The “Harvey” in All of Us

1950s “Harvey” starring Jimmy Stewart is the perfect movie to watch when life seems like it’s a little too much to handle. Innocent enough to put a smile on your face and engaging enough to keep it there, this movie struck a chord with me on a day where I lay on the couch exhausted, stressed, and empty.

"In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me," are the words Stewart’s character shares as he is being admitted into a psychiatric ward with a smile on his face. Although it seems like he is naive to the situation, there’s a truth in his eyes that speak otherwise.

It sounds simple enough. Sometimes it’s easy to say that life just isn’t that simple. It gets hard, it kicks dirt in your face, and it pushes you to the ground. This can be true. Trust me, I’ve done my fare share of washing the grit out of my teeth. But does that mean that life isn’t simple? No.

You always have a choice. Every decision you make, there was an opposite decision that was neglected and ignored. Every day offers you a fork in the road. The beauty of it all is that you can always turn around and go back the other way. The choice is yours. Your decisions don’t have to be easy, but they are always simple. I can smile, or I can frown. I can laugh, or I can pout. I can be difficult, or I can be pleasant.

I may not have wrestled with reality for all of my 27 years, but I think it is time I try harder to win out over it. It doesn’t take a 6-foot-3-inch white rabbit to make that happen. It just means I have to start making the right choice. I don’t always have to be oh so smart. Sometimes pleasant will do just fine.

Too Immature to Graduate?

I got the new Kanye West album (I guess it’s not really considered new anymore) from BMG this week. I didn’t have to pay for the CD because of my club points, which is great because I refuse to give that man any of my actual dollars. It’s too bad really. I like his music, especially the stuff he samples, but he is such an arrogant a-hole that I feel it’s my duty to not support him. One of my co-workers has tried to explain to me that at least his antics are entertaining, and since he is an entertainer, it should be considered okay.

I guess I’m just a little old fashion because I don’t find his antics entertaining. They’re obnoxious, juvenile, and petty, but not entertaining. I see my one-year-old daughter throw the same temper tantrums and she is one.

Regardless, the not-so-new album is pretty good. There are not as many great songs on it as there was on his last release, but there are more decent songs. Unfortunately, I just don’t care whether he stays or goes. I also vow to burn his next CD from someone else, so he doesn’t see a penny from my listening enjoyment; club points or not.

Good Stuff

I’ve changed the settings on my account so anyone can comment on my blogs. I would have done this sooner, but I didn’t realize I could. Yes, I’m admitting my ignorance. I guess a person really can’t be perfect 100% of the time. I’ll settle for a solid 99% though.

Finger Lickin’ Good

You should never bite the hand that feeds you. Of course, if that hand keeps pretending like it is going to feed but ultimately doesn’t, you might as well bite the whole thing off. Hey, you eventually have to eat something!

The Art of Burning Bridges

It’s an age-old adage that it’s not wise for one to burn a bridge he has just crossed over. What if you realize you’ve forgotten your favorite pair of Nikes on the other side? It is very hard to cross a dangling suspension bridge that’s engulfed in flames (I picture a suspension bridge because it seems scarier. Don’t look down). Furthermore, you may have remembered about your Nikes too late, and the rickety old bridge is already burned to the ground. Now what?

That being said, there are those times when you feel so completely crossed by someone, you have no choice but to light the match. So if you’ve reached your limit, there’s no point in just giving your bridge a little smoke damage. It will simply grow bitter, perhaps let you cross it again, but the bridge will eventually allow you to fall. Instead of risking a plunge, you might as well douse it with lighter fluid, soak it with gas, and ignite the damn thing with a blow torch. This way, at least the bridge knows it’s being burned. There’s no misconceptions like, “hey, did he just toss a match at me? Well I don’t see any other bridges around, so I think he just flicked that match at me.” Nope, as that bridge burns to the ground, it will stare you in the eyes as it rages and eventually smolders to nothing, knowing there wasn't a second lighter on the grassy knoll.

Of course, you can always be the bigger bridge and ignore the whole thing. But what’s the fun in that? At least, that is what a little birdie told me… as he lit a match and waved his Nikes good bye.

New York City is...

Life isn't about the destination but the journey. Our journey, however, started with a destination; New York City. Its streets are full of concrete, sweat, and noise. Its boroughs are full of nations, religions, and traditions. But its allure is more than the sum of its parts. New York City is an expectation. The Big Apple is where anyone can have a dream. You can escape there to get noticed. You can retreat there to blend in. It is lights, ambitions, and energy. It is our nations past and our country's future. New York City is a skyline of hope. For us, it was the time in our life when... life happened; good, great, bad, and miserable. It was two years we would never give back and a life we were ready to leave behind. Like so many before us, NYC was our city, and we thank it for our memories.

What's Better?

Coke over Pepsi
Chevy over Ford
CSI: NY over CSI: Miami
Racquetball over Tennis
John Wayne over Clint Eastwood
Sour over Sweet
Fast over Slow
Pizza over Wings
Beer and Wine settle for a tie
The Soup over Best Week Ever
Wii over Playstation 3
Movies over Books
Books over Magazines
Magazines over the Internet

And the beat goes on da da dun dee dun dun.

Starting off on the right foot

Six feet have washed ashore in British Columbia over the last 11 months. Authorities are baffled about the origin of the feet guessing that they could belong to missing fisherman, plane crash victims, or random people that have simply drowned. The last foot, however, appeared to have been intentionally severed from the leg. It was also first left foot to be discovered. Regardless, Canadian authorities don’t expect foul play. Of course, they also still believe in the Easter Bunny.

On Golden Pond

It actually takes place on a lake. F for false advertisement. However, I'm man enough to say that it made me tear up a little. I'm also man enough to say that if you ever repeat that, I will kick your a**. Enough said.

My Departure from Sarcasm

Love is a funny thing. There are a lot of people that feel love, but when you ask them to describe it, the words are hard to find. That’s because you don’t speak of love, you feel it. Words were never meant to trump feelings. Even poets can’t truly describe the exact essence of love. They try. They come close. And they fall short. Like most emotions, love is relative. What it means to me, it may not mean to you. A counter example (or perhaps the perfect example) of a feeling’s relativity is a person’s pain threshold. My brother cut half of his arm off with a chainsaw and walked down a mountain to call the ambulance. Did it hurt? I’m sure it did. But it didn’t hurt him as much as the next guy. Unfortunately for my brother, his love threshold is as high as his pain threshold. Three years into his relationship might have killed me, but he has hope or, at the very least, is blind to the pain.

But what does this say of love? Yes, it’s caring, forgiveness, and generosity; words, words, and more words. Love isn’t words. It is feelings and ideas. It is todays and tomorrows. It is bringing life into the world, and even more so, holding someone’s hand as they leave it. For some, it’s forever. For others, it’s fleeting. As much as I would like to think I know, it’s what I don’t know about love that makes it real. Love isn’t free. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t for everyone; although, everyone deserves it. Why? I don't know.

For me, love is my wife. Every ounce of her being is focused on making the world better, my life better, our life better. I was asked a long time ago about how I knew that I loved her. Again, only words were used to describe an indescribable feeling. My response? I know the sun rises every morning. I know I need every breath I take, and I know I love Malinda. When she goes to work in the morning, I know she will come home in the evening. When I see an older couple on TV, I know that is where we will be one day. I don’t know why, but I know. So to me, love is knowing that the answers are not meant to be known. They’re felt, poorly explained, but always there. But why? I don't know.

Just Do It

Tiger Woods gave a performance today worthy of any sport’s hall-of-fame. Despite it only being the third round of the U.S. Open, what Tiger accomplished at Torrey Pines is what movie scripts aspire to be. Down five shots with six holes left to play he was able to sink a 70-foot eagle putt, a chip-in for birdie, followed by a 30-foot eagle putt on the 18th green to end the day with a one-stroke lead. The sheer skill involved in the comeback was enough to talk about, but most noticeable was the fact that he grimaced in pain after almost every shot and limped to the 18th green. His body was showing obvious signs of wear from his recent knee surgery. But Tiger did what he does day in and day out; play golf and play well.

If he would have given this performance in the final round, it would be forever written in the history books as one of the greatest comebacks in golf’s history. Nevertheless, it’s on par with Laettner’s final second jump shot that propelled Duke into the 1992 NCAA finals. No one remembers the winner of the Championship game, but we still remember the amazing shot that ended Kentucky’s chances at moving on. Even if Tiger doesn’t win tomorrow, people will still talk about today. Those are the moments that make legends. When a single performance can outshine the result, you know you’ve seen something special. This is why people root for Tiger. This is why he is so important to the game of golf.

