-so-ever. He gets hit by a bus. Really? That's all you got. At least give me a rhyme or reason for the magical chips.

The majority just seemed like they were half baked and half-assed. Miller's 1-second ad had the strongest storyline of the bunch, and it was only 1-second long - the story line being that they didn't want to shell out the cash and get lost in the shuffle, which has created great buzz for pennies on the dollar.

Maybe advertisers are putting too much pressure on themselves, or maybe they are relying too heavily on consumer contests for their ideas. Great ideas can come from random places, but if you're going to have an average Joe write your ad, you should at least give it a once-over for clarity.

News Flash

I’m embarrassed to admit that I didn’t realize the motorcycle manufacturer “Orange County Choppers” is located in Orange County, New York instead of California. I suppose I never really paid attention to the show that much, but still, those dudes are definitely from New York. Not to mention the fact that I used to work for a motorcycle magazine back when the show was gaining traction. Whatever. Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

Super Bowl is Super Lame and Super Awesome.

I love the Super Bowl, but I can't stand the 2 weeks leading up to the big game. All you hear on every sport's channel is the same rehashing of boring story lines. I get it, the Cardinals are underdogs, Kurt Warner is old, and their coach used to work for the Steelers. All of this can easily be covered in one day. I don't need to hear 300 different analysts recant the same story for two weeks.

It completely ruins sport talk shows for 14 full days. Yes, the Super Bowl is the biggest sporting event in the U.S., but there are other things going on in the world of athletics. Hopefully when they move the Pro Bowl to the weekend before the Super Bowl, it will help balance out the way journalists cover this event.

Snuggie Update 

**This is the last time I comment on this. I was pulled back in through the links on Don's blog.**

At what point during this party do they drink the Kool Aid and take a ride on the magical comet?

The End is Near

With over 4-million sold, the Snuggie is becoming this decade's Pet Rock. Yes, the blanket with sleeves is selling fast despite or maybe because of it's cheesy late night TV ads. 

This is amazing, this blanket has arms, so you can drink your beer and change the channel without having to expose your elbows to the icy cold conditions in your living room. How did I live without it? Yes, that was my inner dialogue just now. And yet, despite my own convincing arguments, I still fought off the urge to grab the phone and make an order. 

Talk shows, comedians, and bloggers continue to mock this ingeniously simple design (me included), but people keep ordering more. Go figure. I guess you can never underestimate the power press...good or bad.

The Rocker

A middle-aged drummer who missed out on his chance at fame and glory 20 years earlier is trying to make a comeback with his nephew’s high school band. It makes perfect sense, I guess. This was actually a pretty good flick. Actor Rainn Wilson of “The Office” holds his own on screen. He takes his character to a level of immature longing that Will Ferrell failed to do in “Step Brothers.” He was believably pathetic, yet the movie still managed to have a heart. The romantic interest, however, didn't work. The love interest needed to be much more flawed in order to compete with Wilson onscreen. Overall, the comedy was decent, and the plot wasn’t that far fetched in this day and age. You won’t be rolling for the full 102 minutes, but it has enough gags to make it worth watching.

Bangkok Dangerous

Nicholas Cage is an assassin with a heart. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have an agent with a brain. This pile of crap was lame from beginning to end. The plot line in the previews didn’t even play out until the last 20 minutes of the movie. I’m not a seasoned screenwriter, but I do know that the conflict is supposed to take shape way before the third act. If it wasn’t 2 a.m., and I wasn’t awake feeding my child with nothing else to do, I would have definitely turned this movie off before minute 30. Sorry Cage. 

B League 

After years away from the court, I decided to join an intramural basketball league with my old college buddies. We had our first game last night in what was labeled as the “B” league. After the game, I came to three conclusions: 

1. I am not as quick as I used to be. Even though I can still run up and down the court, I’ve definitely lost my fist step.  Either that or I was simply intimidated by the giants on the other team, which is equally as bad.
2. Several years away from the gym are kinder to some than others.
3. We should have looked for the “C” league. We were going up against a group of kids that were twice as fast, could jump twice as high, and were 3-times more dedicated. I’m not sure if they joined the wrong league or we are way worse than we all remember. I’ll bet it’s somewhere in-between. 

Regardless, I look forward to the next month of this ego-treatment. It will be a good jump-start to getting back in to shape. I’ll also get a little street cred back, which will help me legitimize the words I write at work. So I guess my loss is actually my gain too. Not bad. 

Sneaker Heads Unite!

I wouldn't consider myself a sneaker head. In fact, most of my life has been spent in Payless shoes. However, since I started working for an ad agency, I've not only been able to afford better shoes, I've also gained an appreciation for them - mostly due to the research I've put in over the last 6 months.

A lot of the "hot" kicks on the market sell to their targeted demographic, which usually isn't me. So it's nice to see something that grabs my attention on the first view. That being said, I have to agree with Donnie on his pedi-crush for the new Nike ACG Air Pegasus Hybrid.This is a slick specimen that I would gladly wear on the trail and then to the office. 

I would have to see if these Air Pegasus' are waterproof before I replaced my current hikers with them. But I would definitely add them to my repertoire for the sunny days. Look at me getting all geeked up about shoes.

The Love Guru

I knew the Love Guru was going to suck. That's why I put off watching. Yet, I was still let down. I turned it off after 30 minutes. Not even Jessica Alba could keep my interest.

Other movies I've recently seen in the last 3 weeks:
Pineapple Express - funny, not as gory as people said. It was drug humor with a heart... kind of.
WAR Inc. - Baaaaaaad. It wasn't funny enough to funny, and it wasn't real enough to take seriously.
The Mummy 3 - Why did I have enough time on my hands to watch this? I want my two hours back.
Righteous Kill - Okay but underwhelming.
Hellboy II - Fun effects. Bad franchise. I need to find better things to do when my kid keeps me up at night.
The Foot Fist Way - Funny as a short. Exhausting as a feature.
The Dark Knight - Still a great movie.
Burn After Reading - Quirky and a lot of fun.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Benjamin Button is a methodical narrative about the life of a man who ages backwards. Brad Pitt’s character (Benjamin) was born arthritic, wrinkled, and brittle. But as the year’s go by and he gets bigger, his body actually gets younger. The story is told through a recounting on a death bed (the movies main flaw), but the message rises above.

