A thought I had today...

Easter was basically April Fool’s day for Jesus.

Because I can’t comment on Don Joseph Kingsley’s Blog:

Donnie actually thought “The Happening” wasn’t that bad. He said, “A lot better than I expected considering all the people who told me it was terrible. It was not terrible.”

This is a case of having such low expectations for a crappy movie that the viewer actually feels a slight sense of euphoria when the film doesn’t burn out his or her retinas. This is a common occurrence in life. If you set yourself up for disappointment, it’s easier to be satisfied with the outcome. That being said, Donnie should know better than to advocate such a feeling before understanding the ramifications of his misconceptions. Like a drunken one-night-stand with a homeless hooker, it always seems like a better idea that it really is.

I went into the movie without any preconceived notions and came out utterly disappointed. I witnessed several good actors coming off as complete amateurs, which usually falls on the director and script. The tension was limp and the story line has been done before. Although it’s not a remake, it was by no means “original storytelling.” I’m giving Donnie a cyber back hand right now. Did you feel that Donnie?

I guess I can look at my review as an act of Good Samaritanism. By setting the reading public’s expectations so low, they may actually not want to kill themselves after watching this pile. That’s my good deed for the day.

E-mail Fodder

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

And the winner is…

No one! So even though I don’t really like the modern debate format, last night’s duel wasn’t that bad. The candidates were able to get up and walk around, which felt more engaging, and the banter was a little more on point.

In the end, what did we learn? McCain looks awfully uncomfortable wielding a microphone with his nonfunctioning bionic shoulders. I totally respect the guy. He’s more of a man that I’ll ever be, but walking around with a microphone is not his strong suit; at least not visually. Both candidates still love to interpret the same facts in different ways, which is brilliant for all of us confused Americans who don’t have a clue about what’s actually going on. But at least they broke the issues down, so we can be more confused in greater detail.

After a full hour and a half of back and forth wordplay, I think the night ended in a tie. That’s like playing an entire game and still having to go to overtime…Exhausting. The worst case scenario would be a hard fought overtime. McCain might take the term “sudden death” too literally. And then who would run in his place, Palin? Instead of tax returns, we would be refunded in Moose Drool Ale. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s not a bad idea.

An Overdue Feud

I apologize to all three of my faithful readers for my shear lack of posts over the last couple of weeks. Fortunately for me, I’ve been bogged down at work, which takes up most of the creative brain power I have allotted for each day. By the time I get home, I am mush. I have also been immensely satisfied with my lot in life as of late. This leaves little room for me to garner hatred towards those who make me feel like I am completely underperforming; a deadly combination for someone whose humor is based on depression and a low self esteem.

The good news is that I am starting to feel a rhythm in my new work environment and should be functioning at a more efficient level shortly. And because I can never allow myself to be too happy for too long, I’m sure I will find some reason to jump into a downward spiral of self loathing. At that point, I will start to berate all that I see once again. I will tear down those that leave themselves vulnerable and laugh at the misery of the world. If I run out of sugar for my coffee, I will hate on anyone who grows sugar cane – you know who you are. If I’m late to work, I throw out racially insensitive slurs about all of those who can’t drive. If I lose more sleep because my neighbors won’t stop partying in their driveway, I will smash their windshield with my pick axe and tell the world about. I will be an equal opportunity hater of idiots.

Until then, I hope you all have a wonderfully magnificent day. Turn that frown upside down and smile for crying out loud.

Debates and Debacles

Here’s the issue I have with the debating system as it relates to the modern era. All it seems to prove is that a person can speak in front of a camera…period. I’ve watched the last two debates, and I don’t think I’ve heard a single plan or actual statistic. One side says this will work, and the other side refutes by saying it won’t. One side says we need to ramp up education, the other side says we need to focus on Afghanistan. That’s great. What the hell does it mean?

Unfortunately, all a person can really get from a debate it the tone and confidence behind a candidate’s voice. Last night I heard so many apposing “statistics” it made it impossible to know who’s telling the truth. I suppose back before the Internet, televised debates were fairly important because the candidate’s personalities weren’t as accessible. But we know so much about the candidates these days that the actual debates don’t provide us any new information.

I don’t want to hear two hours of propaganda fluff. If you say you’re going to bolster education, tell me how. Are you going to provide private education waivers, reallocate funds so teachers get paid more, or restructure standardized testing? This is the information that will actually affect me. I want to hear numbers, strategies, and dates; not slogans, buzz words, and nicknames.

The worst part is that the next day the media actually tries to crown a winner. What is this, the Academy Awards? And the award for the best candidate able to skirt the issue goes to…

A Quote by Me:

Merely standing will only tire you out. Standing for something will make you stronger.

I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.

Fun Stuff

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Identity Crisis

Yahoo just reported on the fact that employers are checking the Internet before they bring potential employees on board. That’s right, your Facebook profile and Blogspot can work against you. Once again, I would like to congratulate Yahoo for digging deep into today’s issues and reporting on the obvious. I don’t know what I would do without them. Then again, I still read all of their boiler plate articles, so I guess that makes me just as bad as them. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I’m the douche bag.

Anyway, the worst part about employers checking up on potential employees is the fact that they are simply going off of a name. I googled myself and the second person that came up on the list has a Facebook account in which they call themselves Lucas Burt. Whether that’s their name or not, it surely isn’t me. Because many employers use this web-checking technique as a way to narrow down résumés, you may be getting graded on someone else’s profile.

I’m just throwing ideas out here, but it might be prudent to start including your profile addresses on your résumé. This way at least you know what your potential employer might be looking at. It might also give you an advantage. Let’s say you’re applying for a job in the non-profit sector, it might be prudent to gear some of your profile interests towards that potential job. You can leverage the information floating around on the web in your favor. Interviewing is all about manipulation anyway, so why not become a pro at it?

As a general rule, I wouldn’t post anything online that you wouldn’t want your boss to see, but if you really need a platform for that picture of you puking off the roof of your frat house, simply create a profile using your nickname. This might make your complete web footprint harder to define. And to that other Lucas Burt out there, I’m watching you, buddy.

Holy Crap on My Face

The fact of the matter is that I’m almost 28-years-old and still have occasional breakouts on my face. I can’t complain too much because I never really had a lot of zits growing up, but there are some things you just expect to outgrow; like wetting the bed, binge drinking, and yes, getting zits. I like to refer to them as sympathy pimples because my wife’s pregnancy has caused her to also become a candidate for Proactive commercials. So what’s the point of all of this? Toothpaste. Yup, toothpaste.

Last night my wife came into the living room with white dabs all over her face. “Don’t mind my zit medicine,” she said. I know we don’t usually have acne cream in the house, so I pressed her a little. Turns out, she put toothpaste on all of her zits. I’ve heard about this home remedy before but never game it any mind. Nonetheless, my forehead looked as though I was going through puberty all over again, so I covered it in Aquafresh, which burned a little. I don’t know if the burning means it’s working or I was actively whitening my whiteheads.

To my dismay – yes, dismay I say – in the morning I was virtually pimple free. Ha! Toothpaste! It’s a little ridiculous and a lot of mint freshness, but it still cleared me up. Now I just have to work on wetting the bed. On second thought, quitting binge drinking would probably take care of that as well.

Updates O’ Plenty

I will have to admit that I found myself slacking off in the blog department this last week. With my recent promotion at work, I had a lot on my mind and on my desk. Regardless, I will do better. Here are some updates for those who care:

The wife and I became landscaper extraordinaires. We finally found a use for the pallet of bricks that was left at our house when we bought it. After some discussion, we put in a small brick patio that will butt up against the deck that I still have to build. It looks good too. We also built a stone flower bed ring around some trees in the back yard. Overall, the additions to the back have really made it look like an actually yard. We’re excited for the grass to fully grow in, and like I mentioned, for me to actually build that deck – pictures to come. And kudos to my wife for being 7-months pregnant and still wanting to get on her hands and knees to lay brick and move dirt. That woman is something fierce.

