My Kiddo Is Kute.

because I said so.

Kids are the only thing I can think of that can have you on the verge of insanity one minute and gushing with love and pride the next. That's the beauty of life I guess.

Behold! My latest Ad.

BaileyWorks is going to run the first ad in one of their campaigns soon. It's a great concept and was fun to work on. Furthermore, I had to do a capacity test for their Super Pro messenger bag to make sure my calculations were correct for some information I'm including in their new website, and I'm proud to say my calculations were almost dead on.

I was able to fit 66 cans of beer in their medium sized Super Pro bag. I calculated that I should be able to fit 68, however, I didn't pack the bag as carefully as I should have. This means that 68 cans is by no means a stretch.

I filmed it for proof and will be uploading that shortly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of beer that needs to be drank (not sure if that is the correct tense for drink); 66 cans to be exact.

Yeah, pretty much.

I'm pretty excited for this year's election. Since I live in Portland, Ore., most people are all jazzed up because they hate Bush and love Obama. I get it, but that's not why I'm really excited. You see, I think both McCain and Obama can bring about some good things. They both have strengths and they both have weaknesses. I'm mostly excited, however, because everybody else is. People have been moping around for so long, it brought down the vibe of the city. Now, there's an honest positive buzz about the the future. And even though I don't think the outcome of the election is as life or death as a lot of people are claiming, I'm kind of hoping that Obama wins. If nothing else, it will shut up all of those really outspoken left wing political junkies. And since I live in a predominantly liberal town, I get to hear a great deal of liberal propaganda.

I'm not saying that the right wing fanatics aren't just as bad. I'm just not surrounded my them. I'm glad people have passion when it comes to politics. But being passionately engaged and verbally crude towards another person simply because of their political beliefs is unfounded. I'm an advocate for crude humor, but crude hatred has no place in my life.

So let's all be excited together. Right wing, left wing, chicken wings; it doesn't really matter. Regardless of what happens, things will change. And the more engaged the general public becomes, the more things will continue to change.

Oh yeah, I'm also happy to have all of those local political ads finally pulled from TV. Those spots are annoying.

Really, Greg Oden!

So I'm trying to be a Blazers fan now that I'm living in Portland, and I hope their first game isn't a sign of things to come. The much anticipated debut of Greg Oden ended after he tweaked his foot 3-minutes into the game. After missing his entire rookie year, he couldn't even make 1-quarter without getting hurt.

If you can't make it through 1-quarter, maybe you should try another profession. If you've have three injuries before you complete 5-minutes of regular season play, perhaps you're not worth the hype. I'm just saying maybe the savior of Blazers basketball shouldn't be wrapped up into a 7-foot scarecrow that has trouble staying on his feet.

I'm not jumping off the P-Town bandwagon, but I think I'll have a little more leg room as everyone else makes their exit.

Tug-O-War

The Microsoft/Apple advertising tug-o-war continues. Oddly enough, Microsoft is only slightly tugging, and Apple is warring.

In recent ad campaigns, Microsoft has tried to connect to its consumers on a more emotional level. Their first attempt included several ads featuring Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. After the ads fell short, they were replaced with a series of spots that try to show consumers that PC users encompass all professions – most of which aren’t boring. You know the ads “I’m a PC, and I’ve been made into a stereotype.”

It’s nice to see Microsoft trying to build their brand beyond the corporate juggernaut that they are. For so long, they have been thought of as a greedy, numbers and figures company. And after the recent success of Apple’s “I’m a Mac” campaign, they are finally starting to realize that there is something to this whole branding thing. Your product doesn’t simply live on 6-square-feet of shelf space in Wal-Mart.

What I find interesting is Apple’s rebuttal campaign. Perhaps it’s because we’re in the middle of the political season, but Apple is using their recent ads to attack Microsoft’s tactics rather than promote themselves. Even if what they are saying is true, it still comes across as being on the defensive, which I find interesting.

I’m not advocating PCs over Macs, but I am intrigued with the ideology behind the recent change in tone of the Apple ads. Most of their previous spots included some sort of comparison where the Mac always came across as being hipper and more user friendly. Their last two spots, however, leave the direct comparisons on the cutting room floor. Instead, Apple is simply pointing out the flaws in Microsoft’s thinking. So let the politickin’ begin.

Ah ha!

Gas has dropped to a nostalgic $2.85 a gallon at my local gas station. This, my friends, is a beautiful thing. Now, all of the people who pretended that they wanted to go green in order to help the environment can quietly go back to “not caring.” A sigh of relief, I’m sure.