A Movie Can Remember When

I watched “The Shootist” starring John Wayne today. Wayne plays a crotchety old gunfighter who travels to Carson City to die of cancer. Because his reputation precedes him, he is forced to fend off pestering town folk and revenge seekers alike. I’ve seen it before but being father’s day weekend and all, I felt like watching some movies that reminded me of my family. My dad has probably seen every John Wayne film 10 times over, so by mere default I’ve seen most of them several times. I always enjoyed his films, but never really understood my dad’s passion for them. Regardless, it’s been awhile since I’ve watched the Duke draw his pistol.

My revelation occurred halfway through “The Shootist.” I always recognized the resemblance between the characters John Wayne played and my grandfather, but it wasn’t until today that I realized how powerful of a connection it was. His walk, the way he speaks, and his don’t take shit from nobody attitude echo the sediments of my grandfather to his last breath. I guess it makes sense; my grandpa was also a fan of the Duke.

As I sat there and watched, my mind was flooded with memories, good, bad, and indifferent. The fact of the matter is that the movie just made me feel good. It was like being home without going back home. My dad loves his movies because he loved his dad. We tend to relive our memories regardless of where they are harbored. My grandfather died several years ago, but I can see him not only through my dad, but through the movies they shared.

My grandpa was a crotchety old cowboy, stubborn until the day he died. He may not have been a gunfighter, but he sure as hell was a fighter. I thank my dad for giving me the keys to this past. He made sure we knew where he came from and why that's important. Powder River Let'r Buck! Happy father's day, dad.

The Quarter Life Crisis

The quarter life crisis happens when twenty-somethings realize life isn’t as rosy as they were led to believe. We grew up in an era where our parents told us to follow our dreams, athletes preached that if we worked hard every day, it would pay off, and movie stars touted that if it could happen to them, it could happen to us. So we believed. We studied hard, kept our noses clean, and cherished our dreams. We graduated high school, then college, and stepped wide-eyed and curious into the real world. But the real world looked the other way.

We stand on the threshold of reality armed with our hopes. But reality uses bullets. One by one, we get cut down and left behind. We beat around the bush of indifference trying to find our reasons. But our world is different from our parents. Our president is laughed at, our war is an occupation, and NASA’s budget continually gets cut. We don’t stare at the moon and imagine when. We ignore Mars when we’re already there.

We are the twenty-somethings that weren’t forgotten about but ignored. We are our parent’s sounding board; talked to and inflated so they could go to bed and say that they made a difference, that they inspired us to be better. We are no longer inspired. We are middle class and homeless. We are social security numbers, Nielson ratings, and car salesmen. We have more than our parents because VISA gave it to us. We have less than our parents because MasterCard took it back.

The quarter-life crisis is laughed at by those who created it. They coaxed us up the mountain and pushed us off. Now they wonder why we are licking our wounds at such a young age. But we are not angry, we’re disappointed.

Deadwood Revelations

Isn’t it odd that taking a bath nowadays is thought of as being effeminate when in the 1800s that’s how a lot of rough and tumble cowboys got clean? Taking a piping hot bath with a whiskey and cigar by your side was considered indulgent and looked forward to.

For the sake of boosting my anti-oxidants I’ve replaced whiskey with red wine. And because I’m not partial to smoking, I’ve replace cigars with a rubber ducky (okay, it’s my kids rubber ducky). Regardless, if it were the 1800s, I would be considered one lucky badass cowboy. Yup, that’s right; I’ll take my baths if I want to. And if you cross me, you just might have to answer to the hot end of steel barrel (and no, that is not a sexual reference).

A Dedicated Me

With my good friend Seth’s recent success on the marathon circuit, I’ve decided to do a little training myself; not for a 26-miler, but for the rest of my lifer. That’s right, I’m starting my training now, so when my second baby is born I will be the perfect dad.

I’ve already set my alarm to go off on two-hour intervals at night, so I can reacclimatize myself to interrupted sleep. When I take off my pants, I purposely pee in my own face in order to simulate random infant urination. I’m still a little slow at dodging a steady stream but that’s what training is all about.

I’m focusing my lingo so it mirrors that of a seasoned dad. I’m practicing phrases like “don’t hit your little brother,” and “get me another beer.” I’m also listening to the radio, a CD player, and the TV at the same time so that I can have pinpointed multi-child listening accuracy. Unfortunately, I still can’t bring myself to listen to my wife.

With a little over six months remaining, I’m going to have to keep my training rigorous, but it’s the only way. You perform like you practice, and gosh darnet, I want to perform like a champion. So here’s to me; a dedicated, mildly amusing, father of the year. Okay, I can’t back that up, but I can say that I’m the best father living at my house, currently. And that’s saying something.

A Pair with Some Hair

After a long departure from my manhood, I decided to get it back. No Sex and the City, no wine, no hair gel, today it was all man. When I woke up this morning I new a change had to be made. I’ve grown soft in my city ways. So when my wonderful wife made me pancakes for breakfast, I thanked her, pushed them aside and cooked eggs and sausage patties instead. Oh yes, this was a good start.

I proceeded to go to the gym for workout. After getting my sweat on, I headed back home and took a shower. No soap for me today. The lather from my shampoo will due just fine, thank you. After examining the length of my facial hair, I put my razor away; no need to be smooth to the touch today. Of course, if I decided to shave, I would have done so with a buck knife and no shaving cream.

I made my way to the garage where I built a couple of saw horses from scratch. If you don’t know what a saw horse is or how to build one, then you’re not a man. You might as well quit reading now and surf the net for a luffa. I followed the saw horses by building the last section of fence for my front yard. Oh yeah, that was also from scratch.

I was finally tapping into my long lost testosterone filled past. In order to seal the deal, I sat down in my large recliner with a bottle of beer and turned on the new Rambo movie. That’s right, this afternoon it will be me, Miller, and Rambo remembering what it is like to root for the good guy, blow up the bad guys, and check our feelings at the door. It feels good to be man today.

Stalk Much

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton held a private meeting in her Washington living room last night, which the press ate up. It’s kind of weird actually. They sat outside her house with cameras fixed on her windows for what seemed like hours. Hell, it could have been hours, just recording away. I remember a time when this was considered stalking. A person can get arrested for this stuff.

The worst part is that my wife had a slow night at work, and was desperate for something to do, so she watched this circus unfold (if you can actually consider what happened unfold worthy). Don’t complain my dear if you choose to feed the 24-hour media machine.

Lame Duck?

So I’ve been informed by my lovely wife that my blog has been boring of late. At first I dismissed her claims but quickly realized that (A) not everyone wants to hear about boring movies from the 30s, and (B) She’s quite nearly the only person that reads my blog, so I had better cater to her needs. It’s kind of pathetic really. I mean, I could just tell her funny stories when I get home, but I so desperately want to feel like I’m contributing to something, I add to the cyberspace clutter instead. Kudos to Me, for being a true narcissist.

Buster Keaton and “The General”

Keaton displays less physical comedy then Charlie Chaplin, but the movie was almost more effective because of the attention paid to the story structure. I definitely enjoyed the film both for its historical value and comedy. However, unless you’re a film buff, I can’t recommend it. Silent films are always a little hard to finish. Three more AFI selections to go!

“Overnight” Not a review but a tongue lashing.

I watched “Overnight” at the request of my good friend Eric, and I have to admit, this documentary made me ask “why.” Why are some people given an opportunity? Why are some people in the right place at the right time? And why do millions of deserving individuals bury their dreams everyday while others spit at the face that’s giving them a handout?

The movie chronicles the instant rise and slow, painful fall of wannabe film maker Troy Duffy. A foul mouthed bartender from Boston is given a deal of lifetime when Harvey Weinstein offers to buy his script, make him a director, and let his band record the soundtrack. In true douche bag fashion Duffy proceeds to burn every bridge in town while stepping on every one’s toes as he’s basically run out of Hollywood. I’ve never wished failure on anyone with the intensity that I wanted this man to crash and burn. It’s unfortunate that he not only drowned his dreams with his nonsensical jabbering, but he stole any potential success from those around him.

Troy Duffy tasted the bitter poison of Karma, and we were lucky enough to have had someone follow his every move. “Overnight” is a true cautionary tale of WHY you shouldn’t try to be bigger than your britches; but most of all, why you shouldn’t be an a**hole.

I don't consider my work "freelance" because I'm not free and my name's not Lance. I guess that means I would consider my work "costlucas."

