I’m Pessimistically Optimistic

I fear I’m turning into an optimist. I used to be one, but somewhere along the way all of that hope became despair. The peaceful easy feelings eventually became engulfed by the witchy woman. I still remember the day it was brought to my attention. One of my friends commented on my apparent disenchantment towards life. I was surprised at first, then defensive, but soon realized he was right, which in turn, made me sad. Yes, it’s a viscous cycle.

Recently, however, I’ve been put into several situations where I would normally jump onto the sorrow-time’s bandwagon, but instead I was full of hope. Hope! It was a weird feeling to have. I tried to reject it at first, but it grew stronger. I tried to ignore it, but the positive feelings kept creeping back. I even forced myself to be negative for days at a time, yet somehow when the Monday gloom set in, I was not affected. And wouldn’t you know it, by the end of the day, the sun was shining. It may be fleeting, but I will take it when I can get. Who knows, maybe it is here to stay.

Sophia Update.

At almost one-year-old, this was her first Easter egg hunt. She didn't really get it, but she had fun anyways.

She loved the zoo...I think. Apparently the Portland zoo only has kitties and dogs on display.

She's been climbing up here to watch TV for the last month and a half. She's got some freakish strength for a little one.

And she still looks like a boy because she doesn't have much hair. Then again, I could pass for a girl when I wear a wig, so I guess that makes us even.

Yes, That Joke Was About You.

Daniel Tosh is a funny man. Okay, he’s not a normal man. He’s a comedian, which means he’s able to look at life through the third eye of humor. This is the eye that allows a person to look at an inappropriate situation and find the humor in it, even when that increases their chances of going to hell; because comedy is a sacrifice. Humor is putting the situation before your own personal image and saying what everyone else is thinking; except for the stupid people. You’re not being the vessel for their thoughts. In fact, chances are they won’t even get most of your jokes, but they’ll laugh because they don’t want to look stupid in front of you, their smart friend.

Basically, what I’m saying is that Daniel Tosh is a funny dude, and you should check out his comedy act. Most comedians are rant about their pasts, which is usually only mildly funny. but because they freak out the entire time your brain finally gives up and you smirk a little bit, which reinforces their confidence, and they keep on doing the same worn out act, which causes me to write long sentences recanting the whole lame thing. I’m sorry Dane Cook, yes, this refers to you. You’re usually not that funny, so shut the hell up, and can you please just take a breath. No, breathing heavy into the microphone doesn’t make you funnier. Thank you.

Tosh is able to look at man’s inhumanity towards man and shove it in your ear hole. And by ear hole, I mean jack hole, and by jack hole, I mean butt. That’s with two ts; I’m not talking about the conjunction here. He's able to say something funny, tell you why it's funny, then tell you why the stupid people didn't laugh all without thinking about it. Anyway, if you don’t like him, I’m sorry. If he offends you, I apologize. If he’s too abrasive, lighten up. And if this whole blog doesn't make a lot of sense, it's because it's late and I'm tired.

Spring Flowers My **S

Last time I checked it is officially spring. I’m also pretty sure that March is supposed to go out like a lamb. That being said, it appears that Mr. Gore and his cohorts might need to re-crunch some numbers. Not only have the oceans not recorded higher temperatures over the last 6 years, but it also has been snowing all day long. Snowing! It’s almost April, it shouldn’t be snowing. And furthermore, I live in Portland, Oregon. We don’t even get snow in January. Can someone please tell me why I’m being knocked over by 10-foot snowflakes in the middle of spring? Anyone…no…Mr. Gore, you got anything for me? Fine then, I guess I’ll just get my sled out of the garage and start enjoying my spring.

I Bring Down Downers

I have finally discovered my reason to live and it goes by the name of http://www.someecards.com/. I’m usually not a fan of e-cards and their impersonal attempt at being personable. They say “I like you, but not enough to actually send you a card,” or “Our friendship is only worth $1.99; to bad Hallmark wants to charge me $2.99. Those capitalist bastards.”

But salvation has come in the form of e-cards that not only mock the sender and receiver, but also slap their reality across the face with sarcasm in the process; and I like that. I know I’m slightly disillusioned and don’t have the social connectivity to actually keep in touch with people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about my lack of interest. Now I have a site I can go through and read all of the things I’ve been thinking. Who knows, I might even send a couple to some people. Now I just have to find it in me to care enough to remember everyone’s email addresses.