It makes me think back to June of this last year when all of the analysts were predicting the inevitable increase of gas prices to an amazing $5.00+ a gallon. This prompted hordes of individuals to sell their gas guzzling vehicles for compact cars, thus tanking the market for trucks – I kept my truck, however. I feel even worse for all of those people who jumped onto the $2.99 a gallon gas guarantee offered by Dodge/Chrysler. In most cases, these consumers had to opt out of a several thousand dollar rebate offer in order to lock in the low gas rate.

I can’t help but blame the media for generating the nation-wide panic. There’s still no doubt that we need to keep developing more fuel efficient vehicles and looking for alternative sources, but there’s also no need for scare tactic journalism, which only causes knee jerk reactions and volatile market swings.

Yes, the cost of a barrel of oil increased to record highs, but most of us would have dealt with it differently if we didn’t have to hear about it every night on the news. “Gas prices rise again. Beware, the end of the world is near.”

Yet, when things start going the other direction, we hear nothing. $2.85 a gallon! I can’t remember the last time I paid that. But we don’t hear anything about it because all the news outlets want to report on is the volatile stock market.

“The market went down again today. Beware, the end of the world is near.”

Quote of the day from Police Chief Martin Brody in Jaws:

"Smile you Son-of-a-Bitch!"

Harper is getting bigger.

The Bad Guy

We all love a good hero’s story. But do we really like seeing the underdog win, or do we simply like seeing the bad guy lose? We all have come across that one person who we just can’t stand. Their despicableness keeps us up at night. How do they get away with acting like that? They are the people who you wish ill fortune upon. And if you’re thinking “I never wish ill fortune upon anyone” right now, you’re living a lie.

When’s the last time you met someone and immediately thought “wow, I hope that person gets whatever they want out of life?” Now, when’s the last time you met someone and immediately thought “wow, I hope they get hit by a bus the next time they cross the street? Not killed, but hurt.” Admit it, more times than you’d care to acknowledge. The fact is we like to see bad people lose more than we like to see good people win.

That’s why this year’s World Series is going to be slightly boring. There’s no one to root against. Both teams have good stories. Both teams have nice guys on their rosters. Both teams are worthy of taking home the title. There’s no one to root against, which means if you’re not a huge fan of either side, there’s no one to really root for. And let’s face it, both of those teams don’t have the biggest fan base.

Finally Giving Some Love to the Backyard

It was a jungle when we moved in.

But now it's starting to resemble a yard.

We used the bricks that were left here to make a patio. The grass is starting to come in. Next up, the deck.

It never fails.

I actually went out last night and had some drinks, which means I didn't get home until 1 in the a.m. My daughter has slept in until 7:30 or 8:00 this entire week, but this morning she was jumping on my bad at 6:25 a.m. Seriously! It never fails.

A Quote By Lucas:

The only difference between iconic and ironic is one letter.

F.Y.I. and A.K.A.

I hate cheering for the Cowboys! But Tony Romo is on my fantasy football team, so I have no choice. I’ve basically sold my soul to the devil. Oddly enough, I sold my soul to the devil when I started liking the Yankees, but that didn’t really bother me. I suppose this time I’m just not getting a fair price.

Ughhh!

I feel like I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed this entire week. Lack of sleep, poor diet, and no exercise have exhausted me. It’s never good when you have to drink coffee in the morning and an energy drink in the afternoon and still can’t keep your eyes open. Maybe if I push my bed against the wall, I’ll be forced to wake up on the right side of it. Or maybe I should just heavily sedate myself before I go to sleep.

It's not you. It's me. Fine, it's you.

The stock market takes its biggest plunge in several years over the course of a week…The government bails out the banks… The stock market continues to fall… Every news cast across America starts telling us the best way to get out, and just when everybody starts jumping ship, the market has its biggest climb (11% or 900+ points) since 1933.

This is like a bad relationship I had in college once. Now I’m just waiting for the market to show up at my door at 2 a.m., crying and apologizing for its emotional state. At which point, I will let it in for the night. Only to realize a week later that nothing has really changed. Damn you stock market, for bringing up the emotional scars from my past.

Is it already Tuesday? I'm mentally three days behind the rest of the world.

A thought I had today...

Easter was basically April Fool’s day for Jesus.

Because I can’t comment on Don Joseph Kingsley’s Blog:

Donnie actually thought “The Happening” wasn’t that bad. He said, “A lot better than I expected considering all the people who told me it was terrible. It was not terrible.”