The Marx Broth’s Duck Soup

With line after forced line of boring puns, this movie baffles me. I was somewhat entertained by “Night at the Opera” but mostly bored. “Duck Soup’s” complete lack of comedic timing and sloppy shtick just left me confused at its appearance on the AFI list. Physical comedy was done at a much higher caliber by Charlie Chaplin, but I really can’t find a single redeeming scene in “Duck Soup.” There’s no cultural relevance or cinematic significance.

I know this review is a little harsh, but that’s an hour and half of my life that I can’t get back. I would like back, even half of it would be nice. But it’s gone. And for that reason, I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anybody. Sorry AFI.

A True Inventor.

This video speaks for itself. Some of the things people are capable of when there’s a need for technology are truly amazing.

Often Overlooked.

My good friend Eric always makes a point of mentioning the climb of gas prices since the Bush administration took office. I don’t support or deny the things are government has done over the last couple of years, but I found this graph interesting. I’ve read about it in a handful of articles, but since no one wants to take the side of Bush, this info is often overlooked. Here’s a very simple graphical representation of when the gas prices started to increase. I’m not pointing the finger at anyone. I’m just saying that it’s not as easy as blaming a single person or incident.

Quit looking at my mangina!

I’m surrendering my manhood today. Since having a baby I don’t get to see that many movies in the theaters. This year we’ve been blessed with the quality of “Iron Man” and the nostalgia of “Indiana Jones 4,” but alas, I have to sit at home and watch their box office numbers climb. However, for my wife’s birthday we’re going to see the highly anticipated (not by me) “Sex and the City.” And of course, by her wishes we are going to see it on opening night.

So there it is. My first big summer movie going experience will revolve around purses, shoes, and arguments over who’s more like Carrie. If you run into my manhood on the street, could you mention that I’m still looking for it?

Clay, you sly dog!

I was going to write about this yesterday, but I was still trying to wrap my head around it. Mr. Clay Aiken is going to be a papa. Who’s your daddy? But for all of those skeptics out there that still think he’s perpetually stuck in the closet, the plot does thicken. Apparently, Clay impregnated his longtime friend and producer, 50-year-old Jaymes Foster, through artificial insemination! Dun, Dun, Dunnnnnn.

First of all it’s ironic that his baby’s mama is named James… I mean Jaymes. Second of all, she’s his very best friend, who he doesn’t have sex with, not even when she wants to get pregnant. Don’t worry Clay, we support you ambiguity. You do your things, with that pale skin and long blond hair of yours. Oh yeah, and that soft and supple tenor voice your supporting.

1927's The Jazz Singer

Like so many on AFIs top 100 list, this movie’s historical significance is the only reason it was selected. It’s the first film to use the vitaphone, which allowed Warner Bros. studio to record singing that was synchronized to the actor’s voice. “The Jazz Singer” is dubbed the first “talkie” but is essentially a silent film. I get its importance of utilizing the vitaphone, but if you’re going to sit through a silent movie, I recommend “Sunrise.” At least it has a storyline that translates some suspense and emotion. Oh well, one more marked off the list.

Half the Tree It Used to Be

An Omaha Nebraska man had to cut his tree in half in order to appease his neighbor. The neighbor was angry because the tree was killing a small section of grass on his property line, so after going to small claims court, the owner of the tree had to trim it. He decided against cutting the tree down entirely because it provided a backstop for his kid’s basketball hoop.

Take that angry neighbor. A small patch of dead grass under a bushy tree looks a lot better than a mangled evergreen bordering your lawn. I guess you should be careful what you wish for. I’m sure this is going to start a wonderful feud. The police dispatcher will have fun dealing with the weekly calls dealing with the “he said, she said.” Hooray for not getting along over minute details. Let’s break out the pink flamingos and broken down cars and put them in our lawns so everyone’s property value goes down. Yeeehaawww, this squabbling is fun.

Aaaarrrggghhhh!

Pirates have made a comeback not only on the big screen, but in the real world as well. Two cargo ships were hi-jacked in the Gulf of Aden on Wednesday. They weren’t hi-jacked by terrorists, but rather, by pirates. I’m sure these new-aged swashbucklers have replaced swords and cannons with machine guns and machetes, but that I bet they still where bandanas on their heads. Feel free to start using phrasing like “aaargghhh ye maties” and “walk the plank” at work. If people look at you funny, take their wallet and steal their wenches. That’ll show ‘em.

Next to make a comeback will be storming the castle. The bound-log battering ram will be replaced with a titanium rammer, but you can still ward off the assailants with scolding water as they break through the thresh hold. If you can’t find a castle, a really big lake house will suffice.

Check Out the Crazy Red Bull Helicopter!
They're not supposed to be able to do that.

A Good No-Call

In the end of the Spurs/Lakers game last night Brent Barry was supposedly fouled during his final shot. In the hopes to stir up controversy, the announcers immediately questioned the non-call, thus forcing their perceived controversy onto the situation. Sometimes it amazes me how badly announcers want to bring drama to a game that doesn’t need manufactured tension.

If you watched the play, the ball was passed to Barry with 2-seconds left on the clock. When he jumped to catch the ball, Derek Fischer of the Lakers jumped as well. Barry caught the ball and immediately put his head down and took one dribble into Fischer, who was still in the air. After the contact, Barry pulled up for a long desperation shot.

Two things are obvious, especially when you look at the replay. Barry initiated the contact, and he wasn’t’ even fouled while in the act of shooting. It was the best no-call of the night. Not only did Barry not deserve to shoot three free throws for a chance to win the game, he didn’t even deserve to shoot two for a chance to tie. But the announcers got their way. This morning everyone was talking about the phantom foul.

If I Had $1 Million.

Some guy found an old cup he used to play with as a kid in a shoebox under his bed. He knew the toy was old, so he took it to an antique dealer to have it appraised. It turns out the gold cup was from the Persian Empire and is expected to bring in almost $1 million at auction. Damn! Now I feel bad for throwing away all of my childhood toys. If you dig through my old things, you would only find broken dreams and despair. Maybe that’s worth $1 million.

Head Games Revisited: SNELL vs DOT

Four years ago I published an article through Motorcycle USA that compared DOT and SNELL testing standards on motorcycle helmets. Since then, my article has been quoted in many online debates about which test is better. After re-reading my original article, I want to point out a couple of things.

First, I simply said SNELL regulations require that a helmet be able to absorb a greater impact. I didn’t say this meant is they were undeniably safer. There’s a debate inferring that more rigid helmet may not absorb enough impact from a lighter crash, thus causing more damage. This is a possibility and should be looked into further.

Second, I mentioned that SNELL performed the tests on each helmet, and that DOT tests were done by the manufacturer. I’m surprised that this information is left out of most debates. I believe this is a more pertinent point in the argument. My focus was to show the checks and balances of having a third party do all of the testing, rather than relying on internal manufacturer ethics. It’s always easier to trust someone that doesn’t have a monetary interest in the outcome.

Finally, I want to state that this article was written four years ago. SNELL modifies their testing standards on a regular basis, and I’m not sure about DOT. The point is that referencing more recent articles on the subject would naturally create a stronger argument. Standards for testing and acceptable results could easily have changed since 2004.

Despite the lack of resolution in these heated debates, I’m glad to see that people are talking about the issue of motorcycle safety. Having a certified helmet is, by far, better than a non-certified one. I wrecked a bike going 60-mph and was thankful that my helmet passed not only DOT and SNELL regulations, but the real world test as well.

Okay, We Get It!

This is why I hate the local news. We’re amidst an obvious downward spiral of increasing gas prices (yeah, wrap your head around that). This is a truth we face every time we visit the pumps, and yes, it sucks. However, increasing gas prices is hardly newsworthy, but not according to every news station, everyday, on every broadcast.

I quit watching the news because every three minutes an anchor is filling me in on the “Pump Patrol.” What’s that you said? Gas prices are climbing again. I thought the $70 I just paid to Exxon was a figment of my imagination. It’s like when your puppy dies, and every single person you meet reminds you of how hard that must be.

I guess they finally figured out that reminding us about the imploding housing market was getting redundant. We know it’s hard, we know it sucks, find something worth telling us. What’s next? Is a reporter going to knock on my door, shoot me in the arm, and then say, “This just in, I shot you in the arm. Coming up at six, I’m going to talk with the guy I just shot and remind him that he may still be bleeding. And don’t miss our seven o’clock segment on how to avoid getting shot in the arm by reporters.”

Why don’t they just wait for prices to drop? When that happens, I want to hear about it. Until, show me that damn waterskiing squirrel again. At list, he was cute and fun.

Memorial Day

I hope everyone enjoyed this extended Memorial Day weekend. I also hope you took the time to remember our nation’s past, reflected on the freedoms you have, and thanked a soldier and their families for protecting these treasured gifts.