My sister forgot that I’m an old man that works on his house and watches his kid all weekend, thus, rendering me useless past 10 in the p.m. She and my mom called me three times between the hours of 11:30 p.m. and midnight, waking me from my slumber. The worst part was that every time I made it to the phone, no one was on the other side. At least someone is still living carefree. Oh, the days.

Paul Newman died. This one sucks. I will write more on him later, but for now, I will say that he was an amazing actor and a good man.

I didn't edit this, so hopefully it's not too full of errors.

I'm still sick, and that still sucks. But my job kicks ass, so I can't complain.

Band of Horses

I know they’ve been out for awhile, but I’ve just recently been turned on to their cool stylings. They do for me what the Shins have done for so many in the indie scene. Similar in vocal inflection but with a more driving core to their songs, Band of Horses is easy on the ears. Check them out if you’ve haven’t yet. If you’ve been a fan for awhile, kudos to you for being ahead of the game.

Hump Day

No one likes to go to work on Wednesdays. They’re worse than Mondays in my book. At least with Mondays, and Tuesdays for that matter, you know that you have the rest of the week to get all of your work done. Pile up the paperwork because time is on your side. Thursdays and Fridays usher in the weekend. Even if you didn’t get all of you work done, you can escape your failures for 48 straight hours before you have to deal with them again. But Wednesdays…Wednesdays are the week’s purgatory. You’re in limbo between work and freedom. You still have a ton to do but not enough time to do it. You’re looking in the rearview mirror and through the windshield all at once. You’re back might not be against the wall, but you can feel the chill of the bricks. Damn you Wednesday, and your evil stigma.

A Quote By Me:

When neither side wants to give in, the only possible outcome is for one to give up.

10K

Well, despite the lack of preparation and a nasty cold, I finished my first 10K (that’s 6.2 miles for all you English folk). The course had more hills than MTV (that’s a bad pun for all of you who don’t think I noticed). In fact, I don’t think I was ever running on a flat surface for the entire race.

I ended up finishing in 51:26, which breaks down to 8:16 miles. I would have loved to have done better, but considering I’ve never ran over 3.5 miles in my life, along with the above mentioned excuses, I can’t complain. Come to think of it, I’m actually pretty proud of that time.

Now I lay in wait for Eric to drag me to another race. This time, however, I will train for it, so I have no excuses. Well, I’m sure I could fine one or two if I was hard pressed.

As a side note: Not that I didn’t already have some serious respect for my buddy Seth, who tore up a Marathon last year, I now have twice as much respect for his crazy ass. Running is hard. Running that far has got to be a hell of a lot harder.

The Chopper

I got my dog neutered yesterday. Now all he does is mope around saying things like, “Hey man, why did you have to cut off my balls?” It’s sad really. Oh well. Maybe now he’ll stop humping the rocking horse.

This Sucks

After avoiding the cold that's been circulating through my house for two weeks now, I've finally succumbed. And just in time for my race this weekend, which I haven't been training for. Awesome! Sore throat, headache, and a congested chest; yup, that rounds out the wish list. What's next, am I going to randomly break my big toe? Perhaps my dog will chew up my running shoes.

Sometimes, I just get the feeling like I'm not supposed to be doing something. But instead of heeding the warning, I ignore it. And that is why I'm a douche bag.

Microsoft Tries To Go Softer

The new Microsoft ads not only fall short of amazing, they also forget to actually advertise. They are obviously trying to put some emotion back into the brand like Mac has done with it’s stripped down but funny commercial campaign, but the result is off the mark. Showcasing Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld as common place people attempting to fit in with the world provides miniscule laughs, but by the end of the spot, you hardly know what the ad was trying to accomplish.

Conversely, the Mac ads work because they come at you on different levels. Yes, the ads are funny. But they also give you a visual representation of why Macs are cooler; an aural example of why Macs are hipper, and remind you throughout the entire spot that it’s a commercial for Mac.

The new Microsoft ads, however, are comprised of 90 seconds of irrelevant banter followed by a Microsoft logo. Yes, it’s funny to watch Gates try to be likable, but I don’t think I’m laughing with him. And while they are hoping the audience establishes an emotional connection with the brand, they don’t give us enough brand to connect with.

I know my PC will never be edible, yet that is what they allude to. Are they trying to be cute (I know the answer is yes) or just reminding me that they will continue to overpromise and under deliver? Instead of making Bill Gates likable, Microsoft needs to remind me of the positive feelings I get by using a PC. The Mac commercials do this wonderfully. They show you that you won’t get angry because Macs don’t crash or continually restart. They comedically compare creative project outcomes using a Mac and PC. They build off of a feeling you already have and connect them with their product as apposed to showing you a feeling then reminding you they also sell product.

I appreciate the fact that Microsoft is finally making an attempt at building its brands value, but I’m hoping for a better effort next time around.

I’m a Big Kid Now

I felt like a tried and true grownup today. I actually had to miss a day of work because my baby was sick, and there was nothing I could do about it. The worst part was that I had to take a day off without pay, which takes any enjoyment out of missing work. Oh well.

Current Project: BaileyWorks is a messenger bag company on the East Coast. I'm writing their website, and this is the first 1/6 page ad I wrote for them, which plays on the same theme. It will be in next month's National Geographic Adventure Magazine.

You got to love this ad campaign. It makes me want to buy a bottle of whiskey and be a man. I'm excited to get a client that's willing to walk this line. I enjoy a good balancing act.

So Here It Is (Smoking Kills)

My wife tried to fire me up yesterday by adding a comment on one of my blog entries regarding smoking. She knows that I’m not a fan and was hoping for rant.

“Did you also know that second-hand smoke carries far more carcinogens (cancer causing agents) than mainstream smoke (that which is inhaled by the smoker) and 30% of lung cancers are caused by secondhand smoke? If that doesn't fire you up, you're not the "Lucas Burt" I know and love. ;)”

So here it is:

I can’t stand smoking because it kills people. Yes, people die from drinking alcohol – both directly and indirectly. Yes, people can die from skydiving. Yes, I know people can die from just about anything. But the fact of the matter is that my grandmother died from lung cancer that was directly related to smoking, and she is not alone in that statistical category. I also know that people die from lung cancer that is in no way related to smoking. I don’t care. I’m not talking about there being a chance of getting cancer. I’m talking about there being a high probability of getting cancer.

You can also kill the people around you. Again, I know that drunk people kill others all of the time. But second hand smoke is deadly, and the people who suffer the most are those closest to you, i.e., your family, friends, and pets. So you can smoke around me as long as you don’t mind that I spike your coffee with arsenic every morning.

Smoking reeks. And I’m not talking about letting a fart out in an elevator kind of stink. I’m talking about getting in your clothes, your car, and everyone around you knows that smoke kind of stink. I bought my house over a year ago, and you can still smell the odor of smoke in certain rooms if I keep the door closed for any period of time. It’s ridiculous and still pisses me off when I come home at night.

I hate it when people smoke around me in public. I don’t walk up to strangers and fart in their face. I don’t do it because it’s gross. Now I know that some people wear too much perfume, which can also be unpleasant, but at least they are trying to smell good.

Yes, I know people get addicted and it’s hard to quit. People also get addicted to gambling, alcohol, meth, and heroine. That doesn’t make it any less of a problem. Sometimes you just have to buck up, and do the right thing; no matter how hard it might be.

Finally, I can’t stand the fact that if I go someplace for the evening where people smoke, I have a sore throat and am congestion the next day. This sucks. The bottom line is that smoking not only kills people, it’s also just gross.

Is this enough to your point my dear, or do you want more?