Directed by David Fincher (Fight Club, Zodiac, Seven) Button is visually pleasing. The special effects are flawless and a healthy amount of quirkiness is inserted when necessary. The pacing starts off slowly as Fincher lays the groundwork for the emotional backbone. And even though the film’s pace doesn’t dramatically increase, I was dramatically drawn in.

Perhaps it’s because I now have a wife and kids, but it has been awhile since I’ve been so affected by a story that explores the idea of mortality and the relationships you chose to nurture in life. At a butt numbing 3-hours long, my body wore down before my interest did. And by the end, I was holding back tears. It wasn’t a perfect movie, but it was good. I hope it gives “Slumdog Millionaire” a run at the Oscars if only for the thematic journey it takes you on.

**note** If you’re a movie goer that needs constant stimulation and plot twists, this is not for you. But if you enjoy a good story, give it a chance.

Slumdog Millionaire

Slumdog Millionaire is a movie about a young man in India who goes onto India’s version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” in order to get his love interest’s attention. This movie has taken on the role of this year’s “critics darling” for the Oscar run, so I figured I had better check it out to see what all the fuss is about.

Generally speaking, it was a good movie. The first half was ripe with hardships and humor as your thrust into the realities of how some people are forced to live. The young actors do an amazing job running from bad situations to worse situations. In fact, it almost feels like the whole first half of the movie is spent on the move, which is why the second half of the movie becomes a little stale. The main characters grow up as the film takes a turn to your traditional love story.

Was it feel good? Yes. Was it an emotional roller coaster? At times. Was it the best movie of the year? No. Slumdog is a fully capable film. But by the end, I felt it didn’t quite deliver what the first half had promised. Not to mention the traditional Bollywood sequence during the credits completely removes you from the reality you were just expected to believe. So when you leave the theater, you’re unfortunately left with a cheesy recount of the film.

The Oscars are Upon Us

Since the wife and I don't get to visit the cineplex much anymore, we actually hired a baby sitter for this Sunday, so we can have a marathon viewing extravaganza. Our goal is to watch at least three Oscar nominated films in one day. 

Hey, I have to defend my Oscaritorian trophy I won last year. My good friend Eric and my wife have held the trophy for the previous three years. But now that my name graces the statue, I don't plan on giving it up. 

The Everybodyfields – Nothing is Okay

This Tennessee duet gives us 12 tracks of despondent Indie bluegrass in a good way. Where Bon Iver doesn’t break through vocally, The Everybodyfields does. It’s not a perfect collection of songs. The male vocals (Sam Quinn) don’t deliver as strong as the female vocals (Jill Andrews), but the overall combination works. Pleasantly, the lead vocals change from song to song, which helps differentiate the feel of each track. The Tennessee influence drives most of the album using a yearning fiddle and lap steel. I would be surprised if at least one song isn’t scooped up by a Zach Braff film.

Donnie has lucked out. His car will remain note free. I give this album a thumbs up. It’s great for easy listening, drinking in the dark, and reflecting about your past.

Blind Faith? Maybe.

I ordered "The Everybodyfields - nothing is ok" because Donnie told me to. It better not suck. If it does, I'm driving to his house and putting a note on his car that says, "Your music suggestions suck...Douche."

Luckily for Donnie, Amazon's suggestions regarding "things I might like according to my browsing history" included them. So he just might make it out of this without having to read a hurtful note. 

Circuit City Shorts Out

Man, my wordplay is top-notch. Seriously though, after 60 years in business, Circuit City is closing its doors. They will eventually have a fire sale on all of their goods. But make sure you check the prices. I've been to several closeout sales before where the prices aren't good at all.

50%-75% off of marked up merchandise can easily equate to paying almost full price on something you can't return. Not to mention, a lot of the stuff on sale has been on display for weeks, which can shorten the life expectancy of most electronics.

Behold!



I was supposed to edit a short Internet video together for a client that demonstrated how to use the strap on one of their bags. After receiving the footage, I realized the audio was unusable, and the shot selection was nearly impossible to edit together in a normal capacity. IDEA! I decided to create a silent film instead, which luckily fit their new brand identity.

When the video was compressed for the web, I lost some of the worn film look, but the overall effect is still there.

Fat Cats Get Fatter
Nope, this isn’t a play on words. My wife has a fat cat that seems to only be getting fatter. When we moved back from New York, our black cat tipped the scales at roughly 16-pounds. I don’t know if you’ve ever picked up a 16-pound cat, but they are heavier than you’d expect.

Regardless, this cat lost a good five pounds over the course of a year. But like most cats on diets, she couldn’t keep the weight off. She started packing on the pounds this winter, but it wasn’t until we went on a week long trip in December that she ballooned out of control.

During our trip to Montana, we simply left a bin of cat food available to all of the cats to munch on – better too much than too little, right? When we returned, I noticed most of the food was gone. I didn’t think anything of it until I picked the cat up off my bed the other day.

To make a long story short, the cat weighs in at 19 pounds. That’s nearly three times heavier than my new baby. My wife didn’t believe me until I handed the fatty to her, and she almost dropped her. I don’t have pics on this computer, but I will post some later. It’s ridiculous.

Karma My Ass

My wife was in a hurry when she pulled into Fred Meyer to pick up a couple of things. She parked away from the building, so she didn’t have to worry about squeezing into a tight spot. Not paying too much attention, she took up two parking spaces and ran inside with the baby in tow. When she returned to her car a couple of minutes later, someone actually took the time to put a note on her car that read, “Nice parking job ass wipe. Karma will get you.”