I SPY an End to My Unseen AFI:

Okay, Mr. Strahl. I’m going to make my final push this next week to finish up my AFI top 130 movies of all time. Those remaining on my list are: "Gone with the Wind," "The General," "African Queen," "Duck Soup," "The Jazz Singer," and "Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf."

I’ve rearranged my Blockbuster Queue, and it seems the only one I can’t get my hands on is "The African Queen." However, "Virginia Woolf" requires a very long wait. You asked for my updated list and here it is. Still not bad, I’d say; especially since I took the last six months off.

Of course, you said you were hot on my trail; tell me, which ones do you have left?

The Whole Ten Yards?

According a website describing the origins of idioms, there are several possible reasons why we say “the whole nine yards.” One Comes from World War II fighter pilots, whose planes typically wereoutfitted with enough machine-gun ammunition to extend 27 feet. If a pilotexpended all his ammunition on a mission, he would say, "I gave them thewhole nine yards".

Another says the term comes from the Scottish Great Kilt. The amount of wool for a full Great Kilt is a "whole nine yards".

While a third states concrete held by a concrete truck is measured in the unit 'yards'. The truck holds a total of nine yards of concrete. When all the concrete was needed they would say, give me the Whole nine yards.

I’m not refuting any of these explanations. I’m just amazed at how many things are measured out to nine yards when at full capacity. Ten just seems like a nice round number, but no, everyone feels the need to go with nine. Maybe they wanted ten, but it was too much work, so they always stopped at nine. Who knows? From now on when I go above and beyond, I’m going to say I went the whole ten yards. You won’t see me stopping one yard short.

Crime and Punishment

Finally justice has been served. The creator of ‘N SYNC and the Backstreet Boys has been sentenced to 25-years in prison. Lou Pearlman will say Bye, Bye, Bye (I know, it’s cheesy) to his freedom after stealing nearly $300 million from investors since the early 80s. He is yet, however, to be sentenced for exposing the world to extreme levels of “Boy Bands” dating back to the mid 90s; a crime far more severe in my mind. Synchronized dancing quintets will morn the loss of Pearlman as their dreams of singing in front of droves of screaming tweens will be put on hold. Fortunately, the “Boy Band” era isn’t due to make a comeback until Pearlman is eligible to be released on good behavior.

We all know how bad pedophiles and rapist get treated in the joint, and we can only assume that Pearlman will be dealt with more aggressively. His only hope is to work his magic (if there’s any left) and get the gangs on his side. Due out late next summer will be the hit single “I shivved him that way” by ‘N CLINK.

Inspired By Soft Rock of the 90s (Yahoo Radio)

I’m finally old enough to be nostalgic about my youth. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

Mushy! Aw Come On Man.

Being a man, I can easily push my emotions to the side and live my life. I know what I’m feeling and that’s good enough for me. What I fail to remember is that those around can’t read minds. It’s easy to neglect loved ones unintentionally, so every once and while I have to take a step back and proclaim my love from the rooftops. Of course, since I don’t have a rooftop, I will use my blog instead. Malinda, I love you very much. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be pregnant. I don’t know what you’re going through or how you feel, but I can tell you that I love you. We’ve made a nice little life together, and I know it will only get better. Thank you for being my wife.

The Accidental Handyman Strikes Again!

My fence making skills are premium, for sure.

Sophia Agrees!

She's admiring my work as we speak.

100, WOW, That's Neat!

I’m 100 blogs old today. The funny thing is that I don’t feel a blog older than 99. Imagine that bit of overused irony. Regardless of my mediocre milestone, I would still like to thank all three of my readers who only visit my site because I verbally abuse them if they don’t. It’s nice to know I can force patronage upon them. However, if I’m ever going to get syndicated, I’ll need a larger viewership. So beware all of you in cyberspace. I will find you, and you will read my words…and like them.

A Dark Day Afternoon

New England states witnessed dark skies engulf the region one afternoon in 1780. Residents of the northeast didn’t know what to think about the phenomena. Animals bedded down early while some people prayed expecting the end of days. The dark sky gave off and bronze glow, and when night finally fell, no moon or stars could be seen. No one could find a source of the mystery until last year.

Now a days our first explanation of such an incident would be ash from a wildfire or volcanic eruption, but since communication was slow in the 1700s, this couldn’t be proven. In fact, until recently, an actual source for the premature nightfall was never discovered. As it turns out, the dark skies were the result of a fire in Canada. However, fire scar evidence wasn’t found and dated until 2007.

It’s amazing how far we’ve come with technology. And with technological advances, we gain more insight on the eerie occurrences life has to offer. In the end, I’m not sure if I like knowing all of the answers. Has it made me more of a cynic? Do I question all that can’t be explained? Sometimes, it’s nice to chalk it up to miracles or the paranormal. Mysteries add spice and uncertainty to the world. But as much as I like the unknown, I can’t help myself from trying to find the answers anyway.

The 6Th Man

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will soon be able to start their own basketball team, complete with a sixth man, after reports confirm Jolie is pregnant with twins. Officially, they will have more kids, than employees at my office. They could remake Oliver Twist and not have to pay for child extras. They no longer make a standard SUV big enough for their family. This new set of twins for the Jolie-Pitts means that when sibling rivalries erupt, it will be a fair fight; a 3-on-3 smack down between the adopted and the conceived. I’m already trying to buy the rights for the reality TV show.

What keeps me up at night.

Did the last violinist on the Titanic wonder if his music fell upon deaf ears? As the cold water filled his shoes, did he pause and think perhaps now was the time to follow suit; to abandon ship while his songs faded into the night sky? Or did he laugh at the challenge, grip his rosined bow, and play for those willing to listen; knowing that failure and success are separated by a single breath. There is always an instant where despair can turn into hope.

News Break

A T-shirt seller created a shirt displaying a Curious George (a.k.a. monkey) type face with the phrase “Obama ‘08” under it. Even if the original intention wasn’t racially charged, the reaction should have been obvious. Boo on the T-shirt maker. We’ve come too far as a nation to have things like this happen. It’s depressing to know how far we still have to go. The next shirt to be made will have a picture of a donkey on it with the caption “T-shirt maker” under it. Ha, take that Mr. T-shirt maker. I got you.

The Smart Car got an A on its crash tests. Even though it looks like it explodes on impact, the frame design holds up well, and the airbags do their job. I still think that a car that small should get better than 40-miles-per-gallon; especially when a Ford Escape Hybrid gets 35 MPGs. I’m also amazed it’s not a number one seller amongst clowns.

China’s quake victims wait with patience. Despite being injured and homeless, many of the quake victims played cards and quietly waited for government aide. Some moans could be heard, but they came from the seriously injured. My question is whether they actually believe in their age-old-adage of “eat bitterness” or if they’re just too scared to complain. It is China after all. The last guy that complained about the Tibet incident was sentenced to three years in prison. If they complain about not getting adequate assistance, lack of medical treatment could be the least of their worries. Then again, I could just be too cynical to see the truth.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Today when I speak, the world will listen.

Hey, did you hear me? I said you're supposed to listen. Is there anybody out there? No. Okay, nevermind. Maybe tomorrow.

The Sad Truth

Another week means another natural disaster will claim thousands of innocent lives. The most recent occurrence was an earthquake in China, which killed 9,000. As we continue to overpopulate the earth it just seems like more and more catastrophic events are occurring. I actually think we’re just crossing more into the fray where these things happen. Is the planet evolving? Of course it is. It always has. Too many people forget that almost the entire world was covered in ice not too long ago. It didn’t melt because of global warming. It melted because our environment is constantly changing, and as our (the human race) numbers grow, we increase the chances of experiencing this fluidity first hand.

Yes, the recent disasters are sad. Yes, thousands of people died and families were torn apart. The fact of the matter is that the earth has its own check and balance system. Maybe this is the only way we’re not going to overpopulate the world. Maybe the world is fighting back. You can only make a house of cards go so high before part of it comes tumbling down.

Why are all of the numbers scared of 7?

We already know that 7, 8, 9. But they weren't really scared until they found out that 7 killed 13's family and raped 5 in an alley behind Sesame Street. The Count still can't go out alone at night.

Tomorrow, I’m going to set my face to stun.

It all adds up.