This is a case of having such low expectations for a crappy movie that the viewer actually feels a slight sense of euphoria when the film doesn’t burn out his or her retinas. This is a common occurrence in life. If you set yourself up for disappointment, it’s easier to be satisfied with the outcome. That being said, Donnie should know better than to advocate such a feeling before understanding the ramifications of his misconceptions. Like a drunken one-night-stand with a homeless hooker, it always seems like a better idea that it really is.

I went into the movie without any preconceived notions and came out utterly disappointed. I witnessed several good actors coming off as complete amateurs, which usually falls on the director and script. The tension was limp and the story line has been done before. Although it’s not a remake, it was by no means “original storytelling.” I’m giving Donnie a cyber back hand right now. Did you feel that Donnie?

I guess I can look at my review as an act of Good Samaritanism. By setting the reading public’s expectations so low, they may actually not want to kill themselves after watching this pile. That’s my good deed for the day.

E-mail Fodder

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

And the winner is…

No one! So even though I don’t really like the modern debate format, last night’s duel wasn’t that bad. The candidates were able to get up and walk around, which felt more engaging, and the banter was a little more on point.

In the end, what did we learn? McCain looks awfully uncomfortable wielding a microphone with his nonfunctioning bionic shoulders. I totally respect the guy. He’s more of a man that I’ll ever be, but walking around with a microphone is not his strong suit; at least not visually. Both candidates still love to interpret the same facts in different ways, which is brilliant for all of us confused Americans who don’t have a clue about what’s actually going on. But at least they broke the issues down, so we can be more confused in greater detail.

After a full hour and a half of back and forth wordplay, I think the night ended in a tie. That’s like playing an entire game and still having to go to overtime…Exhausting. The worst case scenario would be a hard fought overtime. McCain might take the term “sudden death” too literally. And then who would run in his place, Palin? Instead of tax returns, we would be refunded in Moose Drool Ale. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s not a bad idea.

An Overdue Feud

I apologize to all three of my faithful readers for my shear lack of posts over the last couple of weeks. Fortunately for me, I’ve been bogged down at work, which takes up most of the creative brain power I have allotted for each day. By the time I get home, I am mush. I have also been immensely satisfied with my lot in life as of late. This leaves little room for me to garner hatred towards those who make me feel like I am completely underperforming; a deadly combination for someone whose humor is based on depression and a low self esteem.

The good news is that I am starting to feel a rhythm in my new work environment and should be functioning at a more efficient level shortly. And because I can never allow myself to be too happy for too long, I’m sure I will find some reason to jump into a downward spiral of self loathing. At that point, I will start to berate all that I see once again. I will tear down those that leave themselves vulnerable and laugh at the misery of the world. If I run out of sugar for my coffee, I will hate on anyone who grows sugar cane – you know who you are. If I’m late to work, I throw out racially insensitive slurs about all of those who can’t drive. If I lose more sleep because my neighbors won’t stop partying in their driveway, I will smash their windshield with my pick axe and tell the world about. I will be an equal opportunity hater of idiots.

Until then, I hope you all have a wonderfully magnificent day. Turn that frown upside down and smile for crying out loud.

Debates and Debacles

Here’s the issue I have with the debating system as it relates to the modern era. All it seems to prove is that a person can speak in front of a camera…period. I’ve watched the last two debates, and I don’t think I’ve heard a single plan or actual statistic. One side says this will work, and the other side refutes by saying it won’t. One side says we need to ramp up education, the other side says we need to focus on Afghanistan. That’s great. What the hell does it mean?

Unfortunately, all a person can really get from a debate it the tone and confidence behind a candidate’s voice. Last night I heard so many apposing “statistics” it made it impossible to know who’s telling the truth. I suppose back before the Internet, televised debates were fairly important because the candidate’s personalities weren’t as accessible. But we know so much about the candidates these days that the actual debates don’t provide us any new information.

I don’t want to hear two hours of propaganda fluff. If you say you’re going to bolster education, tell me how. Are you going to provide private education waivers, reallocate funds so teachers get paid more, or restructure standardized testing? This is the information that will actually affect me. I want to hear numbers, strategies, and dates; not slogans, buzz words, and nicknames.

The worst part is that the next day the media actually tries to crown a winner. What is this, the Academy Awards? And the award for the best candidate able to skirt the issue goes to…

A Quote by Me:

Merely standing will only tire you out. Standing for something will make you stronger.