Wow. I didn’t realize Karma paid so much attention to parking jobs. Even more so, I can’t believe Karma is so harsh on mothers carrying around kids and car seats. Luckily for the author of the note, apparently Karma looks the other way when it comes to writing childish and anonymous notes on people’s cars. And what kind of person does it take to write a nasty note to someone’s car knowing that it is completely anonymous. I say, “Tell it to my face, or take your feeble ass home so your mom can tuck you in.”

Seriously, I’m in the kind of mood today that if I saw the person writing that note on my car, I would take over to them and punch ‘em in face. How’s that for Karma, ass wipe. Then again, I would probably never take up two parking places in the first place.

TGI Mother Effing Friday

It's Friday whether you like it or not. I for one, like it. The sun isn't shining, but it sure as hell is trying. I'm tired, but not as tired as I was yesterday. And I have a full workload on my desk, which always feels good.

So enjoy the weekend because in a couple of days we get to suit up and do it all over again. That's right, I said "get to." This life is a privilege, and we need to start acting like it. How's that for a soap box moment. Pans Ho! (that's oh snap backwards).

Tired.

I knew I would be tired. I was hoping I wouldn’t be as tired as I was with my first baby, but one never knows. And even though my son has been considerably easier to take care of than my daughter was, I don’t seem to be getting any more sleep.

The worst part is that my wife handles most of the night stuff since she is on maternity leave. But I still wake up, and I still have a hard time falling back to sleep. I know she is getting run down, which is actually keeping me awake more than the baby stuff. How’s that for ironic?

Regardless, I knew I would be tired. But even if you expect something, it doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to deal with. It’s a good thing my kids are so cute. Otherwise, I might be bitter about my exhaustion.

Preperation H

Did I mention that I got a hemorrhoid the other day from all of the strenuous sitting that I do. Research says that 60% of all people will get them by the time they are 50-years-old. I guess now I don’t have to wait to scratch that one off my list.

Regardless, I don’t recommend them. They happen to be very uncomfortable and unflattering to the rump region. You know what they say, “there’s nothing like a hemorrhoidal flare up to make a guy feel middle-aged and on the verge of normalcy.” Actually, I’m not sure they say that at all.

Did I mention I had a baby boy!

Well technically my wife had the baby, but I was heavily involved. His name is Henry Luke and he was born on the December 20th. I have a legitimate family now. Go figure.

What's all of this white stuff?

Okay, so it might not have been the storm of the century, but it was enough to shut down Portland, Ore. for an entire week. Sure, the 8-12 inches of snow that covered the city streets paled in comparison to the 30+ inches my hometown in Montana received over the same time period, but when the Metro area is only used to 1-2 inches, that extra white stuff causes quite a ruckus. That’s right, I just said “ruckus.”

Streets shut down, cars were snowed in, and businesses stayed closed. Schools started their winter vacations early forcing many parents to work from home. I spent an entire day driving my boss around town because his car was entombed in snow. I pulled people out of ditches, lost my wedding ring in the process, and got to work from home because no one else in this city has 4-wheel-drive. I was even shamed into buying chains, which I never used, but still can't return because I lost the receipt. Damn you peer pressure.

Oh well. It was fun watching the city folk squirm for awhile - but not in a mean way. And even though I've seen much worse, it was still quite a storm for an unexpecting city.

Holy Crap!

I've been out of commission for awhile now. During the last three weeks, I've had a baby, survived a snow storm, and made it through the holiday season. Did I mention that I have another kid now. Exhausting. I know.

You've Been Learned

According to DidYouKnow.cd, about 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace. This is called propinquity.

I guess that means that the other 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of where somebody else grew up. I'm sure if I think about that, I can easily argue that it is wrong. I just feel like it.

Not Messin’ Around

Alright, I’ll admit that I laugh in the face of snow. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a little bit of white menace that can be brushed aside. Snow is like the skinny white guy in baggy pants acting gangster. Snow is Vanilla Ice and Danny Bonaduce. Ohhh, look at the snow. It’s so cute when it gets angry.

But tomorrow there’s a chance we may get freezing rain. Not even I am dumb enough to mock the freezing rain Gods. That stuff doesn’t mess around. It’s basically tiny car crashes falling from the sky. It’s droplets of power outages covering the ground. It is 4x4 trucks sliding down driveways, tree branches crushing un-expecting rooftops. Freezing rain is Charles Manson and the guy who shot 50 cent. It’s bad news with every potential to stop the presses.

And as much as I laughed at the snow storm while driving my car without chains, I will respect the freezing rain and stay home. I will buy my extra water. I will make sure my candles have wicks. Achilles had his heel, Sampson could lose his hair. I have freezing rain.

Just kidding. Freezing rain is for women and small children. Bring it on Jack Frost!

This video has been on YouTube for awhile now, but it's still awesome. Check out the kid in the blue shirt trying to steal some of the spotlight. Either that, or he just can't control his urge to groove. I dig little man. Sometimes you just can't fight the power...the power of dance.

You’ve Been Learned

Chances are you’ve heard the term “non-sequitur” before. Heck, it was even the name of a comic strip. But what does it actually mean? You probably have a faint idea, but here is the the actual meaning. Non-Sequitur is Latin for “it does not follow.” So it is something they may not be logical or supported by facts. Kind of like my blog.

Pans Ho bitches! That’s Oh Snap backwards – except for the bitches part. That’s normal.

Give Me a Break

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t think I’m the king ding-a-ling of winter or anything. I did grow up in Montana, and I have been exposed to winter-like conditions before. I’m well aware that that doesn’t make me special. I also can understand how someone who is not used to such conditions would have a little bit of trouble when the snow starts to fly. That being said, however, I do have a problem with the Doom and Gloom mentality of the local news stations regarding their coverage of this weekend’s storm.

I sat through 1-hour of local news yesterday morning. Every 5-minutes I received an update from some “very concerned” reporter on location. “The wind is blowing. And as you can see, there are a couple of snow flakes coming down.”