The Debate Continues

Last month a Snickers ad was pulled from the airwaves because it gay rights activists thought it was anti-gay. A quick rundown: Mr. T drove around in his burly van and throw Snickers at guys that were doing un-manly things like speed walking and pilates.

I’ve been in an ongoing discussion with my good friend Eric Strahl about the difference between being gay and not acting like a manly man. In my mind, those are two completely different distinctions. I was also curious about why this ad was the only one that received such negative press when many other ads say the same thing. The only difference is that no one gets hit in the face with Snickers.

Here is another example of an ad touting the idea of being a man. It’s not preaching anti-gay propaganda. It’s merely pointing out the allure of being a man and actually acting like one.

You have to admit that it’s pretty funny. It probably reminds you of your dad. It shows how cool it is to be a man, nothing more, nothing less. But why wasn’t this series of ads pulled?

Okay, so I work in advertising, which might be skewing my views. Regardless, this is still an interesting topic. We talked about it today before I came across this ad while doing some research.

Kanye in the Klink

Kanye West was arrested after an altercation with some cameramen, which resulted in smashed camera equipment at an airport. As much as I can’t stand Kanye West (his attitude, not his music), I hate the paparazzi even more. I know that you have to pay a certain price to be famous, but the paparazzi are ridiculous. I think there ought to be some sort of law that prohibits the amount of photographers at a non-sanctioned event or something to that affect. It’s starting to get dangerous for celebrities and those people around them with all of this swerving in front of cars, jumping on hoods, and sticking cameras in people’s faces all night long.

I’ll let you win this round Kanye.

A Bunch of Hoopla

I came across the word Hoopla in a headline today and it struck me funny. I know the word is in the dictionary, and for those of you who aren’t aware, it means excitement and was originally used amongst coach drivers. It’s just not something I expected to see in the headline of an MSNBC article describing the opening of a European scientific wonder. Of course, they call the scientific wonder an Atom Crasher. And even though that may accurately describe the machine’s purpose, the name doesn’t sound very scientific in nature. It is more reminiscent of a Vaudeville sideshow or an instrument of doom on South Park.

So I guess if you’re talking about Atom Crashers, you might as well use the term Hoopla. After all, it is very exciting. Now I need to get back to work before I start a brouhaha.

Better Together

I was doing some research today regarding forestry techniques, and I came across some information that has been a long time coming. It was a story discussing the need of environmentalist finding middle ground with the timber industry in order to harvest trees from local forests in a healthy manner.

One of the leading “eco-terrorist” of the 90s began reaching out to the lumber industry after fires started ravaging Oregon forests due to overgrowth and excess ladder fuels. It seems like a simple idea, yet, it has taken this long to be talked about. And oddly enough, the article urging lumber production and forest management to be brought back to Oregon was published in an activism magazine.

All I’m saying is that harvesting trees systematically using sustainable practices creates healthy forest. I worked for the forest service for several years and saw the benefits of this every day. The problem is that too many people refuse to find common ground. The fact of the matter is that the only way for the lumber industry and activists to co-exist is by working together. If they don't, they both fail.

Good Band

I just listened to Rogue Wave while researching them so I could write a radio spot at work. They’ve got a good vibe if you’re into the indie scene. Check them out.

http://www.myspace.com/roguewave

Symmetry is Better

I cannot stand asymmetrical haircuts. Yes, amongst stylist they may be all the rage, but their allure is beyond me. Studies have shown that symmetry is far more appealing when it comes to personal appearances, and I agree. It annoys me to no end when a woman cuts her bangs in a short jagged slant running across her forehead, or when the right side of her hair is a bob and the left is shoulder length. Seriously, why is this cool?

(I can understand a sweeping bang, but the short, choppy, slanted thing is too much)

It’s like all of the clothing designers on Project Runway that look like they got dressed using throw-aways from Goodwill. If you’re a designer, you should look good. All of the well-known designers that I’m aware of dress the part. Why do unknowns feel the need the go against the grain?

I know, I know; obviously people have their own preference and tastes. But it seems like nowadays people think it’s cool to be different just because it’s different. Unfortunately, different isn’t always better, unique isn’t always cool. That’s why all of the hard core fads die quickly and everyone that jumped on the band wagon are embarrassed when they look at their own pictures five years later.

If you’re going to take a stand on being different, at least make sure it’s actually better.

4 Years - Holy Crap!

Today is my wife and I’s fourth wedding anniversary. It’s been a good four years…well, most of it anyway. And even though we planned on having an evening out tonight, we both managed to forget that today was actually our anniversary. That’s right ladies, my wife forgot too. It wasn’t until one of my friends sent us a congratulatory text message that we both remembered to call each other. How about that.

Oddly enough, we already exchanged presents last weekend. Yes, we’re weak and horrible at keeping surprises. But because I know better than to fall into that trap, I will have flowers waiting for her by the time she gets home.

Even though we’ve been together for seven years, we’ll only get to officially count four of them. So congratulations to us, Malinda. We’ve put up with each other’s antics for yet another year. And since you’re pregnant, you’ll have to watch me drink a celebratory bottle of wine by myself tonight. Luckily for you, that also comes with the privilege of turning down my drunken advances. We sure know how to make it special.

I love ya, babe.

My Musical Suggestions for Eric:

Low vs Diamond are similar to the Killers, U2, with a touch of the shins. I didn’t listen to a ton of their stuff, but they seemed to have a good vibe.

Missy Higgins is an Australian singer that has a low key feel but good.
Dead Confederate brings more rock to the table.

30H!3 gets dance floor electronica on your ass. Some of it’s good. Some of it is really bad. Have fun digging through it.

Ra Ra Riot is a band full of smart people.

As a side note: I do not lay claim to finding any of these bands. I don’t have my finger on the pulse of the music industry. I just take a listen when someone suggests it. In fact, you've all probably already heard all of these bands, and I just wasted five minutes of your life. Sorry...suckers.

Buckling Down

I gave my word to Eric and Amber that I would run a 6-mile race with them in two and a half weeks, so I finally started to take this thing seriously. I’ve ran six times in the last two weeks, which is the most I’ve pounded the pavement in five years. My 3-mile time is starting to get more consistent, but I still haven’t attempted running the full six yet. I originally thought I could just stretch a little bit, run the race, and be amazing, but I now realize that I may have over estimated my abilities. Even though I’m averaging slightly under 8-minute miles, I haven’t tested that pace for more than three miles.

My first real hurdle will be this weekend. I’m going to try for a 6-mile run on Sunday. If all goes well, I will remain optimistic. If I can’t make it, then I only have one week to figure it out. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to being a little nervous. Luckily I’m stubborn, and hopefully that can equate to some amount of success. Regardless, this whole running thing has made me feel older than I thought it would.

On Hold

My job has definitely been more involved of late, which means that I’m putting my book on hold. It kind of sucks because I was pretty excited about exploiting my personal mishaps for monetary gain, however, this does mean that I’m actually working again. My job as a copywriter for Frank Creative has definitely taken up more of my time, but I’m growing as a writer and that will benefit my book when I can find the time to sit down and continue it. Seth, I will still try to edit a couple of my completed chapters and send them your way.

The King Has Died

Regardless of whether or not you’re a movie buff, you probably recognize the voice of Don LaFontaine. He was not only the king of the movie trailer voice over (in a world where..), but he also lent his vocal talents to over 300,000 radio and TV commercials. His voice was so popular that he even started spoofing himself in Geico ads and TV shows. Unfortunately he died today. He was 68-years-old.

Hooray for football season. It's a good time of year.

Sometimes life isn’t fair. Some questions cannot be answered. Some things you will never understand unless you go through it yourself. Today I will say a prayer for my good friend and his wife.