Overwhelming Underachievement

A blind bowler scored a perfect 300 in Iowa last weekend. The 78-year-old man has an average of 188 despite the fact he can’t see the lanes. There was also a recent ruling that a double-legged amputee won’t be allowed to compete against “able-bodied” runners in this summer’s Olympic Games. His prosthetics may or may not give him an advantage, but the fact of the matter is that he’s fast enough to compete. Not only are these two cases amazing underdog stories, but they also give me an overwhelming sense of underachievement. There’s nothing like a story about someone rising up against all odds to make you feel like you’re failing in life. So I would like to say “thank you” to all of privileged people out there that are achieving their mediocre goals. You’re averageness allows me to keep my sanity. Of course, if an armless baseball player pitches a no-hitter in the Major Leagues, I just might have to kill myself.

Hooray for Friday!

I don’t know what it is about the work week, but the first couple of days seem to just drag along. But Thursday and Friday blow by. Nice! Regardless, let me be the first to say, “Hooray for Friday.”

The Vixen Within

Who knew that Barbara Walters was such a vixen back in her hey day? According to her recent memoir, she had an affair with the then married Senator Edward Brooke during the 1970s. They kept it a secret because it would have ruined both of their careers. It’s hard to picture the gray-haired journalist as a young and sexy home wrecker, but give me a minute and I’ll try. Oh yeah, go get ‘em Barbara. You do your thing.

Opening Acts

The wife and I went to an Augustana concert last night in Portland. Naturally, they were good. The lead singer has a great voice, but the sound engineering was sub par. You could barely hear the lead singer’s voice. This is a common nuisance when watching a headliner perform. It’s seems that when they get big enough to afford a sound technician, they decide to just turn everything up. This is why I enjoy opening acts so much. They’re usually more low key.

Last night’s opener was British singer David Ford. His music is in the same vein as Damien Rice and James Blunt but edgier. His performance was phenomenal, especially for a solo act. He would jump from instrument to instrument, recording and playing back loops, so by the end of the song it sounded like there was a whole band backing him up. I’ve seen people do this in a studio, but watching it live was something else.

We bought his CD at the concert for ten bucks. It’s good, but it lacks the emotions the live act provided. Regardless, if you’re into the light alternative scene, I definitely recommend checking out his album. If you have a chance to see Ford in person, jump on the opportunity. You won’t be disappointed.

I’ll Drink To That

Although Cinco de Mayo holds a long-standing tradition of getting drunk on cheap Mexican beer, there’s actually more to the story. Many people believe it’s a celebration of Mexico’s independence from Spain, but that was actually declared on September 16, 1810. Eleven years later, they actually achieved that independence. Cinco de Mayo actually celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over French troops in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862.

Mexico had fallen into debt to several countries after the Mexican American War, but France was the only one who came to collect. The French army outnumbered Mexico’s militia forces nearly two-to-one, but the Mexicans were able to push the better-equipped army back. Now we celebrate this victory by drinking margaritas and pounding back 12-ounce cans of Dos Equies.

What most people don’t know is that France came back a year later and beat up on the Mexicans. They placed a leader in Mexico City for four years until he was executed after an uprising.

Whipless

With the recent utilization of Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby this weekend, a lot of horse racing professionals are re-examining the rules and traditions utilized in the sport. One rule change that’s being considered is removing the whip from racing. A growing number of trainers, jockeys, and of course PETA, support this idea. The general consensus is that it’s an unnecessary tradition and doesn’t raise the level of competition.

I’m not much of a horseracing fan, so they can do what ever they want concerning whips. As long they can still be used by Indiana Jones and in the bedroom, I have no problems with its deletion from racing. Now, you take it away from Indiana and then we’d have problems

Tom Cruise – Insert punch line here –

In an interview with Oprah, Tom Cruise said that he wouldn’t take back the couch jumping fiasco that started his downward media spiral three years ago. In a non-related story, Steve Bartman was overheard mentioning that he will continue to try to catch every foul ball at Cub’s games, Mike Tyson claims he doesn’t regret biting off Holyfield’s ear, and the Japanese would still bomb Pearl Harbor even if we rewound time. Oh, and did I mention Bill Clinton feels no remorse about the blue dress incident. Okay, that last one actually is true, but you didn’t hear it from me.

My wife peed on a stick and a baby came out!

Pretty soon I’ll be daddy squared.

Late Movie Review: Charlie Wilson’s War

I finally got to watch Charlie Wilson’s War starring Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Despite the critical acclaim it received when it was in theaters, I just wasn’t pulled into the story from the previews, so I put off seeing the film. After watching it last night, I’m ashamed that it took me as long as it did to experience this gem.

I loved almost every minute of Charlie Wilson’s War. The acting was excellent, especially Hoffman portraying CIA Agent Gust Avrakotos. Now that I’ve seen all of the Oscar nominated performances, I have to admit I think he was slightly robbed by not taking home the golden statue. Of course, the actors had a great script to work with. It was much funnier than expected and moved at a great pace.

Above all, I think the underlying message is as pertinent as ever. Charlie explains that we go in to a country in despair and kick some ass. Then we leave. When we drop the ball on our way out, and it keeps on bouncing. It speaks to the Cold War situation and our current one. If we go in, tear up a government, and leave without rebuilding, the country is left to fend for itself. The population is young and impressionable, and without proper education, they’re easily swayed. Eventual rebels and terrorists will pick up the pieces. That’s why we are back in Afghanistan now. We didn’t rebuild what we help tear down in the late 80s. Faced with the same situation now, we’re trying to do the right thing.

The problem isn’t finding an answer; it’s finding the right answer. Situations are fluid, governments change, and no matter how hard you try to do good, the result will never be proven, only assumed. The Zen master in the fable has it absolutely correct when he only replies, “We shall see.”

“These things happened and they were glorious. But we f**ked up the end game,” Charlie Wilson.

NBA Update

The Suns suck, and the Mavs are worse. So much for the underdogs on Tuesday night.

Dare Dolphins

Two dolphins collided during a jumping stunt over the weekend, killing one and injuring the other. We all know that when a dolphin lives the life of a SeaWorld performer, it’s like playing Russian roulette. Every trick comes with risk. But after the recent death of a 30-year-old dolphin named Sharky, you have to ask yourself, “Was this an accident or the only way out?”

SeaWorld spokesperson, Becca Bides, says this was a very rare and unfortunate incident, but does it go deeper than that? I’m just wondering if after years of service, maybe Sharky couldn't take it anymore. The entertainment industry puts a lot of pressure on its stars, and sometimes they can’t cope. I’m sure the second dolphin was reluctant at first, but it’s hard to ignore Sharky’s convincing charm. One last stunt, in front of one last crowd, that’s how Sharky wanted to go. If he was never going to experience the open ocean again, then he would rather be swimming in the wild blue yonder.

It’s a sad day when dolphins start entering into suicide packs, but even animals have their limits. This phenomenon also comes in the form of suicide by cops. Some animals will attack their trainers, knowing the only way out is by animal control’s sweet retribution. Sharky, I feel your pain as I type in my cubicle. Your free spirit will be remembered.

Look Ma, I’m the punch line of my own joke!

The ever declining state of humanity was reinforced today by the discovery that Josef Fritzl fathered his own grandchildren. But wait, there’s more! Not only did he father six of his daughter’s children, but he did so while she was held captive under his own home for 24 years. He mailed fake letters to himself posing as his daughter so family members wouldn’t suspect her absence, and then told them she had abandoned her children on his doorstep. There’s a lot of different ways to get a first-class ticket to hell. Josef Fritzl, you can pick yours up at will call.

Apparently Fritzl’s wife didn’t know about his secret dealings with the devil either, which makes her the spokesperson for seeing only what you want to see. She also still believes in Santa Claus, despite the fact, she fills her own stocking every Christmas. It’s not that I don’t believe her, I just don’t believe her. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and put this plate of food under my house.

Calamari for 10,000 Please

Who needs the Lock Ness Monster when this guy can haunt your dreams?

Scientists are prepping to study a ginormous squid that was caught by a fishing crew in Antarctica last January. This 900-pound specimen is 30-feet long and has eyes the size of dinner plates. The carcass has been floating a giant tank of ice water as scientist try to decide the best way to examine it. They’re assuming they’ll only have four hours with the squid before it starts to decompose. Hmmm, delicious; there’s nothing like the stench of 900-pounds of seafood rotting to make you want to work faster. It would be an understatement to say that I’m glad I don’t have that job.

With clawed tentacles and a sharp beak, this giant squid gives us a new reason to avoid going back into the water. At least a shark will tear you up rather quickly, as apposed to being pecked at by a giant black beak. I spell a Sci-Fi channel original movie coming on.

Epitaph

I now know my epitaph will read “Handyman, Landscaper, and Humanitarian.” That about sums it all up, for today anyway.

A Different Angle

If our best laid plans only show up in the rearview mirror, have we gone too far?