Holy crap! Stop the presses. Do we really need five reporters on location to show us how “nasty” 2-inches of snow can be? Yes, the roads get slick. But this is not the end of the world. If you have chains, put them on. If not, you slow down and avoid some of the hills.

But this big hullabaloo about “if you don’t have to leave your house today, don’t,” is a little over the top even for Portland. We get 2 of these storms every year. Get use to it. Leave your house early. Drive slower. And don’t watch the news unless you want an update on the end of civilization as we know it…Because in weather like this, even hell can freeze over. Dun, dun, dun.

Let It Snow.

We're supposed to get a couple of inches of snow in Portland this weekend, which is cool. The ski hills around the area are expecting several feet on Sunday. Follow that up with a week's worth of high temps in the low 20s, and I'd say winter has finally nestled into the northwest.

What's in a name?

Do you ever Google yourself, but when you click on your name, someone else shows up? I never knew I was so possessive about my name until I found out that some douche bag on a Go-Kart has been using it. Who the hell are you, Go-Kart guy?

The worst part is that he’s probably sitting at home staring at his computer saying “Why does some dumb ass from Portland keep using my name to fill the web with worthless fodder?” Damn this cycle of irony!

Invisible Monsters

I recently read “Invisible Monsters” by Chuck Palahniuk. Where do I begin? This book was written as a statement to the publishers who didn’t want to pick up “Fight Club” because they thought it was too disturbing. This is was his F-You to the mainstream.

That being said, Monsters was one of the most sexually perverse and sadistic books I’ve ever read or can imagine reading. It’s hard to get through the first 100 pages not only because of the content, but because his story structure resembles that of buck shot. It’s like he wrote a book, individually cut out every paragraph, shuffled them up and pasted them back together.

I cannot in good conscience recommend this book to anyone. However, if your mind frequently travels to dark places like my own, I can say you will be intrigued. By the time I finished "Invisible Monsters” I was contented. I enjoyed the payoff of the story, and I’ve always been a fan of Palahniuk’s writing style. I anxiously await his new material. But at the same time, I’m a little worried about that fact.

Hey Fella

Next week I turn 28-years-old, and I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it. I’m no longer a kid, but I don’t really feel like an adult. I’m holding on tight to my boyish good looks, but wouldn’t mind resembling a man. So what does that make me?

As far as I can figure, it makes me a fella – ‘goodfella,’’ badfella,’ or even just a ‘hey fella.’ It’s not so bad being a fella. It’s better than being a ‘hey you’ or ‘that guy.’ I suppose fella is a good non-descript description of what I am or maybe of what I’m not. I’m young but have a family. I’m responsible but immature. I’m driven and lazy – not too much of one and thing and not too little of another. I seem to fall right there in the middle.

Maybe that means I’m just the right amount. Not being too much or too little of something focuses on the ‘not.’ Perhaps I need to focus on the ‘am?’ I suppose that’s what a fella would do.

Congress may step in

A Texas congressman is writing a bill that will make it illegal to promote a College BCS National Championship game without using a playoff system. The bill "will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a 'national championship' football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice." - as quoted by ESPN.com.

I can only imagine that congressmen have more dire things to think about in this brief moment in history. However, a playoff system would be pretty bad-ass in college football. Maybe a Hawaiian congressman will finally step up and make wearing socks with sandals a violation of the Obviously Not in Good Taste Act. The possibilities are endless. Of course, we might also want to consider stabilizing the economy and reducing our dependence on foreign oil. But in the meantime, can you imagine a California where it’s against the law to wear a fanny packs in conjunction with Khaki shorts? Or a world that finally recognizes that Futbol is actually called Soccer? It's crazy!

The Bloody Show?
(Eric beware, this is slightly graphic)

I try not to question a lot of things in life (this is actually a false statement. I question just about everything). Well then how about, I don’t a let a lot of gruesome hospital things bother me (that works, but I should really limit my internal dialogue while writing – Point taken).

Regardless, my wife just had another weekly exam because we’re getting down to last couple of weeks in her pregnancy. After the appointment, I went back to work and tried to determine a rough estimate of where she’s at in her pre-labor timeline. This is where I was reminded about all of those fun terms used to describe the body. The one I can’t quite get out of my head, however, is the “bloody show.” Do they really have to call it that?

I understand it accurately describes what happens down there (the female’s mucus plug dislodges and exits the body). But really, the bloody show? This is not a form of entertainment we are all tuning into. They didn’t pull out this label when naming the “period.” And I’m pretty sure it’s because people don’t want to be reminded about what’s actually happening down there. It’s a little disturbing.

So instead of the “bloody show,” maybe we can refer to this event as the “red storm.” (No, that one more accurately describes the period). Or perhaps, we could call it the “prelude,” the “hyphen,” or even the “pink genie.” It’s just a thought.

Out Smart the Market.

The recent downturn in real estate has really affected the economy. Luckily, I invested all of my money in real estate on the moon. And my mom and dad thought that I wouldn’t amount to anything.

The Thought of the Day

I’ve come to realize that the reward for solving someone’s problems is being handed more problems.

O.J. now stands for Orange Jumpsuit

Yes, I am clever. Anyway, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to as many as 33-years in prison today for his involvement in an attempted robbery in Las Vegas. He will be eligible for parole after nine of those years.

I’m an advocate for tough sentencing, but if you compare the judgment to other outcomes for armed robbery, it sure seems a little stiff. According to TotalCriminalDefense.com, the state court’s average sentence for armed robbery is 6.5 years while the federal court’s average only increases to 9.

Perhaps I don’t have all of the information dealing with the Simpson case, but it sure seems like he was sentenced for more than the Las Vegas incident.

You've been learned

In medical terminology the word "stat" obviously means quickly. But what was it derived from? Stat is actually short for the Latin word "Statim," which means immediately. So there you have it.

A Good Day

You know it's going to be a good day when it's 9 in the a.m. and your urine already smells like coffee. That means your body is fueled up and ready to roll.

It’s Official

They officially declared that our economy is in a recession. I don’t know who “they” are, but I think they are a couple of weeks late on this one.