No Compassion

I have absolutely no compassion for the woman who was found guilty of killing her daughter by burning her in a microwave; especially having a child of my own. She was charged with putting her baby in the microwave after having an argument with her boyfriend regarding the identity of the child’s father. Throw out all excuses. This woman deserves no leniency. I usually try not to judge, but this sickens me to my core. In fact, I regret reading the article. I’m having a hard time not being utterly pissed off right now. So there that is.

The National’s appeal is foreign to me

In my good friend Eric’s eternal quest to broaden my musical horizons, he emailed me a song called All the Wine by “The National.” This is his second attempt turn me onto this particular band, and as much as I want to like them, I just can’t get past the lead vocals. The lyrics are good, the music is engaging, but the lead singer’s voice is exhaustingly boring. The songs lack depth because he has no vocal range. The song’s natural progression begs for the singer to fluctuate and build with the music, but he remains stagnant throughout. And I’m not talking about adding any of that R&B ridiculousness; I would just like to see minimal changes in tone.

Despite “The National’s” potential, every song Eric sends my way seems to fall flat. Sorry Eric. This one’s a miss. Regardless, I’m still open to your musical suggestions.

Isn’t It Ironic?

The author of “100 Things to Do Before You Die” died on August 17th after falling and hitting his head at his home in Venice. He was 47-years-old. Despite it being sad that anyone’s life is cut short, it is ridiculously ironic that he died at a young age.

I’ve always wondered if people are predestined to accomplish a certain number of things on this earth, and when their tasks are complete, their time is up. To error on the side of caution, I chose to ‘not do 100 crazy things’, so that I can hopefully prolong my life. Some people call it lazy. I call it prudent. And while my life might be a little on the boring side, at least it will be on the boring side for years to come. Knock on wood. No seriously, knock on some wood for me. I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.

Madonna

Madonna kicked off her new tour in Wales, wowing a crowd of 40,000. And after all of these years, I still don’t care. On a related note, Kid Rock’s new album is still outselling both Madonna’s and Mariah Carey’s. That’s funny. You’ve got to love the Rock N Roll Jesus. I’ll pound a 40 for that one.

The New Hollywood Craze

The last couple of years in Hollywood were devoted to celebrities having babies, adopting kids, or both. This year’s craze; car crashes. It seems like anybody who’s anybody in Hollywood is totaling a vehicle. Morgan Freeman, Shia Lebeouf, the Beckhams; all have been involved in some sort of wreck in the past month. And these aren’t your run of the mill Britney being mobbed by paparazzi fender benders. They came complete with torqued metal, broken bones, and hospital visits. Hopefully tinsel town knows about Allstate’s accident forgives plan. Perhaps next year’s Hollywood fad should be driving lessons.

Sophia at 16-months. Yeah, she's pretty cute.

Sophia and Harper are already best buds.

I'm still pretty proud of building that dog house out of scrap wood.

It’s Friday!

That’s right, it’s Friday - exclamation point. Today has a lot of potential. I’ll have to wait and see how it pans out, but good things might be coming down the pipeline. We’re supposed to sign our mortgage refinancing papers, I might get paid the money that’s owed to me from my last job, and I’m drafting my fantasy football team tonight. Not to mention I have the weekend off. So let’s raise our collective glasses to high expectations and hope we don’t get let down.

Random Thought

There are two types of people in this world. Those who use the word “douche bag” when describing a moron or idiot, and those who don’t. Nothing against the people who don’t appreciate the pure joy of calling someone a douche bag, you just operate on a different wave length. Perhaps you’re more mature or sophisticated, or maybe you’ve actually used a douche bag and are slightly grossed out by the whole thing. Valid as your points may be, there are worse names that get thrown around.

Really?

The Bigfoot debacle turned out to be a hoax?! Wow, I didn’t see that one coming. Ironically, it turned out to be an even bigger, more elaborate hoax than I had anticipated.

It’s Official

Malinda and I are going to have a baby boy in January. We’re pretty excited about it to. Well, I am at least. Malinda is a little worried about having to deal with a miniature version of me. I can’t really blame her. I’m even a little much for me to handle sometimes. Not to mention the baby is already smacking her around from the inside. Hey, you have to get your punches in when they least expect it. That’s lesson number one.

Robert Redford

Robert Redford turned 72-years-old today. Holy Crap! When did that happen? I knew he was getting older, but 72. That’s almost great grandparent age.

It creeps me out a little when I see the stars we grew up on getting up there in years. What’s even worse is when the next hot actor is almost ten years my junior.

Wii Related

I’m suffering from a Wii related injury today. After several high intensity bowling matches, I’ve found myself with a ridiculously sore right shoulder. And it’s not ‘I lifted weights for the first time in weeks’ sore. It’s ‘I just got hit with a ball peen hammer’ sore. I have a knot the size of a golf ball reeking havoc just under my trapezoids.

So how does this make me feel? Old, out of shape, and slightly worthless are the first words that come to mind. I’ve jumped out of moving vehicles, skied off of 20-foot cliffs, and mastered flips into the water from 35+-feet. Yet, Nintendo’s new game console got the better of me. Hmmm. Perhaps I should have stretched.

What’s next? Am I going to strain an abdominal while taking a deuce, or perhaps I’ll pull a hammy while changing the batteries in the smoke detector? At least when I broke my pinky two weeks ago, I was participating in an actual sport.

Bigfoot Mania

Bigfoot hasn’t been this popular since the aptly named Ford Monster Truck ruled the circuit and Harry and the Hendersons hit the big screen. During the last two decades, the man beast has been able to lay low and escape the redneck paparazzi. But just like Britney can’t resist showing the world her coochie, Bigfoot couldn’t keep quiet forever.

Two men claim to have stumbled across a Bigfoot corpse in Georgia and now have it stuffed in a freezer. Let the frenzy begin.

I for one am a little skeptical of the discovery. If Hollywood can convince me that aliens can blow up the white house and that Keanu Reeves can act, a photograph on the web doesn’t cause me to stand to attention. It’s an interesting thought and a potentially ground breaking discovery, but I’m going to need a little more evidence before I start redesigning the evolutionary chart.

Now if you will excuse, I have to tell the genie that came out of this weird lamp that I found my third wish.

Yes, it still hurts.

The more my pinky tries to heal, the more I think I might have broken it. It didn’t help that I went golfing four days after I hurt it. The whole interlocking finger thing, not so fun. Not only do I feel radiating pain as I type at work, but it’s really hampering my Wii playing. How am I supposed to become a Wii champion if I have to play injured all the time? I guess I’ll have to take some inspiration from the Olympics, dig deep and persevere.

I had too much work to do today.

Taking a Step Back - Am I a Flip-Flopper?

Alright, alright, I know that I was waving my freedom of speech flag proudly earlier this week, but I’m waving it a little lower today. A picture surfaced depicting the Spanish basketball team posing for a photo prior to the Olympics. All of the players appear to be using their fingers to slant their eyes. Ouch. This one was destined to piss people off. Even worse, the picture was taken to appear in a local advertisement.

In the Snickers ad I talked about earlier in the week, I couldn’t find enough cause for people to misinterpret the humor. In this incident surrounding the Spanish basketball team, I can’t find a reason the ad would be funny. Perhaps I’ve merely found myself on the other side of the fence, which I’m more than willing to admit. In comparison, I saw the Snickers ad as saying “be a man,” not “don’t be gay.” The Spanish team picture says “we’re going to China where everyone has slanted eyes.” I’m looking for another alternative to the joke but am hard pressed to find it.

I would like some feed back from the gallery, so I can see if this picture could raise a chuckle outside of frat house.

Thanks China.

I would like to thank China for making Americans look like they’re not that bad after all. In the Olympic opening ceremony a young girl sang Ode to the Motherland for the world to hear. Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t good looking enough to actually be seen. The Chinese organizers decided to have a better looking girl lip-sync to the 7-year-old as the Chinese flag entered the arena.