Touché

Why is it that actions speak louder than words, but the pen is still mightier than the sword?

$5 Headache

When is genius just wrong or even mean? When it come in the form of an advertisement. But not just any ad, one with a jingle and cheesy actors. It’s like when Ricky Martin sang “Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon.” I still wake up singing those ridiculous lines. No Ricky, I don’t want to shake my bon bon, and I don’t want you to be my Latin lover. And now I’m tormented by a new pain and misery. It comes in the form of a $5 foot-long.

Subway’s new commercial is getting back to their roots. They’re attacking their foot-long subs slacking sales (I’m alliterative) head on. If you can’t out wit the consumer, then beat them over the head until they submit. That is not a quote from the ad firm, but it might as well could be.

Yes, I understand its simplicity. Yes, it gets back to Subway’s roots of selling the foot-long. Yes, I know its genius, but if I never have to see or hear it again that will be too soon. It just repeats itself over and over again, $5 foot-long, $5 foot-long, $5 foot-long. The deal had better only go on for a limited time, as promised by the ad, or I just may FREAK OUT.

So please excuse me while I go shake my bon bon.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Fifteen monkeys are loose in Lakeland, Flo. today after a fire forced them to swim across a pond to safety. Wildlife officials are baffled about the escape because the monkeys aren’t supposed to be able to swim… An animal just below us on the evolutional chain, that has reasoning skills, relationship association, and two arms and two legs, isn’t supposed to be able to swim? Do these guys know that elephants can swim? Are they aware that hippopotamuses in all of their lard-assed glory are practically water polo experts? Of course monkeys can swim. Just because they don’t do it for fun, doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

In order to retrieve the escaped monkeys, wildlife officials are pulling out all of the stops. Due to the primate’s elusive nature, they are going to lay out bananas and sweet potatoes in the same spot for a couple of days and try to net the animals when they get close. I employed this same tactic when trying to catch leprechauns every St. Patrick’s Day eve. Then again, I was five. I can order clothes through a touch sensitive window at a retail storefront, but these guys have to use bananas and nets to catch escaped monkeys. Maybe we should go to Afghanistan with 70 virgins and put them in front of mountain caves in order to catch Osama Bin Laden.

Another No Brainer

A recent study suggests that our brains are hardwired to not like losing. When we beat those that are supposed to be better than we are, our brain reacts with excitement in its action planning region. When we lose to someone who is supposed to be inferior, we react with emotional pain and frustration. Wow!

Once again, the scientists and researchers have unlocked a painfully obvious mystery. All of this time I was wondering why I loved winning and hated losing. Now I know it’s because my brain controls my emotions. Go figure. If they can only look into how my blood gets pumped through my body, all of life’s enigmas will be solved.

But why stop there? I would still like to know why water is wet, why it gets hotter during the summer, and why shorter people aren’t as tall as tall people. That one still gets me. It would be different if they discovered some of this information while trying to cure cancer or even while trying to make a better tasting pizza; something with some value attached to it. But no, they actually funded a test in order to find this out. I guess the next thing we need to figure out is where all of this country’s money is going to. Surely, it’s not to overpriced, unnecessary research projects.

I have one shiny ear drum, and one that is not so shiny. That makes me sad.

I'm Strepped

In case you were wondering, your body can cure itself of strep throat. It may take a little longer, but antibiotics aren’t an absolute necessity. I found this out today. As long as you can deal with the fever, chills, body aches, sore throat, headache, and ear aches, your body just kind of figures it out.

I was also told by my doctor that even if you’re taking antibiotics you can still be contagious if you have symptoms. The whole 24 hour and you’re in the clear thing isn’t stand pat, so it’s wise to avoid orgy make out sessions and deal making spit handshakes. Finally, you may all feel privileged to know that strep throat is just as contagious as a cold or a flu, so the same precautions should be taken for all.

That being said, if you read online that if you have strep and don’t get meds, it will more than likely take 21 days for symptoms to subside, or if left untreated you may get scarlet fever, you can relax. This rarely happens. And just because you didn’t go to doctor four days ago when you were on your death bed doesn’t mean being in the office today is going to bring a plague upon break room. So you don’t have to freak out when all of your co-workers look at you with the stink eye, rush to the doctor, and waste a $25 co-pay just to find this out. That would be exhausting and waste a good portion of your day.

Float On

I listened to "Float On" by Modest Mouse today. That song is awesome. It's got a great beat, quirky inspirational lyrics, and is just fun to listen to. I'm not a huge fan of Modest Mouse as a whole, but the songs they get right, they absolutely nail. Check em out.

This picture of Malinda and I always makes me smile.

Interestingly, we weren't even posing. We may still be posers though.

Sticking It to the Man

The cable company almost got me. Well, they got me for one month anyway. I signed up for my Internet and telephone service with Comcast about eight months ago. They gave me one of those six month promo deals where I got unlimited Internet access and unlimited long distance phone service for $45 a month. Of course after six months the rates double. Our first bill was $95. Ouch!

Naturally, I was going to call and cancel the phone service because it was more of a luxury then a necessity. Not to mention, it was ridiculously over priced. As the story goes I forgot to call the first month and we paid the bill. I almost forgot this month as well, until one of their door-to-door salesmen showed up today and tried to upgrade my service. I laughed (internally, so that not to be rude). I then immediately called Comcast to cancel my phone service. It’s funny how their aggressive sales nature actually cost them money. Who’s the man now dog?

Anyway, I wasn’t going to give in completely. So when I called I let the customer service rep know that the only reason I was canceling my service was because the price was simply way too high for how much I used the phone. She immediately showed her cards by giving me both services for $53 a month; funny how that works out. It wasn’t really even a negotiation. I said jump, she said how high, and we both moved on.

It just goes to show you how being on top of you bills can save you some cash. It’s also a reminder that you don’t have to pay what companies say you have to pay. They know they’re overpriced and you have a choice in service providers. When push comes to shove, they’re more than willing to negotiate. So take that “the man.” You didn’t get me this time. You can put that bill in your proverbial pipe and metaphorically smoke it.

Summer Lovin'

The wife and I usually don’t have time to experience the stadium seating and the Dolby Digital surround sound of our neighborhood Cineplex. Having a kiddo means we usually get excited about new releases three months after they land in theaters (blockbuster’s total access is my mistress). But since the summer movie season is about to kick off, I think I’m going to make a few big screen exceptions for the following films.

Iron Man – Coming out May 2nd, this comic book remake kicks off the studio’s tent pole season. Even though I never read the comics as a kid, this character has a certain appeal. It promises explosions and excitement combined with an all-star cast, which is probably one of the most over used phrases when describing a group of actors and I promise to never use it again. Regardless, Robert Downey Jr. is a kick in almost everything he does. The graphics look crisp and as long as there’s not too much set up, it should be a fun ride.

Indiana Jones – Opening May 22nd, this is the fourth installment of Spielberg’s immensely popular take on the action-packed treasure hunting genre. Without Indiana Jones there would be no “The Mummy” or “National Treasure.” Growing up watching Harrison Ford battle voodoo priests and the Nazis with nothing more than a whip and a fancy hat, is what childhoods are made of. Adding Shia LeBeouf (his name means the beef in French) to the cast will make for an entertaining ride that should definitely be experienced on the big screen, if for nothing more than pure nostalgia.

Wall·E will land in theaters on June 27th. This Pixar animation will surely rake in the cash since the studio has never experienced the bitter taste of failure. Even though it’s supposed to be one of their riskier ventures (combining minimal dialogue with more realistic graphics), I have no doubt that they figured out how to make it work. And since my kid might be old enough to sit through an entire movie, it’s the perfect time to introduce her to Pixar CG crack. Delicious.

The Dark Knight flies into theaters on July 18th. Despite all of the attention this movie will get because of Heath Ledger’s death, I still think it will deliver. The Batman series was revived when Batman Begins gritty style showed audiences how comic remakes should be made. This one will be no different. I was impressed by Ledger’s take on the Joker just from the trailers. His choice of inspirations (the main character in Clockwork Orange) should bring a creepy persona to the screen. His death has only heightened the public’s awareness, but the performances stay the same. Now we shall see if the movie can overcome the hype.

Unexpected Sequels – I knew they were going to make a new X-Files movie. I just didn’t realize the time had come. Even though I’ve never really cared about finding the truth, I’m sure this sci-fi will find its audience. The new installment hits theaters July 25th. The Mummy; Tomb of the Dragon Emperor comes out August 1st, and I have to admit that I’m excited for it to grace the new release wall at Blockbuster. The first two films were super cheesy, but for some reason hooked me from the beginning. Finally, the Incredible Hulk re-emerges this summer. I didn’t realize there was a need to remake the remake, and from the look of the trailer, that franchise likes to get kicked when it’s down. Who know maybe it will surprise me.