The Joys of Parenthood

My daughter has reached the ripe old age of 19-months. And with that milestone, she has also developed several habits that make life as a parent much more trying – I mean fun. One being that my little angel has mastered the phrase “why?”

You would think that you could reason with the why, but you can’t. Sure, I come up with answers just as quickly as she can spout out her retort, but it gets exhausting. It’s to the point now where I’m starting to think that she doesn’t even care about what I have to say. In fact, I’m not entirely sure she even knows what why means. For example, this morning the following occurred:

“No honey, you can’t watch Blues Clues now.”
“Why?”
“Because daddy is watching ESPN.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s my morning ritual.”
“Why?”
“Because I work at a sports advertising firm, and I like to be up-to-date on the current issues.”
“Why?”
“So I can keep my job and afford to buy you all of that stupid shit you never play with but for some reason mommy thinks you still need.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure, maybe you should ask mommy about that.”
“Mommy, here?”
“No, mommy is sleeping.”
“Why?”

This is cute if you are watching a friend’s kid for an hour or two. This is cute if you’re visiting a relative and you want to show them how understanding and relaxed you are as a parent. This is not cute at 7 in the morning everyday of the week.

Black Friday may not save you green!

The day after Thanksgiving is the kickoff of the holiday shopping season, but that doesn't mean it's the best time of year to shop. I read last year that statistically speaking, the weekend before Christmas offers the best all around deals. I know that it’s hard to ignore the hullaballoo that surrounds Black Friday, but is it really worth the effort?

If you’re in the market for a plasma TV or a laptop computer, you can find some great deals by heading to the stores before dawn, but does the average consumer really have these big ticket items on their lists? I, for one, don’t. So this year I scanned the deals in the papers, but did most of my shopping online. Here’s what I found.

I got the same deal plus free shipping by doing my shopping on the web. In fact, I went out for a couple of hours on Friday to see what the fuss was about, but instead of getting the deal of the century, I only got a headache. I found that most stores only allow a small handful of people actual get the door buster prices. So even if you were in line at 5 a.m., you still may leave empty handed. At Joe’s Sporting goods for example, they had a GPS unit that was $150 dollars off. But if you weren’t one of eight people with the magic ticket, you had to keep shopping. Oddly enough, that was the only GPS unit on sale in the store. So all of those people who didn’t score the big deal ended up buying full price gear purely because they were amidst the shopping frenzy. I, however, went home and bought a unit online that was $60 cheaper than it was in the store.

At Toys R Us I found that a lot of toys were on sale, but none of the ones I was looking for. Best Buy offered a handful of deals, but nothing I couldn’t get online. And Target had just as many deals on Saturday as they did on Friday. All of this added up for a whole lot of wasted hype for me.

It's funny how excited people get at the idea of spending money when in fact there is a really good chance they are paying full price for most of their items. Of course, maybe I just need to be added more big ticket items to my shopping list.

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!

It's hard to buy into this guy completely. But watch this video anyways. Don't stop it after two minutes and be like "whatever, he doesn't know me." Watch the whole damn thing because truth be told, he hits the nail on the head. If you're not willing to sacrifice for it, then you don't really want it...Or you just want something else a little more.

It's not about getting rich. It's about having the drive within yourself to make a change in your life. If nothing else, he bring a lot of passion to the table, which is a good start for anybody.

Does this dance make me look too feminine?

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Rates of new cancer diagnoses have fallen for the first time ever. Yeah! But lung cancer diagnoses actually increased in 18 states. Boo. Smoking is bad!

Electric Baby

I like working on my house, but recently, the outlets in my kitchen went out. I replaced the GFIs and that didn't work. Now I'm moving on to the breaker box. This scares me a little. I'm not a fan of poking and prodding around large electrical sources. Perhaps the time I shocked myself through a bad outlet has stuck with me more than I thought. Or maybe it was that time I got tangled up in that electric fence. Although, it could also be all of those times I shocked myself with my wife's stun gun to make sure it would stop an attacker. Regardless, as much as I enjoy working on my house, I prefer leaving electricity to the professionals. Keep your finger's crossed for me.

That’s what drives me nuts!

I can’t stand it when people are waiting at a red light and they leave 20-30 feet between them and the car in front of them. This is so ridiculous. When you’re stopped at a light, there’s no reason why you can’t be right up on the car in front of you. Traffic gets backed up in cities not because there are too many cars on the road, but because people are inefficient drivers.

I was trying to cross traffic at a busy intersection the other day when I was confronted with this problem. Because the parking lot I was in was right next to a light, I didn’t have a large window to cross traffic. The lane I was going into had a red light, so I waited for one more car to pass in front of me before I pulled into the lane. I was halfway across the yellow line when the Jack Ass in front of me stopped at the red light – with 20 feet between her car and the car in front of her. I pulled up as far as I could behind her, but I was still sticking halfway out into oncoming traffic.

I thought the lady would (a) notice I was two inches from her bumper and move up, or at least (b) notice the car behind her had no place to go and needed her to move up. Instead, she just sat there oblivious. As oncoming traffic got closer I had to honk at her to get her attention. She just looked at me like I was out of my mind. Finally, I had to use hand signals to literally tell her to move up, so I wouldn’t get hit by a car. She finally did, but acted inconvenienced the whole time.

Well excuse me, lady. My bad for thinking you know how to drive. I’m so sorry you had to actually utilize that extra 20 feet in front of you, so I wouldn’t block traffic. I didn’t realize your personal bubble extended beyond your car. And you don’t’ even drive a nice car. It’s not like you need to protect that piece of crap from a fender bender. I’m not one to get road rage, but this was ridiculous.

I’m Not a Crook!

My wife found out yesterday that my 19-month-old daughter is a crook. Yes, it’s true. I’ve raised a felon.