In America, even though we warp young girl’s minds on a daily basis with supermodel ads and commercials, we at least let the ugly ones sing if they wish (that sounds harsh – it’s supposed to be funny). We’ve proved our ability to care about the inept by making America’s Got Talent the number one show of the summer.

So thanks China for making us look better. Thank you America for giving the ugly and talentless a stage to perform on. And let’s also give thanks to the Internet for giving me a platform to bash on everyone else, so I can feel better about my pathetic life. Applause all around.

A response to Amber's question about phobias.

As a child it’s easy to think you’re invincible. Your body is growing at an amazing rate, your bone’s seem to be more cartilage than calcium, and every joint can be torqued into circus-like freak show positions. All of this can happen without leaving a mark. It’s like being your very own Stretch Armstrong doll on a daily basis. But as you get older you start to realize that the magical world in which you live can also bite back. That’s when you start developing a sense of fear.

Babies aren’t scared because they haven’t felt the consequences. Toddlers aren't afraid because they don’t know the truth. Teenagers leap before they look because they’re still just too stupid. I’m mean really, we’ve all been there. We should have known better. In fact, we probably did know better. We just figured we could overcome it. But the older you get, the more you know, and with knowledge comes fear.

Cancer, aneurisms, malpractices, and just plain bad luck can strike at any moment. Hell, even spontaneous combustion becomes an immanent possibility by the time you reach 25 years of age. Knowledge is the catalyst for our phobias. You realize that mom and dad can’t protect you anymore, bad things happen to good people, and sometimes life just goes south for the winter. There’s no magic wand or fairy dust that can put you back together again, Humpty Dumpty didn’t just fall off the wall, he actually became a vegetable omelet. And when it’s over, it’s over. But remembering the moment of this realization is a different story. For some, knowledge came gradually. For others, it came all at once.

For me, it's been a combination of concussions, family deaths, and my wife entering into oncology; those stories are depressing. Oh well. That's the spice of life. One day you're here, and the next day your not.

Mr. T. Feels Bad

Mr. T. said that he didn’t want to offend anyone with his recent Snickers ads. He reiterated that they weren’t meant to be malicious by any means. He understands Snickers position on pulling the TV and radio spots and hopes the public realizes they were only meant to be funny.

Afterwards I tracked him down and threw some Snickers at his face for being a wuss and expressing his feelings. Real men don’t have feelings Mr. T. Get some nuts!

This is Fun!

Like I mentioned before, I’m keeping modest tabs on the Olympics this year, but the men’s 400-meter freestyle relay got me off the couch and chanting U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A. Not only did we get to witness a miraculous finish, but the French added fuel to the fire by talking smack all week long. They put on the daddy pants, but forgot the belt. Now they’re left standing on the podium in second place and exposed. And my modest tabs became full-fledged hype.

If you haven’t had the opportunity to watch the event, do so. It’s a lot of fun even if you know the outcome. And if you still don’t care about the Olympics afterwards, then pack up and move to Canada because we don’t need ya. This is what the Olympics are all about. Go U.S.A!

400-Meter Freestyle Relay

Go U.S.A.

The Olympics have officially started, but I’m hard pressed in finding someone who cares. I plan on keeping tabs, but I’m amazed at how many people disregard the competition all together.

Get Some Nuts

The new Snickers campaign pits Mr. T against numerous Nancy-boy types. He’s armed with Snickers bars and the slogan “Get Some Nuts.” Basically it all boils down to acting like a man. Don’t speed-walk in short shorts, don’t do yoga, don’t cry at movies, and all of that jazz. Of course, the gay rights activists have started a feeding frenzy. To this I say “give it a rest.”

Yes, I know you have a plight. There are people out there that don’t agree with the lifestyle or its moral implications. Those are real issues. These ads aren’t. The bottom line is that there are many straight men that do all of these things to. The ad isn’t saying “don’t be gay.” It is saying “act like a man.” It’s playing off the stereotypes of how men used to act. It’s doing the same thing the Old Spice commercials do.

I don’t like the direction political correctness censorship is heading. There’s a reason a lot of stand up comics use this type of material in their jokes; it’s funny. It’s not malicious. It’s not vindictive. It’s humor. I’m a man’s man from Montana, but I’m also a little metrosexual. Should I be pissed off to? No one is defined by one thing, and we should be allowed to poke fun at our differences.

The end of the world…in reverse.

I don’t know if anybody has noticed, but gas has slowly dropped back down to under $4 a gallon. That’s right, every station I pass lists regular unleaded at $3.97 or lower. Where’s the hoopla now? Everyone freaked out when it broke the elusive $4 a gallon barrier on its way up, but not a peep was made when it came back down. I’m not saying that the world’s problems are solved, but at least the prices are heading in the right direction.

My Left (normal) Pinky

My Right (jammed) Pinky

Bottom of the Ninth

As it turns out, I’m both as cool as I thought and not as cool as I thought. This weekend I participated in a friendly home run derby amongst friends. I took it upon myself to urge everyone to sacrifice their bodies by diving for catches and leaving it all out on the field. When I realized that no one was going to dare to be amazing, I took the bull by the horns and laid out to make a catch. My superman impression paid off as I caught the ball in shallow center field. The impact, however, was more intense than expected.

My initial sliding form was good. I kept my left arm extended as I glided across the grass on my chest. Then my right hand hung up, rolling me over. At first I thought I was fine, but it wasn’t long until a throbbing pain started radiating through my right pinky. I don’t think it’s broken, but it’s easily the worst jammed finger I’ve ever experienced. My pinky is twice the size of its left hand counterpart. The skin is so tight that it’s grotesquely bulging at every knuckle.

Kudos me, for making a miraculous catch. Stupid me, for thinking I still have the skills to pull it off without injury.

Parody?

Exxon Mobile posted second quarter profits of almost 12 billion dollars while General Motors losses widened to over 15 billion dollars. That’s a big swing…

Best 2 out of 3

There’s going to be a Rock, Scissors, Paper contest held in Portland tonight. I’m sure it will have a novelty appeal for an hour or so. Not to mention you can win Miller Lite Gear! Holy crap, bags and shirts with the Miller Lite logo pasted on it. My mom would be so proud.

Talent?

Why do people like America’s Got Talent? I’ve tried to watch this show on several occasions to no avail. I find most of the acts boring, the judges listless, and the story lines trite. I was inspired by two 30-second promo spots and was immediately let down by their lame episode counterparts. I just can’t quite figure out why it holds the top ratings week in and week out. If American Idol is a glorified Karaoke contest, then America’s Got Talent is nothing more than a puffed up summer camp talent show. Both of which, are very forgettable.

Breaking News?

I know this is an every other week rant, but what the hell is up with Yahoo News? I have to go to the Yahoo page in order to view my fantasy sports teams. While I’m there, I scan the headlines. Granted, I don’t expect much, which is why being let down is that much more depressing. Headline for today…Again! Simple, unexpected ways to help you save gas.

What do they do, link to the same article every day and just give it a different title? Yes, we get it. Drive slower, less erratically, and properly inflate your tires. Or simply drive less. Done. I didn’t need an article to tell me that. And why? Because I read the same article last month, last week, and yesterday. I was also lucky enough to hear it on the radio last month, last week, and yesterday. And did I mention I watched it on the local news last month, last week, and yesterday!

The funniest thing is that they still report it to us like it’s actually news. Here’s the actual news. If you don’t already know how to increase your gas mileage, find a mirror and look into it. What you’re seeing is a complete moron. Now raise your right hand and try to slap the stupid out of you. It probably won’t work, so try again just for the hell of it.