Other sequels coming out this summer that aren’t worth mentioning - The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and Hellboy 2. I’m not going to waste theoretical ink talking about them.

That's Hot

I've had a 102 degree temperature for the last two days. So I'm taking sick leave from blogging.

Loser!

The Biggest Loser has to be one of the most inspirational TV shows out there. I know, I know, Temptation Island is a close second, but I have to give the edge to Loser. I typically don’t watch the entire season; mainly because most of the episodes are two hours long. However, I do make time in my schedule to sit through the entire finale episode, which aired last night. And once again, inspiration spewed from my television.

Not only did Loser crown their first female winner, they also gave a prize to the contestant that lost the most body weight (by percentage) since being kicked off the show. Both winners shed nearly 50% of their body mass, 50%! Can you imagine losing half your body weight? In most cases, the contestants lost more than Nicole Richie weighs. It’s amazing how much these people change their lives over the course of 16 weeks.

I’m by no means overweight, but I’m not exactly where I would like to be. After watching the show I was ready to take on the world. I didn’t even know what I needed to do, but I knew I could do it better if I put my mind to it. The Biggest Loser is the only show on television where all of the contestants are winners. Kudos to that. Now drop down and give me 20!

This is my 62nd Post!

I'm not mocking my good friend Eric. I'm actually just bitter because I had to start over because I didn't like the address of my old blog. Sad faces for me. Happy faces for Eric.

A dose of Bill Gate's tough love.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. I love it when someone takes a stand to de-wimp our kids. I recently read articles where parents wanted to eliminate honor rolls and all star teams because they make some kids feel like they’re not good enough. The fact of the matter is that some kids aren’t good enough, and they turn into adults that aren’t good enough. Competition is what drives our society and keeps technology moving forward. The harsh truth about the real world is that if you can’t keep up, you will be left behind. Taking these lessons out of our schools is why more and more 30-year-olds are living with their parents still. Let’s take a look at Bill’s words of wisdom.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

American Suckhole.

I’m all for reality TV. Even the crappy ones can kill an hour of my time on a Saturday morning, but I just can’t get on board with American Idol. It annoys me to no end. Every morning when Yahoo graces my computer screen, I see the latest American Idol news; every single day. Is this really news?

I know we live in a 24-hours a day, 7-days a week, 52-weeks a year news era, but give me a break. The show is already on TV for two-hours a day, three-days a week. Do I really have to read about it every morning as well?

I understand Fox’s need to shove this televised Karaoke contest down our throats. It’s their big ticket rating getter. I just wish it was a better show. Yes, we know that Paula is a crack head, Simon loves rubbing his man boobs, and Randy likes to use the word “dog,” but I need a little more then that to hold my attention. Perhaps I just can’t stand the fact that every season produces a winner that proceeds to record a ridiculously lame album that bombs on the charts. Seriously…we take 6 months canvassing the country for an “artist” that can publically make a crappy album. Sweet! I’m pretty sure I could do the same thing in a week. Maybe we should have American Architect next. We can find America’s favorite architect, have them design a wildly popular looking house, and then laugh as that house crashes down on its occupants. It would be great TV. Alright Fox, let’s make this happen.

Wisdom Schmisdom (2).

I think the best lessons learned are from those who don’t realize they’re teaching. I can still remember the day I realized that just because I’m wrong, doesn’t make you right. And just because I’m right, doesn’t make you wrong. This is a good lesson.

Oh yes, There Will Be Blood.

There will be blood follows the life of Daniel Plainview as he sacrifices his sanity in order to find success. His is a story that’s been told numerous times through many different mediums. We all can relate to these challenges even if we deny it. We’re all good and we’re all bad. We’re all sinners, even those who preach their purity on a daily basis. The point is that this movie is not for everybody. In fact, many people won’t find it engaging at all. However, it is about everybody. Whether you admit it or not, Daniel is me, and Daniel is you. It’s in our nature. The question is not “if” you will fail yourself, but how you handle yourself after you do.

That being said, I did enjoy this movie. As Eric so keenly pointed out, it definitely follows the pacing of a novel, but not at the price of the story. The cinematography was always moving. Even when the shots were static, they were moving the story forward. And the acting was definitely upper tier. Eric also stated that unlike a QuentinTarantino movie where you get punched in the face until you fall down, There Will Be Blood is like a starring contest in which your knees buckle by the sheer will of Paul Thomas Anderson's glare. I, however, think it’s somewhere in between. It’s more of a slapping contest – perhaps because everyone in the movie get’s their fair share of open handed love.

So the question is do I recommend this movie, and the answer is no. It’s just not for most people. Yes, I liked it, but I don’t think the majority will. It’s not because I think I’m smarter than everyone else, or that I’m more philosophical. It’s actually because most movie goers like to be entertained as apposed to being reminded of “mans inhumanity towards man.” ;) Yes, I just used the semicolon wink…sue me. It’s a film lovers dream, and a movie watchers nightmare. If you’re somewhere in between, then give it a chance. At lease by the end of it, you’ll know what category you fall into.

I apologize if this blog sounds pretentious. I would dumb it down if I could, but my brain is growing uncontrollably fast these days. ;) Yep, there it is again.

Wisdom Schmisdom.

If given the choice of a high-five or a hand shake, I would choose the high-five. But then again I also give the mini salute goodbye as apposed to the wave. It hard being this cool, but somehow I manage.

A Lucas says what?

There’s compromise in everyday. Life is full of pushes and pulls, and I’m okay with that.

Left Behind.

With Tiger Woods making like a gazillion dollars a year in advertising and endorsement deals, it’s easy to look past “Old Lefty.” Phil Michelson has been quietly raking in endorsements as his popularity continues to increase. Last year he made over $47 million dollars in non-purse revenues, which is still a far cry from Tiger’s $100 million, but not that shabby.

So why can’t I get behind this guy. He’s middle-aged, married, and has a kid. He loves the game of golf, and has a competitive drive. Yet, I want him to get squashed like a bug. It’s not entirely fair. I would like to say it’s because he has a bad attitude and curses on the links, but Tiger can be just as, if not more, explosive when something goes wrong. Then I thought that maybe it was because he wasn’t good under pressure, which shows an innate weakness in character, but the guy has made some amazing shots over his career. Not to mention, Tiger doesn’t have the best record when faced with a final round comeback.

This left me with one conclusion. Just like George Bush doesn’t like black people (or maybe he just doesn’t like Kanye West), I don’t like lefties. Using your left hand for everyday tasks isn’t natural. What’s next, are some people going to start using only one eye, or maybe babies will be born with two faces. The whole thing is ludicrous. Sorry Phil, my dislike for you was preordained. You should have never starting digging into your Gerber baby food with your left hand; you should have forced yourself to write your name with your right hand – like the rest of us normal people.

It’s too bad though. Now that I realized I have a left hand prejudice, I have to figure out if I still like my brother. That’s right; one of my own blood relatives is a lefty. I’ve been tainted by south-pawism. It’s a shame I must live with. Oh well, go get ‘em Tiger.

You've got a little MySpace on your Facebook.

I’ve had a facebook account for about six months now. Why? I couldn’t really tell you because I don’t remember the last time I actually logged into it. I think I jumped on to the band wagon when it wasn’t cool to have a MySpace page anymore if you were older than 24, or some arbitrary age like that. It’s not that I really care about how mature I look in the online world; I just don’t want to look young and immature. Not to mention I’m a hypocrite.

Anyway, back to the point. A coworker told me that I should get back on facebook, so I did that day. I think I did it so quickly because I have no backbone and can’t make decisions for myself; I’ll have to ask my wife to see if this is the case. Regardless, I found that it’s quite boring. There’s not a lot to do, and what I could do, I thought was a little lame. You can play games with people online, which is pretty cool, but overall, I felt underwhelmed. I’m going to give it another chance to see if I can’t spice my page up a little bit and inject a more of my personality into my profile, or maybe I’ll just take more time to actually learn what all of the functions do.

In the end, I can’t quite figure out if I’m too old for these type of social networks, or if I only want to be a part of one that allows me to search all of the 21-year-old lesbians in my area that might have been able to sneak some naked photos into their profile.

I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, and I Do

I copied this text directly from MSNBC so that it’s not affected by my personal biases.

“A polygamous community in Texas that follows the teaching of The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints practices pedophilia, torture and child abuse under the guise of a religion, according to a woman who escaped the sect with her eight children five years ago.
Police removed 401 children and 133 women from the compound on warrants issued by a judge, who deemed them to be under imminent danger of physical abuse.”