Pardon My Google

I Googled myself today to see what the Internet really thought about me. To my surprise I actually held three of the top four positions on the results page. I also discovered that someone with my name excels at go kart racing. More intriguing was the information under my first web result. It read Lucas Burt: Lucas Burt said... Neon yellow pee is almost as cool as green poop. ... 2:49 PM · Lucas Burt said... I do love chicken and white sauce. ...

It’s interesting to think that if someone is trying to see where I’m at in my life, the first thing they’ll find out is that I think neon yellow pee is almost as cool as green poop. Nice. I guess I need to be more careful about what I say online, unless I want to be known as the neon yellow pee guy.

Father Time.

I ran into someone I haven’t seen in 9 years outside my office today…Weird. We both look a little older but basically the same. We really didn’t have a lot to say to each other. Perhaps it was out of shock, or maybe both of our lives are just that boring. Who knows? The worst part came when we realized it has been 9 years since we’ve seen each other. That means we’re on our way to being old. Seriously, mull that over a little. When the last time you saw someone was in high school and that was 9 years ago, the next step in the space time continuum is when your grandkids can’t tell which picture is yours when they’re looking at your high school year book.

I know there are older people in the world, but the last ten years went by pretty quick, which leads me to believe the next ten will go by even faster. I’ve always said that your sense time is relative to how long you’ve been alive. When you’re five-years-old, the next year of your life is 1/6 of your entire existence, which is a large chunk. When you’re 27-years-old, the next year accounts for only 1/28 of your entire life, thus, making it feel shorter. This means that from here on out it’s only going to feel shorter and shorter as I grow older and older. I’ll be wearing Depends in no time.

The Fate of Man!

Apparently we can’t enjoy anything anymore. A recent study shows that artificial sweeteners in diet sodas actually interfere with your body’s ability to know how many calories it has ingested throughout the day. The lab animals that were tested consumed more calories and gained more weight when eating the fake sugar. Yikes!

Now we’re going to have to find an alternative for the alternative. What’s next? Are they going to find out that O’Douls actually can get you drunk, and that there’s a good chance you may like the Incredible Hulk even when he’s angry? My world is turned upside down once again. I guess we’ll all just have to stick to fruit juices and water. On second thought, we better test the natural sugars in fruit to make sure their juices don’t cause cancer. While we’re at it, I want to see the numbers on water as well. I’m pretty sure it’s the culprit for my recent rash of adult acne.

In fact, it might be safer to avoid food and drinks all together. That way we know that we’re not ingesting anything bad for us, and no one will ever be fat again. It will also help with the earth’s overpopulation; reducing the average human life span to 4-10 days. Brilliant!

MARCHing to Failure

March Madness truly drives me mad. I know that ultimately it’s my fault, but that doesn’t make losing any more enjoyable. In fact, I think I would prefer being able to blame someone else for my bracket failure. As predicted, I toiled over my picks so much and switched them around so often that by the time the games started I completely got away from my original strategy. Granted, there were a lot of upsets this year that would have been hard to see coming, but I had some of them nailed before I started thinking about it too much. Damn my overactive brain power.

All hope is not lost, but it sure is dwindling. I still have three of my final four teams in it, and with any luck, I can win out. Sure, luck isn’t on my side, and it doesn’t seem like skill is either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a chance. Even if it’s a one in a million shot, there’s still a chance. Man, where did I get all of this misguided optimism. I like this feeling. Hope is delicious.

Tee Time

I was able to test out my new clubs before I left for North Dakota, and I have to say, I’m pretty satisfied. Unfortunately, I only played bogey golf, but the conditions were poor. Not to mention, I haven’t played for quite sometime, so I’m giving myself a little bit of leeway. If the trend continues, there might be cause for concern, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Besides liking the feel of my new irons, I also discovered that my best purchase could have been a seven dollar putter. The Ram putter was a bargain buy for sure, but really over-performed on the greens. The weighted head, despite being slightly oversized and modestly hideous to look at, really gave me a fluid stroke. The best part is that the thing was only seven bucks. Man, I love it when that happens.

I'm Back Baby!