From a NY Times article titled:
10 Things to scratch from your worry list.
By JOHN TIERNEY

6. Toxic plastic bottles. For years panels of experts repeatedly approved the use of bisphenol-a, or BPA, which is used in polycarbonate bottles and many other plastic products. Yes, it could be harmful if given in huge doses to rodents, but so can the natural chemicals in countless foods we eat every day. Dose makes the poison.

But this year, after a campaign by a few researchers and activists, one federal panel expressed some concern about BPA in baby bottles. Panic ensued. Even though there was zero evidence of harm to humans, Wal-Mart pulled BPA-containing products from its shelves, and politicians began talking about BPA bans. Some experts fear product recalls that could make this the most expensive health scare in history.

Nalgene has already announced that it will take BPA out of its wonderfully sturdy water bottles. Given the publicity, the company probably had no choice. But my old blue-capped Nalgene bottle, the one with BPA that survived glaciers, jungles and deserts, is still sitting right next to me, filled with drinking water. If they ever try recalling it, they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers.

Brooke Hogan gives thinking another shot.

Brooke Hogan lashed out at the press for writing inaccurate information about her. In her blog, she calls them ‘Jerks.’ The press responded immediately saying that she was an ‘ugly, stupid face.’ I don't think she should be reacting simply on emotions like Hillary Clinton. It might dissuade female voters from voting for a woman...Ohhh, that's a jab at her intelligence.

Chris Rock is…Not the Father

After litigations and DNA testing Chris Rock was found to ‘not be the father’ of Kali Bowyer’s child even though she still insists that they had an affair and a subsequent baby. Unfortunately for her diluted mind, DNA doesn’t lie. Unless of course, Rock is a Chimera. That would change everything. It's also highly unlikely. I saw it on a CSI episode once.

Bowyer is trying to sell a book about the ordeal, which is probably why she is pushing so hard for the media attention. I would like to take a moment right now to urge a boycott of her book. Ahh, that was a good moment. I didn't realize that I was such an activist. It’s hard enough for some mothers to get restitution from lame dads without gold diggers muddying the waters of public opinion.

You lied, Bowyer. You wanted a hand out and some attention and it didn’t work. I’m not even saying that Rock didn’t sleep with you. But I am saying that, at the very least, he’s not the father, so let it go.

Winehouse Hospitalized! No Way!

Amy Winehouse was hospitalized again last night for “a reaction to medication.” Does she even sing anymore? Oh wait, she did release that racist YouTube jingle a little while ago. Drunken rants are music too, right?

This is just another tragic example of good talent wasted on a worthless person. The worse part is how many musicians are out there that would kill for an opportunity to record an album and have it marketed on an international level. Unfortunately Winehouse would rather use this opportunity to slowly kill herself. It’s only a figure of speech Amy. Take the needle out of your arm and back away from the booze.

The Worst, Ever!

Having recently seen “The Happening” at my local McMenamen’s Movie Theater and Pub, I’ve come to the conclusion that (A) movie theaters inside of bars are the coolest thing ever. Not only can you drink there, but it’s encouraged. And let’s not forget a movie is only $3; and (B) M. Night Shyamalan is the worst director of the last decade.

What makes it worse is that he had two lucky goes at movie making with “The Sixth Sense” and “Unbreakable” but everything else he’s touched since, has sucked. Shyamalong-a-dingdong hasn’t directed a movie worth watching for years, and “The Happening” is no different.

The actors gave shallow performances; there’s more depth in my daughter’s kiddy pool. And the script took an interesting idea and turned it into a SciFi made for TV crap-fest. At one point, I actually recited two minutes of dialogue before the words came out of the actor’s mouths; that’s how predictable the script was. And Mark Wahlberg hasn’t given a performance that amateurish since “The Big Hit.” Oddly enough, Wahlberg is quoted saying that the choices Shyamalan was having him make went against an actor’s natural tendencies. Well done, M. Night. Way to prove that a bad director can overshadow capable actors.

I vow to never again subject myself to another one of Shyamalong-a-dingdong’s movies; if you can actually call them that. I’m actually pissed that with the money he wasted making “Lady in the Water” and this recent yawner, some other movie didn’t get funded. If I ever see M. Night in person I’m going to kick him in the balls and say “It doesn’t feel so good, does it?” because that’s how I felt last night.

By the way. "The Dark Knight" was pretty kick-ass; great performance my Ledger, awesome action, and a fun ride. The script was a little plot heavy, Batman's voice is still too grizzled, but I enjoyed it despite the hype-trap.

Stampede of Olympic Proportions

Thousands of fans swarmed the Olympic Stadium in Beijing in an effort to purchase the last remaining batch of tickets on Friday. Metal barricades were mangled and people pushed to the ground as the out-of-control fans rushed the ticket sales window.

The crowd was subdued when they finally realized they were in line to purchase tickets to the upcoming Olympics. Most had thought they were waiting in line to buy tickets to the Miley Cyrus concert tour. In a related story, Hannah Montana is really popular. Damn your popularity Miley!

Good For You, Girls!

A new study shows that girls are finally as smart as boys when it comes to math. In a related story, homosexuals have overtaken women in fashion sensibility and lesbians continue to dominate softball but have ambitions to take over baseball in the near future. Men have become suitable housewives, and no matter how hard they try, midgets are yet to break into the NBA. I’d say it’s been a pretty crazy week in biased research.

But seriously, the study about math is true. At least we think so. As it turns out, the researchers were a bunch of women, and it’s hard to tell if the quantitative data was added correctly. The numbers are currently being rechecked for accuracy by a bunch of male chimps at the San Diego Zoo.

Warning, Sting Ahead

I’m not anti-cyclists by any means. In fact, I wish that I lived closer to work, so I could save a little gas money as well. What I am against is all of the bitching the cyclists have been doing of late. Yes, it sucks that bikers are getting hit by vehicles on a monthly basis, but whose fault is it? I’ve had my fair share of near misses as cyclists blow through stop signs and red lights.

It’s a lot easier to observe the road on a bike, which is why they feel comfortable breaking traffic laws. I do the same thing when I ride, but that doesn’t make it right. The fact of the matter is that by law, bikes are considered vehicles and have to obey all of the traffic laws.

Recently, Portland police conducted a sting operation that targeted bikers who committed violations. Fifty-three cyclists were pulled over Wednesday morning alone. Most were just given a warning instead of a $200+ ticket. And as much as it pissed off a lot of people, hopefully it raised a little bit of awareness as well.

Thank You Weatherman

I find it slightly hilarious that weathermen feel the need to stand in the eye of a storm to report the status of approaching hurricanes. I was reminded about this oddity this morning as I watched a national weatherman stand in whipping winds and pelting rain to let us know that whipping winds and pelting rain are targeting Texas. Interestingly enough, he could have just told me about the weather, and I would have gotten the idea. If he really wanted to impress me, he could have shown me some footage from a traffic camera. But nope, weather men feel the need to prove their worth to world. They have to measure up to investigative journalists who go to great lengths to get the story. They need to compare to the reporters imbedded with troops in Iraq, or that one host who was stabbed on the show “Cheaters.”

Did you see the footage of Al Roker getting blown over by hurricane winds a couple of years ago? Yes, even Mr. Roker feels the pressure. Regardless of how hard they try, they are still weathermen. They explain too much, are right too little, and typically aren’t that funny. But fight on Mr. Weatherman. Prove your worth to me and the world. Dodge windblown debris. Trudge through feet of water, and show me that rain.

Will it ever be the same? Probably.

At the Movies with Ebert and Roeper will be handing over its reigns to new blood come next year. Despite the fact that Ebert hasn’t been part of the show for some time now, it is still a bit of nostalgic blow to movie enthusiasts. I have to admit that since Roeper has been discussing the movies with a myriad of special guests, it is hard to get a consistent handle of who you should believe. But I still enjoy his “I’m better than you” banter he has with his guests each week. Unfortunately their replacement, Lyons and Mankiewicz, doesn’t have the same ring to it. Mankiewicz, really? It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

The worst part is that I never realized they were hiring. I would have totally submitted my resume. Oh well.