My wife was on one of her many trips to Target with the kiddo to pick up a number of things yesterday when the incident took place. With Sophia locked down in the stroller, my wife perused the aisles. She checked out and made her way to car just as Sophia started to get fussy. By the time Malinda buckled Sophia into her car seat, she was in full cranky mode. Malinda grabbed the blanket from the stroller and handed it to Sophia only to realize that Sophia was already holding her blanket. Yup, my daughter lifted a brand new blanket from Target right under my wife’s nose.

Here’s the kicker. Because Malinda was just as tired and cranky as the kid, she kept the blanket! That makes my wife an accessory to corporate theft. And I thought I knew her after all of these years. At least I’m not a crook.

Ripped Off!

Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man alive! I was that close. Man, maybe next year.

Pube Free Please

Why do most urinals in the men’s room have at least one stray pubic hair resting precariously by the flusher? Furthermore, how does the damn thing get there? You would have to be taking care of your business pretty aggressively to break free enough pubes so that one makes its way to the top of the flusher. And since your hand is already flushing, you might as well brush the thing away instead of leaving it there for the world to see. So to all of you male urinary participants, let’s work on making our public restrooms precariously-resting pube free.

Twilight?

My wife just bought this book and read it in about four days - the whole time raving about how amazing it was. I’m half tempted to NOT read it at all only because she freaked out so much. Heroin addicts scoring a free lifetime supply of smack would have a more subdued reaction than my wife had. Seriously, can it really be that good, or is it simply a chick novel?

Does your friend have a sister?

The Mayor of an Australian city publically asked more women to move to his town because the male to female ratio was 5 to 1. The oddity is that he asked for slightly homely women to make the move stating that it would be a good opportunity for them.

First of all, if you’re ugly, do you really look in the mirror and say “yup, he’s talking about me. I can’t do any better because I’m hideous.” I mean really. Can you imagine moving to a town solely with the idea of getting a date? There’s got to be a better way. Secondly, what if you move to that town and all of the dudes are chumps? That’s a whole lot of work for nothing. And finally, what happens if you are ugly and you move to a town where the odds are hugely in your favor, but you still get turned down. That would hurt anybody’s feelers.

I’d say if you’re going to go out on limb and call for ladies to come your way, you might as well aim high. Ask for hotties. What do you have to lose?

Fantasy Football...

Sucks! I rack up the points every week and still lose because the only other player to score more than me just so happens to be my opponent for the week. I'm exhausted from complaining about it. But just when I ready to move on, Sunday rolls around and the same thing happens. I don't know why I torture myself with all of this failure.

Las Vegas

So the wife and I are in Vegas. That was the surprise vacation she had been planning for the last couple of weeks. I have to admit that it’s been fun, but I wasn’t very surprised. I figured it out a little while ago. You can call me genius, but I prefer the mentalist. What’s even more impressive is that I also figured out that we were going to see a Jason Mraz concert as well.

I wasn’t trying to ruin any surprises. In fact, I didn’t even do any snooping. I just put together a couple of subtle clues and BAM, there is the answer. The funniest part about it is that I actually surprised my wife with a new wedding ring once we got here. And she wasn’t expecting anything. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. I would be happier about the whole wedding ring thing, but I had to buy her a new one because she lost the first one, which kind of sucks.

Oh well. Regardless, my eight and half month pregnant wife and I are going to hit the town. We may not be the most scandalous couple in town, but we’re still having a good time.

A Mystery

My wife is taking me on a mystery vacation this weekend. She refuses to give me any details because she wants it to be a surprise. I hate surprises, but I love vacations. I guess that means I don’t really know how to feel about the whole thing. I was able to trick her into revealing that the trip involves an estimated 2.5 hour flight. That limits our weekend getaway to the west coast. I’ll crack her before the time comes.

The Longest Day

Work has been hectic lately. Deadlines, presentations, and more deadlines begin and end every day. But It’s a good hectic. This past Monday, my crew and I traveled to Oakland to film a short sales meeting video. We crammed it all into one day of torture. The morning started at 4 in the a.m. and ended at midnight thirty. It was grueling and exhausting but most of all, it was fun.

I was a writer, a production assistant, and a bartender all in the name of work. Sure, I’m having a hard time functioning today because my eyes are as heavy as bricks, but if this is what a long, hard day at work feels like, I can’t complain. Well I could complain, but it wouldn’t be fair to all of those people who have to work 12 hour shifts slinging lumber or something.

Wait a Minute!

I woke up this morning after a very anticlimactic election night and looked anxiously out my window. I peered left and then right, up and then down. But I didn't see anything. I was desperately searching for change, but everything looked the same.

After thousands of people cheered and cried in the streets, you're telling my I still have to wait for change. After all of the speeches and commercials, change isn't immediate. This sucks. I want my change.

It's Crazy!

My Kiddo Is Kute.

because I said so.

Kids are the only thing I can think of that can have you on the verge of insanity one minute and gushing with love and pride the next. That's the beauty of life I guess.

Behold! My latest Ad.

BaileyWorks is going to run the first ad in one of their campaigns soon. It's a great concept and was fun to work on. Furthermore, I had to do a capacity test for their Super Pro messenger bag to make sure my calculations were correct for some information I'm including in their new website, and I'm proud to say my calculations were almost dead on.

I was able to fit 66 cans of beer in their medium sized Super Pro bag. I calculated that I should be able to fit 68, however, I didn't pack the bag as carefully as I should have. This means that 68 cans is by no means a stretch.

I filmed it for proof and will be uploading that shortly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of beer that needs to be drank (not sure if that is the correct tense for drink); 66 cans to be exact.

Yeah, pretty much.

I'm pretty excited for this year's election. Since I live in Portland, Ore., most people are all jazzed up because they hate Bush and love Obama. I get it, but that's not why I'm really excited. You see, I think both McCain and Obama can bring about some good things. They both have strengths and they both have weaknesses. I'm mostly excited, however, because everybody else is. People have been moping around for so long, it brought down the vibe of the city. Now, there's an honest positive buzz about the the future. And even though I don't think the outcome of the election is as life or death as a lot of people are claiming, I'm kind of hoping that Obama wins. If nothing else, it will shut up all of those really outspoken left wing political junkies. And since I live in a predominantly liberal town, I get to hear a great deal of liberal propaganda.