I have returned. After taking a trip to the end of the map (North Dakota), the family and I arrived back home today. Luckily we didn’t run into any trouble exchanging our money back to the American dollar and getting use to using our native language. Despite the hardships we faced, the trip was a success. My new Godson was baptized, we laughed and drank with the family, and everyone made it home safely. I did get pulled over by the law early on during our journey, but that’s a story you’ll have to wait to hear about. It involved too much violence, high speed chases, and innocent bystander decapitations to get into right now. Until then…

Discovery Channel Presents…

It’s official in my book. Rays (sting or eagle, a ray is a ray) are more dangerous than sharks. Jaws move over, rays are now the most viscous creatures of the deep. In 2006 the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, was killed by a sting ray, and a month later another man was severely injured when he was stabbed in the heart by one of these large beasts.

Today, there was another sting ray related death off the coast of Florida. And this time it didn’t even revolve around “man” encroaching on beast’s turf. No, the freaking thing jumped out of the water and rammed a lady on a boat. It didn’t eat her face or stab her in the heart, but she died none the less, which is why I’m no longer scared of sharks, but rays make me pee my pants a little.

In all seriousness, I do feel bad about the lady that died in Florida. No one deserves death by ray.

Good News for Gandhi

In a recent Harvard study on reward versus punishment and cooperation, it turns out that nice guys don’t finish last. In fact, nice guys seemed to finish first. In the study, those who punished their opponents ended up making less money (money disbursement was the measure of success or failure) time and time again while those who cooperated and turned the other cheek usually won. Good news for Gandhi, bad news for Godse (the man who assassinated him). Wait a minute; Gandhi did get murdered, so I guess he really didn’t finished first. Okay, bad example.

The good news is that this leaves open the idea that maybe chicks don’t love a bad boy, and size really doesn’t matter; so much for me getting a tattoo and penis enlargement.

Green = Death

In our never ending battle to be greener, we may be doing more harm than good. Studies are now showing that those amazing little coiled light bulbs may be more dangerous for the environment than previously thought.

The compact Fluorescent bulbs have been touted as using up to 50% less energy as regular bulbs while lasting several times longer (10,000 hours as compared to 1,500 hours of a normal bulb). As it turns out, the waste industry is now speaking up about the difficulties their having disposing of the miracle bulbs. The poisonous innards of one bulb contain enough mercury to contaminate 6,000 gallons of water, which can cause kidney and brain damage. Awesome!

It’s no surprise environmental agencies are torn by this information. The efficient bulbs have, in California alone, prevented 1.5 billion pounds of carbon dioxide from being release into the air since their inception, but that leaves a lot of mercury floating around as well. Oh what an entangled web we weave when at first we do try to be greener and end up killing everyone from mercury poisoning. Yeah, I know it doesn’t rhyme, but just ask Will Smith how this is going to turn out. I’ll give you a hint; zombies, cannibalism, and doing pull-ups alone with your shirt off; scary stuff!

Hooray For Me.

Even though I’m broke, I came across a deal that I couldn’t pass up this last weekend. I usually don’t let bargains get the better of me, but since my tax returns are on the way, I caved. I’m now the proud owner of brand new Taylor Made irons. I got them below cost for $175. I pretty excited about the whole thing. Now I just have to sock some money away so I can actually use them.

I’ve been due for a new set of irons for awhile now; I bought my old set in 1997. They served their purpose, but it’s time to move on. Like an old pair of shoes or a girlfriend, no matter how shiny something was when it was new, sometimes you just have to replace them. Just kidding, I would never replace a good pair of old shoes.

Now that I’m super official with my Taylor Mades, I’m going to either have to play better or start lying about my score. No body likes it when crappy players have really expensive equipment. Anyways, hooray for me.

The Happiest Place On Earth.

It’s time for a vacation. That’s right, a bonafide pack your bags and get on a plane excursion. We did our research and made our decision; North Dakota here we come. I’m excited to finally experience all that great state has to offer; the luscious rolling hills, bright blue skies, unseasonably warm temperatures, the most fashion forward shops in the Midwest, and beaches galore. Wait a minute, I think there’s a distinct possibility I made all that up.

Actually we’re going to ND (that’s what I call it) because Malinda and I were asked to be the Godparents of my brother’s newest addition, Trystan, and we were honored by the invitation. Even though we won’t be prancing along miles of sunny beaches, we still plan on having a great time and really look forward to seeing the family.

For our next family vacation we plan on seeing the sites of Nebraska. I hear the corn fields are gorgeous in early fall.