Furry Fiends

There’s a conspiracy against me. All the animals in the world have banned together to make sure I never get a good night’s sleep. Our new dog is great, but a nocturnal S.O.B. Every morning at 5 a.m. there’s a smack down between him and one of the cats.

Hssssss, Smack, Bark! And I’m awake.

Before the new dog, it was just the cats. One of them would find a way to wake me from my restless slumber before the sun came up. Whether it be from jumping on and off the bed repeatedly, vigorously cleaning themselves next to my ears, or meowing at the door, I never quiet figured out how to silence them for a full night.

And I don’t even want to get into the rooster that briefly found refuge next door.

Jumping in head first:

I forgot what it was like to have work to do at work. It’s kind of exciting. My first day on the new job and I have already been given a plate full of projects to catch up on and move forward with. I guess there will be no dipping my toes into the waters to see how cold they are. Nope, head first is the only way to go.

Accidental Taxidermy

I received a letter from my mom shortly after moving back to Portland, Ore. from New York City. The letter was typical of her, meaning it wasn’t really a letter, but more of a note.

“Thinking of you. Hope all is well. Love Mom,” was scribbled at the bottom of piece of notebook paper.

Enclosed in the envelope was a claw taken from a grizzly bear. It wasn’t purchased from a souvenir shop dangling from a sterling silver chain. It wasn’t glued to a plaque with a witty saying inscribed below. It was an actual claw removed from the paw of an actual grizzly bear…and I thought nothing of it.

Coming Up!

Why do we have to sit through two minutes of “coming up after the break” during every segment of a reality TV show? To make matters worse, we have to sit through another two minutes of “what happened before the break” when the show resumes. I know it’s reality TV, which means it’s typically light on story, heavy on filler, but don’t tell me what you’re going to show me right after the commercial. It’s a waste of time. I’m not going to stayed glued to the TV waiting to see if what they just said is going to happen will actually happen. If anything, it makes me want to change the channel even more. If you don’t have enough storyline to fill each segment then hire better writers.

Coming up tomorrow, Lucas will writer another blog. Stay tuned!

Knock, Knock. Who's There?

It’s been quite awhile since someone has made the inaccurate assumption that I still live with mommy and daddy. It’s not that it offends me; I just get a little confused on how I appear to other people. At the ripe old age of 27, I have seen me appearance change a lot since high school. I’m married with a kid and another one on the way. I wear a wedding ring and consistently change the look of my facial hair, but I guess I still look prepubescent to the general public.

Last night I was watching a TV show when my doorbell rang. I didn’t want to answer it but figured that it would be rude to let the poor guy stand in the dark for much longer, so I opened the door. The guy was selling alternative energy for the power company, which I probably would have been interested in until he actually spoke.

“Hi,” he looked around sheepishly, “Are your mom or dad home?”

Those are the words; strike one, two, and three. Enter awkwardness. You see, I don’t really care how young I look. In fact, I take advantage of it more times than not. But I had a long day and was tired, so for this door-to-door salesman, it was the nail in his coffin.

“No, my mom and dad aren’t home because I am the owner of this house. What can I do for you sir.”

My tone wasn’t mean, but my point was heard. He tried to stutter his way through a short sales pitch, but his embracement ruled the conversation. I let him talk for a minute but eventually ushered him along, taking a pamphlet for his constellation prize. I’m sure a 12-year-old can answer the next door he knocks on, and he’ll probably start the conversation with “are you the owner of this house.”

The Bat Man.

I don’t claim to be a nerd, but I am super geeked up about the new Batman. Okay, maybe I am a nerd.

Hooray for me!

I got a new job at another creative firm today. Sweet! Maybe this time I'll actually get paid for my time worked. You mean employees have rights? Holy crap, go figure.

A World of Shame

A 10-year-old Yemen girl reports to CNN that at her young age she has already been married, divorced, and raped. I understand that different cultures have different customs, but 10-years-old! That’s what, someone in fourth or fifth grade. The plain and simple truth is that is sick and wrong. Most 10-year-old girls haven’t even gone through puberty, not that that would make it okay.

Of course, she was raped. Even if she had consented to the sex, or even if her parents consented to it, I would still consider it rape. She’s effing 10-years-old for crying out loud. There is absolutely nothing anyone could ever tell me that would make this sort of thing okay.
What makes it worse is that the guy is in his 30s. I’m only 27-years-old, and I have a hard time talking with girls in their late teens, not hitting on or flirting with, simply talking to. They young and have no clue about the world.

And now the parents of the little girl are mad because they say that the man lied to them. He promised not to touch her until she was 20. Sorry mom and dad, but if you’re going to allow your daughter to get married and leave home at 10-years-old, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Liquid Gold

Imagine that, as soon as the U.S. lifted the ban on off shore oil drilling the cost per barrel decreased for two straight days. The drop of over $11 a barrel will hopefully be the start of more price slashing, but we’ll have to wait and see.

I have questions.

I’m looking for a good literary agent or publisher to have an informational interview with. If anyone out there knows someone that fits this bill, let me know.

I'm on top of the world ma!

Okay, so maybe I'm not on top of the world, but I am climbing the mountain. I'm two chapters into my book, which will be a collection of essays in the same vein as David Sedaris. No, I am not comparing my talent to that of Mr. Sedaris’. But I am saying that I’ll be writing a series of short stories that hopefully will inspire some, cause others to laugh, and at the very least, make you feel a little better about yourself.

Despite failing on many professional levels, I have realized that some good can come from my large collection of shortcomings. Will I ever get published? Probably not. Does it give me something to look forward to? Absolutely, and sometimes that means more than the actual outcome.

Rooster Update!

My neighbor’s rooster is gone. I fear it lost its final cock fight.

Handle Your Pan Somewhere Else

A recent article in the Oregonian stated that the Beaverton police are becoming increasingly strict on panhandlers despite the fact that Beaverton has no law that prohibits the act. Instead, cops are issuing citations for littering, disorderly conduct, and other nuisance violations.

My problem with the homeless community I’ve come into contact with in Portland is that most of them are young, able-bodied individuals. The ones that try to use my restroom at work have to history of mental illness and no physical disadvantages. They simply don’t want to work. Newsflash! Nobody actually wants to work. We do it because we have to.

It angers me even more to find out that these people can’t seem to find the means to get a job, but they are organized enough to get a public defender on their side in order to sue the city. Lawsuits have been filed by panhandlers and settled in 2003 and 2004 for thousands of dollars. I’m glad they have the fortitude to be proactive when it’s convenient for them, rather than when it’s just part of life.

My wife’s grandfather worked as a social worker in Louisville, KY for many years. He recounts when they did a study of their local panhandlers. Instead of simply handing them money for being intrusive, they offered them a wage and a day’s worth of work. Every single one turned it down saying that they would make more money begging for it.

The problem with panhandling is that people continue to donate their change, thus perpetuating the lack of actual change in someone’s life. If those concerned about the wellbeing of the homeless donated to sanctioned charities instead of giving their dollars to beggars, the problem would resolve itself. A stray cat won’t show up on your doorstep every night if you don’t offer it food.

I don’t want to dissuade people from giving. I’m all about charities and helping people in need. But I think that donated dollars can go a lot further to solving the problem when they’re given through the right channels. As cheesy as it sounds, if you give a man a fish, you fee him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed for his life. If the man refuses to fish and doesn’t want to learn, then screw him. Fishing is a part of life.

Have It Your Way

It was Sophia's first time at a McDonald's Playland. We weren't sure if she would be able to enjoy herself, but she jumped right in and didn't want to stop.

Cute, but a pain in the butt...