I'm not saying that the right wing fanatics aren't just as bad. I'm just not surrounded my them. I'm glad people have passion when it comes to politics. But being passionately engaged and verbally crude towards another person simply because of their political beliefs is unfounded. I'm an advocate for crude humor, but crude hatred has no place in my life.

So let's all be excited together. Right wing, left wing, chicken wings; it doesn't really matter. Regardless of what happens, things will change. And the more engaged the general public becomes, the more things will continue to change.

Oh yeah, I'm also happy to have all of those local political ads finally pulled from TV. Those spots are annoying.

Really, Greg Oden!

So I'm trying to be a Blazers fan now that I'm living in Portland, and I hope their first game isn't a sign of things to come. The much anticipated debut of Greg Oden ended after he tweaked his foot 3-minutes into the game. After missing his entire rookie year, he couldn't even make 1-quarter without getting hurt.

If you can't make it through 1-quarter, maybe you should try another profession. If you've have three injuries before you complete 5-minutes of regular season play, perhaps you're not worth the hype. I'm just saying maybe the savior of Blazers basketball shouldn't be wrapped up into a 7-foot scarecrow that has trouble staying on his feet.

I'm not jumping off the P-Town bandwagon, but I think I'll have a little more leg room as everyone else makes their exit.

Tug-O-War

The Microsoft/Apple advertising tug-o-war continues. Oddly enough, Microsoft is only slightly tugging, and Apple is warring.

In recent ad campaigns, Microsoft has tried to connect to its consumers on a more emotional level. Their first attempt included several ads featuring Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. After the ads fell short, they were replaced with a series of spots that try to show consumers that PC users encompass all professions – most of which aren’t boring. You know the ads “I’m a PC, and I’ve been made into a stereotype.”

It’s nice to see Microsoft trying to build their brand beyond the corporate juggernaut that they are. For so long, they have been thought of as a greedy, numbers and figures company. And after the recent success of Apple’s “I’m a Mac” campaign, they are finally starting to realize that there is something to this whole branding thing. Your product doesn’t simply live on 6-square-feet of shelf space in Wal-Mart.

What I find interesting is Apple’s rebuttal campaign. Perhaps it’s because we’re in the middle of the political season, but Apple is using their recent ads to attack Microsoft’s tactics rather than promote themselves. Even if what they are saying is true, it still comes across as being on the defensive, which I find interesting.

I’m not advocating PCs over Macs, but I am intrigued with the ideology behind the recent change in tone of the Apple ads. Most of their previous spots included some sort of comparison where the Mac always came across as being hipper and more user friendly. Their last two spots, however, leave the direct comparisons on the cutting room floor. Instead, Apple is simply pointing out the flaws in Microsoft’s thinking. So let the politickin’ begin.

Ah ha!

Gas has dropped to a nostalgic $2.85 a gallon at my local gas station. This, my friends, is a beautiful thing. Now, all of the people who pretended that they wanted to go green in order to help the environment can quietly go back to “not caring.” A sigh of relief, I’m sure.

It makes me think back to June of this last year when all of the analysts were predicting the inevitable increase of gas prices to an amazing $5.00+ a gallon. This prompted hordes of individuals to sell their gas guzzling vehicles for compact cars, thus tanking the market for trucks – I kept my truck, however. I feel even worse for all of those people who jumped onto the $2.99 a gallon gas guarantee offered by Dodge/Chrysler. In most cases, these consumers had to opt out of a several thousand dollar rebate offer in order to lock in the low gas rate.

I can’t help but blame the media for generating the nation-wide panic. There’s still no doubt that we need to keep developing more fuel efficient vehicles and looking for alternative sources, but there’s also no need for scare tactic journalism, which only causes knee jerk reactions and volatile market swings.

Yes, the cost of a barrel of oil increased to record highs, but most of us would have dealt with it differently if we didn’t have to hear about it every night on the news. “Gas prices rise again. Beware, the end of the world is near.”

Yet, when things start going the other direction, we hear nothing. $2.85 a gallon! I can’t remember the last time I paid that. But we don’t hear anything about it because all the news outlets want to report on is the volatile stock market.

“The market went down again today. Beware, the end of the world is near.”

Quote of the day from Police Chief Martin Brody in Jaws:

"Smile you Son-of-a-Bitch!"

Harper is getting bigger.

The Bad Guy

We all love a good hero’s story. But do we really like seeing the underdog win, or do we simply like seeing the bad guy lose? We all have come across that one person who we just can’t stand. Their despicableness keeps us up at night. How do they get away with acting like that? They are the people who you wish ill fortune upon. And if you’re thinking “I never wish ill fortune upon anyone” right now, you’re living a lie.

When’s the last time you met someone and immediately thought “wow, I hope that person gets whatever they want out of life?” Now, when’s the last time you met someone and immediately thought “wow, I hope they get hit by a bus the next time they cross the street? Not killed, but hurt.” Admit it, more times than you’d care to acknowledge. The fact is we like to see bad people lose more than we like to see good people win.

That’s why this year’s World Series is going to be slightly boring. There’s no one to root against. Both teams have good stories. Both teams have nice guys on their rosters. Both teams are worthy of taking home the title. There’s no one to root against, which means if you’re not a huge fan of either side, there’s no one to really root for. And let’s face it, both of those teams don’t have the biggest fan base.

Finally Giving Some Love to the Backyard

It was a jungle when we moved in.

But now it's starting to resemble a yard.

We used the bricks that were left here to make a patio. The grass is starting to come in. Next up, the deck.

It never fails.

I actually went out last night and had some drinks, which means I didn't get home until 1 in the a.m. My daughter has slept in until 7:30 or 8:00 this entire week, but this morning she was jumping on my bad at 6:25 a.m. Seriously! It never fails.

A Quote By Lucas:

The only difference between iconic and ironic is one letter.