Bee Movie Gets an A.

Barry Benson is just another college graduate trying to find his way in life. He doesn’t know what job is right for him, whether the world has more to offer, and if he should settle for a normal existence in the hive. That’s right; he’s a bee that lives in a hive. Of course that didn’t stop DreamWorks from parodying “The Graduate.” Regardless, Barry isn’t a normal bee. Instead of following the drove of college bee grads into the honey production lines, he ventures off into the world, only to discover humans are stealing bee honey and selling it for a profit. If you guessed that wacky would ensue, you would be right. But it’s not the kind of wackiness I expected. There are court room scenes, flower heists, and “does anyone know how to fly this plane” moments, but for some reason it all works.

I have to admit, the plot is a bit of a dud, but the dialogue makes up for it. Jerry Seinfeld grew on me as the movie progressed, Renee Zellweger was uncommonly funny (plus I didn’t have to look at her squinty face because she was a cartoon, which makes her a lot less annoying), and the animation was great. Despite the lame climax, I really enjoyed the ride. There was enough funny adult moments (but not too adult) to make up for the cheesiness of it the whole thing. All in all, it’s worth checking out whether you have kids or not.

Finally, I have to say it was a sweet ride, I was stung with laughter, I’ll be buzzing about this one for days, it was honeylarious, it gave me a swarm fuzzy feeling, and it made me want to make passionate love to a mannequin. I guess that last one isn’t really relevant. Oh well.

Hail to the King.

Tiger Woods sunk a 25-foot putt to win the Arnold Palmer Invitational this weekend, and I couldn’t be happier. I don’t know what it is about Tiger that makes me root for him, but I do. I usually don’t like dynasties because the victorious underdog is the most exciting story. That’s what people like to see. That’s what Hollywood movies are about. That’s when legends are made. But with Tiger, it’s different.

He’s won so much, he’s become the underdog. Tiger was seven shots behind going into the weekend. He hadn’t lost in six months. The odds were against him, but yet again, he pulled out his putter on the 18th green and dashed the hopes of the underdog. The writers were ready to tell Bart Bryant’s story. They were eager to verbally recount his hardships and rise to the top. This was Bryant’s day. The day David beat Goliath, or was it? David can’t beat Goliath, because the odds have shifted against Goliath, thus, Goliath is David.

Tiger simply refuses to go down, and I don’t want him to. If he plays, I watch. If he wins, I cheer. If he loses, I say “you’ll get ‘em next time.” He’s the unlikely hero that brought golf into the forefront of the modern era, and I thank him for that. In return, I hope he wins every time he steps onto the fairway. I want him to sink a 30-footer. I want him to be 15-strokes ahead. I want him to break all of the records. I want the underdog to achieve the impossible, by being not only the best, but better than the best even when it’s an impossibility.

March Madness Baby!

Let March Madness begin. It’s that time of year, when I fill out my bracket, watch ESPN, change my picks, read some articles, change my picks again, and then watch my bracket get busted all the way into last place. I don’t know what it is about the excitement of college basketball that causes me to fail miserably, but no matter how many brackets I fill out, I always tend to be at the bottom of the pack.

So this year I’m going into the Madness of March expecting failure and disappointment. Unfortunately, by thinking I’m going to lose, deep down I’m hoping that will help me win, which is raising my hopes. I’ve gone full circle, and now I’m looking forward to winning… It’s going to suck getting disappointed again.

Think Before You Speak.

The definition of the word “sticky” is as follows:
1. Having the property of adhering, as glue; adhesive.
2. Unpleasant; unfortunate; nasty.

The definition of the word “Hummus” is as follows:
1. A PASTE or dip made of chickpeas mashed with oil, garlic, lemon juice, and tahini and usually eaten with pita.

The definition of the word “paste” is as follows:
1. A mixture used for causing paper or other material to adhere to something.

For all of the party’s involved in last night’s Scattergories game, I rest my case. If A = B, and B = C, then A = C. You don’t have to admit that you were wrong, but if the shoe fits, you were wrong. Game, set, match; you can take your “inside the box thinking” and stick it in your ear.

I’m sorry Eric that your win will be tainted forever. And like my favorite Inuit hero, Kiviuq (yes, this is a real Inuit legend), I will handle my kayak is waves higher than mountains, and live to tell about it.