Puppies are cute, but they are a pain in the butt to train.

The dog pees, I clean, and then Sophia tries to lick the soapy parts. It's a little exhausting.

Steps to being a good writer:

I took two more steps to becoming a better writer today. First, I ordered a couple of books that are supposed to breakdown theory in a clear and concise manner. Second, I bought a 12-pack of beer for when the first step doesn’t work.

Oddly enough, both of these ideas were recommended to me by writers. Hey, I’ll take any excuse I can to start Miller time a little earlier on a Monday afternoon.

Let's Get Creative

I can honestly say that it is nice to be given a menial compliment in order to soften the blow of criticism. I’ll be the first one to admit that the tone of my writing has substance while its technical aptitude falls a little short, but it’s still never fun to have that fact pointed out by an industry veteran.

Luckily, I went into my recent informational interview with the creative director/copywriter of Frank Creative with the sole purpose of gaining knowledge. And while none of his shots delivered a knock out blow, I don’t believe he pulled many punches either. All in all, it was a great learning experience. He shed some light on the different ways I can view my strengths and weaknesses, and handed me a tiny speck of hope encased in despair.

Number one lesson: Don’t listen to other people’s advice; especially when they don’t know what they’re talking about.

Number two lesson: Beg. Beg for work. Beg for experience, and beg for knowledge.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to put yourself into a position of begging and working for free when you have a family you’re trying to help support. Nonetheless, the option is always there. Now, it comes down to priorities and what I can bring myself to sacrifice along the way. That’s a question I can’t answer now. I guess I’ll have to learn that lesson along the way.

If the Today Show and Yahoo had babies... They'd be twins!

I’m sick and tired of Yahoo.com linking to “professional” blogs and trying to pass it off as news. It’s like the Today Show has taken over the net. It is the same stupid story every other hour, every other day. I’m sorry, but if you need someone telling how to dress for the summer twice a week starting in April, you might as well stay home and not go out into the world. And as far as Yahoo is concerned, how many articles do we need to read that describe how to know if a guy is really into you? Furthermore, if you’re a chick, how many articles do you need to read in order to know that the guy you are dating is a loser?

Hint; if he doesn’t open the door, offer to pay, or look you in the eye, he’s a douche bag. And if he doesn’t try to at least kiss you (especially if he doesn’t try to kiss you on the forehead), then he doesn’t like you. It’s not rocket science. In fact, it’s not even science. It’s common sense.

Hire some real journalist or sell your damn website to Microsoft, so we can at least read some “actual” news. P. (effing) S., I don’t need your “Six Sauvé Dating Behaviors to Show You’re Interested.” When did Internet users become so helpless that they don’t even know how to talk to people? Ask someone out, buy them a drink, give them a kiss, tell them that you like them, and then shut the hell up; not that hard!

I know we live in the world of 24-hour news, but if you can’t come up with anything better, let the rest of the world read a book or spend time with their family.

I'm Not Kidding. It's an actual Rooster!

Seriously, it's annoying. Beyond that, I will write more when I don't have to focus on getting a new job. I swear, I'm the small business anti-chirst. I've been laid off twice, had one company sued by Warner Brothers, and the last one kept bouncing pay checks. Those aren't good odds by any standards.

I promise to keep my wit and sarcasm about me. I'll see you on the other side.

A Rooster! Seriously!

I tried desperately to like my neighbors. They’re a nice Mexican couple with a cute kid, but today I officially decided that I’m sick and tired of their antics. I understand it’s polite to help out a friend every once and awhile, but do you really have to have two house loads of furniture cluttering up your back yard. Four beds, dressers, boxes of clothes, and beat up armoires resemble a modern art project of the leaning tower of Pisa. However, I don’t think it will ever make its way to your local MoMa.

I even think I could get past the all of the junk if I didn’t have to listen to the owners of the junk playing loud mariachi music every night and having a good old laugh about who knows what. And nothing says “this is a good neighborhood” more than three beat up vans piled into their driveway (none of which can start on the first, second, or even third try) with two cars making sure that even the nimblest of pedestrians can get utilize the sidewalk.

But I draw the line at the damn rooster. I don’t care where you’re from or what you do, you don’t keep live roosters in your back yard when you live in the city. Isn’t it enough that I have to listen to the music and nightly gatherings? Now I have to hear a rooster crowing all day long. Isn’t there an ordinance against that? I am honestly pissed off. And even more so, I’m pissed off that I’m pissed off. I try to preach tolerance and kindness every day, but I’m pretty sure this is where prejudices start.

In Bruges: 5-Second Review

This dramedy is set in Bruges Belgium where two hitmen are impatiently waiting their next assignment. With a cast of Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes, and Brendan Gleeson, Bruges doesn’t miss a beat from beginning to end. It was missed by most audiences on the big screen, but I hope more people take the time to check it out at their local video store.

It's all on you

The family and I are going to Montana for the weekend. I guess that means you'll have to figure out how to get depressed on your own. Fear not, I will return on Monday. However, I plan on coming back revitalized and full of zest. Feelings of joy will rule the day. Damn, I can't wait for Monday. It sounds so exciting.

The Day My Music Died

It’s easy to be melodramatic about life, especially during the nights when Malinda is at work, Sophia is asleep, and I’m left alone with nothing by my thoughts. Problems are bigger, solutions are harder to come by, and hope seems to fade into the black. Mostly, I jot down a paragraph or two about what’s affecting me, followed by a largely failed attempt at sleep. But I still manage to wake up ready to take on the world again. I fight the good fight keep chasing after that dangling carrot.

Tonight, however, was different. As I sat on my living room floor watching a movie (with the mute on), I noticed how lonely my guitar looked. I grabbed it, nestled into the corner and started playing some of my favorite songs I had written over the years. But a funny thing happened. Words escaped me, phrases were lost. I had forgotten.

Music has always been my solace. It allows me an outlet to express my emotions and be in a different place while I play. My songs tell the stories of my life; past relationships, heartbreaks, and true loves. I felt so strongly about these moments, I created a rhythm for their timelines. They were my stories to share, and some, to keep. And today I realized that I have let some important pieces of me get lost in the shuffle, blending in with the clutter of bills, pressures to succeed, and disappointments of bounced paychecks. Lies and ignorance were followed by blind trust, and now I’m starring up from the bottom of a dark hole.

It’s easy to see the problem, hard to accept it, and even harder to start over again when you’re already two steps back. I think my first priority will be finding my music again. Hopefully it’s lost and not dead. Perhaps, if the song remembers when, then I can to. Regardless, I’m ignoring the dangling carrot, but I will continue to fight the good fight.

“Wipeout” is good clean fun

ABC’s summer show “Wipeout” works on many different levels. Okay, well it really only works on one level; watching people fall, tumble, get thrown around, and sometimes punched in the face. The show is an obvious copy of Japan’s “MXC” (Most Extreme Challenge), which can be seen on Spike TV, but lives up to the comedic banter and unexpected face plants of its predecessor.

I have to admit, 10 minutes into the first episode I wasn’t completely sold on this remake of a timeless classic, which is actually a redubbed remake of a Japanese original. Don’t worry, I’ll draw you a picture later. Regardless, the “punching wall” and “big balls” finally won me over. There’s nothing like watching a 50-year-old cougar take one on the chin and nose dive into a pit of mud.

“Talk Soup’s” previous host (back when it was actually called Talk Soup), John Henson, adds witty one-liners, while ESPN’s John Anderson gives the commentary a familiar sport’s tone. Contestant interviewer, Jill Wagner, rounds out the cast and brings a series of uncontrolled laughs and smirks to every cut-away shot.

All in all, the original “MXC” is hard to beat, but “Wipeout” gives it a run for its money. There’s a possibility this summer novelty won’t stick around too long, so enjoy its humor at someone else’s expense while you can.