F.Y.I. and A.K.A.

I hate cheering for the Cowboys! But Tony Romo is on my fantasy football team, so I have no choice. I’ve basically sold my soul to the devil. Oddly enough, I sold my soul to the devil when I started liking the Yankees, but that didn’t really bother me. I suppose this time I’m just not getting a fair price.

Ughhh!

I feel like I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed this entire week. Lack of sleep, poor diet, and no exercise have exhausted me. It’s never good when you have to drink coffee in the morning and an energy drink in the afternoon and still can’t keep your eyes open. Maybe if I push my bed against the wall, I’ll be forced to wake up on the right side of it. Or maybe I should just heavily sedate myself before I go to sleep.

It's not you. It's me. Fine, it's you.

The stock market takes its biggest plunge in several years over the course of a week…The government bails out the banks… The stock market continues to fall… Every news cast across America starts telling us the best way to get out, and just when everybody starts jumping ship, the market has its biggest climb (11% or 900+ points) since 1933.

This is like a bad relationship I had in college once. Now I’m just waiting for the market to show up at my door at 2 a.m., crying and apologizing for its emotional state. At which point, I will let it in for the night. Only to realize a week later that nothing has really changed. Damn you stock market, for bringing up the emotional scars from my past.

Is it already Tuesday? I'm mentally three days behind the rest of the world.

A thought I had today...

Easter was basically April Fool’s day for Jesus.

Because I can’t comment on Don Joseph Kingsley’s Blog:

Donnie actually thought “The Happening” wasn’t that bad. He said, “A lot better than I expected considering all the people who told me it was terrible. It was not terrible.”

This is a case of having such low expectations for a crappy movie that the viewer actually feels a slight sense of euphoria when the film doesn’t burn out his or her retinas. This is a common occurrence in life. If you set yourself up for disappointment, it’s easier to be satisfied with the outcome. That being said, Donnie should know better than to advocate such a feeling before understanding the ramifications of his misconceptions. Like a drunken one-night-stand with a homeless hooker, it always seems like a better idea that it really is.

I went into the movie without any preconceived notions and came out utterly disappointed. I witnessed several good actors coming off as complete amateurs, which usually falls on the director and script. The tension was limp and the story line has been done before. Although it’s not a remake, it was by no means “original storytelling.” I’m giving Donnie a cyber back hand right now. Did you feel that Donnie?

I guess I can look at my review as an act of Good Samaritanism. By setting the reading public’s expectations so low, they may actually not want to kill themselves after watching this pile. That’s my good deed for the day.

E-mail Fodder

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

And the winner is…

No one! So even though I don’t really like the modern debate format, last night’s duel wasn’t that bad. The candidates were able to get up and walk around, which felt more engaging, and the banter was a little more on point.

In the end, what did we learn? McCain looks awfully uncomfortable wielding a microphone with his nonfunctioning bionic shoulders. I totally respect the guy. He’s more of a man that I’ll ever be, but walking around with a microphone is not his strong suit; at least not visually. Both candidates still love to interpret the same facts in different ways, which is brilliant for all of us confused Americans who don’t have a clue about what’s actually going on. But at least they broke the issues down, so we can be more confused in greater detail.

After a full hour and a half of back and forth wordplay, I think the night ended in a tie. That’s like playing an entire game and still having to go to overtime…Exhausting. The worst case scenario would be a hard fought overtime. McCain might take the term “sudden death” too literally. And then who would run in his place, Palin? Instead of tax returns, we would be refunded in Moose Drool Ale. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s not a bad idea.

An Overdue Feud

I apologize to all three of my faithful readers for my shear lack of posts over the last couple of weeks. Fortunately for me, I’ve been bogged down at work, which takes up most of the creative brain power I have allotted for each day. By the time I get home, I am mush. I have also been immensely satisfied with my lot in life as of late. This leaves little room for me to garner hatred towards those who make me feel like I am completely underperforming; a deadly combination for someone whose humor is based on depression and a low self esteem.

The good news is that I am starting to feel a rhythm in my new work environment and should be functioning at a more efficient level shortly. And because I can never allow myself to be too happy for too long, I’m sure I will find some reason to jump into a downward spiral of self loathing. At that point, I will start to berate all that I see once again. I will tear down those that leave themselves vulnerable and laugh at the misery of the world. If I run out of sugar for my coffee, I will hate on anyone who grows sugar cane – you know who you are. If I’m late to work, I throw out racially insensitive slurs about all of those who can’t drive. If I lose more sleep because my neighbors won’t stop partying in their driveway, I will smash their windshield with my pick axe and tell the world about. I will be an equal opportunity hater of idiots.

Until then, I hope you all have a wonderfully magnificent day. Turn that frown upside down and smile for crying out loud.

Debates and Debacles

Here’s the issue I have with the debating system as it relates to the modern era. All it seems to prove is that a person can speak in front of a camera…period. I’ve watched the last two debates, and I don’t think I’ve heard a single plan or actual statistic. One side says this will work, and the other side refutes by saying it won’t. One side says we need to ramp up education, the other side says we need to focus on Afghanistan. That’s great. What the hell does it mean?

Unfortunately, all a person can really get from a debate it the tone and confidence behind a candidate’s voice. Last night I heard so many apposing “statistics” it made it impossible to know who’s telling the truth. I suppose back before the Internet, televised debates were fairly important because the candidate’s personalities weren’t as accessible. But we know so much about the candidates these days that the actual debates don’t provide us any new information.

I don’t want to hear two hours of propaganda fluff. If you say you’re going to bolster education, tell me how. Are you going to provide private education waivers, reallocate funds so teachers get paid more, or restructure standardized testing? This is the information that will actually affect me. I want to hear numbers, strategies, and dates; not slogans, buzz words, and nicknames.

The worst part is that the next day the media actually tries to crown a winner. What is this, the Academy Awards? And the award for the best candidate able to skirt the issue goes to…

A Quote by Me:

Merely standing will only tire you out. Standing for something will make you stronger.