I’m not going to touch this one with any sized pole, 10-foot or otherwise. Instead, at the request of Mr. Eric Strahl I punched someone in the face and then raged against the machine.

Free Tibet...Protesters.

The hell with an overpass on I-5; when you want to make a statement you might as well go big or go home…or go to jail. Three protesters scaled the Golden Gate Bridge on Monday and hung banners that read “One World, One Dream, Free Tibet.” These activists are part of a group known as Students for a Free Tibet. Seven total protesters were hauled to jail and charged with misdemeanor trespassing, nuisance, and felony conspiracy.

Upon hearing about the act of protest the Chinese government promptly diminished the sentences of their protesters, which set them free. They also drew up a treaty that allows Tibet to act as their own entity and finally be a free nation. No, just kidding. They actually kicked a couple of puppies, gassed some butterflies, and randomly shot people in the streets. Why, because their China, they don’t care, and they don’t like puppies.

The good news is that those who scaled the bridge now know that they’re good climbers. Rock climbing 101 really paid off! And they got their 15 minutes of fame, which means we don’t have to hear about them ever again. Hooray. They can also take solace in knowing they won’t get 3 ½ years in prison. Instead, they’ll probably get community service and timed served.

Unfortunately, the Olympic torch is just now coming to the States, so expect more delays caused by protesters followed by more injured puppies in China. Oh well, I guess someone has to try to make a difference.

Hey! Quit Being Two-Faced...Oh, My Bad.

An Indian baby was born with two faces, e.g., four eyes, two noses, and two mouths. She’s being worshiped as a reincarnation of a Hindu goddess. I haven’t decided if it’s amazing or just amazingly creepy. No wait, I just decided; it’s amazingly creepy.

I’m not sure if both faces function correctly, and I don’t think that either instance would be beneficial. I guess if there were one place for this to happen and it is a good thing, it would be India where at least she resembles a goddess. I know that if it was your baby you would love it regardless, but I’m also pretty sure no one would ask for this to happen. I can’t even imagine the repercussions of this as she grows older. Have you ever tried talking to someone with a lazy eye? Yeah, I know, it’s a little awkward. Imagine trying to talk to someone with a lazy face.

A Man's Man.

American icon Charlton Heston died this weekend at the age of 84. The Oscar winning actor dominated the silver screen in films like Ben Hur and Planet of the Apes. He gave us the line “Soylent Green is people! People!” and “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.” But some his most memorable work came later on in his life when he became the championing voice of the NRA. Now, those promoting gun control might actually get Heston’s gun.

Heston was as stoic as they come, both on and off the screen. Of course, he also never shied away from controversy. He never apologized for his stance on issues and that has to be commended. Omega Man, I salute you. Thanks for being a man’s man, whether it was right or wrong.

Hmmm.

Do you remember when people were trying to promote random acts of kindness? does not punching someone in the face count?

The Color Red

A Chinese man was sentenced to three and a half years in prison for speaking out against communism. That is the reality of the world we live in. I know I’ve been a little soap boxy lately, but when you really start paying attention to what’s going on, it’s hard not to be affected. A story like this is easy to pass off as just being unfortunate because we’re not directly touched by the situation, so I’m asking you to seriously take two full minutes and think about it. Really put yourself in his shoes.

A man that was unhappy with his government made remarks in protest fashion, and was jailed for 3 ½ years. For 42 months he will be behind bars. He won’t see his home for 2,184 weeks. He can’t be with his family for 15,288 days; all because he tried to make a difference. He spoke up. He didn’t damage property. He didn’t physically harm anyone. He didn’t threaten anyone. You can get less prison time in America for killing someone.

So the next time you are talking about politics, and you have something negative to say, don’t let that moment pass without effect. Cherish your right to have freedoms because not everyone has that chance. It’s easy to say that they can relocate, or they can change their government, but the fact of the matter is that change is hard to come by. It’s not immediate, and it comes at a price. So what are you going to do for the next 3 ½ years. Think about your plans, not the idea of having plans, but everything you would miss on a day to day basis if they were ripped from you. Take two full minutes and just think about it.

Unexpected Nostalgia

I caught the end of the Yankees game today, and it made me realize a couple of things. The first is that I miss NYC. I don’t miss all of Manhattan, only the good parts. It’s easy to forget the nasty humidity, the 30 mph winds, and more reggaetone I could really handle. It’s also easy to forget the 95 degree August days. Those were the ones when you got steamed alive in the subways, and came out smelling like B.O. and piss.

It’s nice to know that most of those memories are overpowered by the good ones. New York City is where I went to my first baseball game. A lot of people like the Yankees because they’re a powerhouse and a safe bet, but Yankee stadium is where I had my first real ball park frank and $9 Bud Light. No matter how much you might dislike the evil empire, it's hard to root against the Yankees in "the house that Ruth built." Of course, Malinda and I picked two of the only spring games to have hour plus rain delays, but we didn’t mind. It was love at first sight anyways, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

NYC is also where my baby was born, and I was introduced to the emasculating effects of being a housewife. Fortunately, we had the Yankee Entertainment Sports network in HD, which allowed me to watch nearly all of their games with Sophia in my lap. At the time there wasn’t anything more relaxing then settling into my recliner with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other, knowing the only thing I had to worry about over the next couple of hours was whether or not Robinson Cano was going to grow into a clutch player. Well, that and making sure Sophia had a dry diaper and a full bottle. I think she might be a Yankee fan without even knowing it.

It’s those unexpected moments of nostalgia that really make me appreciate the past couple of years of my life. It’s easy to complain about money and work stresses, but I always remember how much it was worth it. It’s a good feeling. Like the feeling you get when you realize that the good memories will eventually overpower the bad ones.

I Will Lead You!

Directly from the Associated Press “Independent truckers around the country pulled their rigs off the road and others slowed to a crawl on major highways in a loosely organized protest of high fuel prices.” See, I didn’t need to paint signs or stand on overpasses. They must have read my blog and decided to take action. Man, I’m such a leader.

Does This Make Me An Activist?

The top executives of the five major oil companies admitted to knowing that rising gas prices are causing a great deal of strain on the American public. Of course they ended their statements by deflecting any blame, citing that their profits of $123 billion last year were right in line with other industries.

It’s awesome to know that despite research showing that our supply of both gas and oil are adequate, the price per barrel and per gallon keep rising. All while the oil companies continue to profit. I understand that according to the Dow Jones Industrial Average, their profits are only a little higher that most companies on cents per dollar of sales. But my first question is “does this really take into account the sure volume of sales they make each year?” If I only earn 2 cents more on the dollar than you do, but have a billion more dollars in sales every year, still equates to a lot of cents.

I’m pretty sure Hitler used similar logic when trying to exterminate half of the world. It’s just more proof that you can look at any situation from a certain light to make it look favorable. Besides, the fact that other industries rake in similar profits doesn’t fly in my book. Other industries don’t twist our arms into using their products. Sure, you can argue that we don’t really need oil. Make that point, but then try living without it for one day. The alternatives are limited at best. Even when we didn’t have computers, TVs, the Internet, and cell phones, we still depended on oil. You can argue that oil has been the one constant thorn in our dependency’s side since the industrial age.

I’m not going to finger paint a sign that says “Honk for no more oil” and stand on a bridge, but we do need to figure out a solution. The more we let any industry rake us over the coals, the less control we’ll have in the end. We need competitive alternatives and true free market competition. Not these perceived scenarios pushed on us by Hitler and his crew.

April What?

The obligatory April fool’s day has arrived. A day I usually think about far in advance. A day I can get away with being mischievous and chalk it up to good old fashion tradition. A day you can tell people exactly how you feel, no matter how cutting it may be, and end it by clearing the air with “April Fools.” With all of this potential waiting in the wings, I actually forgot all about it. This was one of the first years I was actually consumed by deadlines at work, environmental factors, and other grown up stuff. And I have to tell ya, it kind of bums me out.

Apparently Internet searches on how to best your coworker is up 40%. I suppose with the seriousness of the national agenda, we’re all looking for a little comic relief. Perhaps it’s when you’re under the most pressure that you should break free of the stress and add a little comedy to your life; at the expense of others of course.

Work, you are now delegated to the back seat. $50,000 client deals play second fiddle to today’s tomfoolery. A paycheck can wait. There are laughs to be had, knees to be slapped, and tears of resentful joy to be felled. Today is an immature man’s Christmas, and I plan on celebrating. The day is young. I may have my fun yet. I guess we will just have to wait and see.