You've Been Learned
According to DidYouKnow.cd, about 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace. This is called propinquity.
I guess that means that the other 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of where somebody else grew up. I'm sure if I think about that, I can easily argue that it is wrong. I just feel like it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Not Messin’ Around
Alright, I’ll admit that I laugh in the face of snow. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a little bit of white menace that can be brushed aside. Snow is like the skinny white guy in baggy pants acting gangster. Snow is Vanilla Ice and Danny Bonaduce. Ohhh, look at the snow. It’s so cute when it gets angry.
But tomorrow there’s a chance we may get freezing rain. Not even I am dumb enough to mock the freezing rain Gods. That stuff doesn’t mess around. It’s basically tiny car crashes falling from the sky. It’s droplets of power outages covering the ground. It is 4x4 trucks sliding down driveways, tree branches crushing un-expecting rooftops. Freezing rain is Charles Manson and the guy who shot 50 cent. It’s bad news with every potential to stop the presses.
And as much as I laughed at the snow storm while driving my car without chains, I will respect the freezing rain and stay home. I will buy my extra water. I will make sure my candles have wicks. Achilles had his heel, Sampson could lose his hair. I have freezing rain.
Just kidding. Freezing rain is for women and small children. Bring it on Jack Frost!
Alright, I’ll admit that I laugh in the face of snow. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a little bit of white menace that can be brushed aside. Snow is like the skinny white guy in baggy pants acting gangster. Snow is Vanilla Ice and Danny Bonaduce. Ohhh, look at the snow. It’s so cute when it gets angry.
But tomorrow there’s a chance we may get freezing rain. Not even I am dumb enough to mock the freezing rain Gods. That stuff doesn’t mess around. It’s basically tiny car crashes falling from the sky. It’s droplets of power outages covering the ground. It is 4x4 trucks sliding down driveways, tree branches crushing un-expecting rooftops. Freezing rain is Charles Manson and the guy who shot 50 cent. It’s bad news with every potential to stop the presses.
And as much as I laughed at the snow storm while driving my car without chains, I will respect the freezing rain and stay home. I will buy my extra water. I will make sure my candles have wicks. Achilles had his heel, Sampson could lose his hair. I have freezing rain.
Just kidding. Freezing rain is for women and small children. Bring it on Jack Frost!
Monday, December 15, 2008
You’ve Been Learned
Chances are you’ve heard the term “non-sequitur” before. Heck, it was even the name of a comic strip. But what does it actually mean? You probably have a faint idea, but here is the the actual meaning. Non-Sequitur is Latin for “it does not follow.” So it is something they may not be logical or supported by facts. Kind of like my blog.
Pans Ho bitches! That’s Oh Snap backwards – except for the bitches part. That’s normal.
Chances are you’ve heard the term “non-sequitur” before. Heck, it was even the name of a comic strip. But what does it actually mean? You probably have a faint idea, but here is the the actual meaning. Non-Sequitur is Latin for “it does not follow.” So it is something they may not be logical or supported by facts. Kind of like my blog.
Pans Ho bitches! That’s Oh Snap backwards – except for the bitches part. That’s normal.
Give Me a Break
Let me preface this by saying that I don’t think I’m the king ding-a-ling of winter or anything. I did grow up in Montana, and I have been exposed to winter-like conditions before. I’m well aware that that doesn’t make me special. I also can understand how someone who is not used to such conditions would have a little bit of trouble when the snow starts to fly. That being said, however, I do have a problem with the Doom and Gloom mentality of the local news stations regarding their coverage of this weekend’s storm.
I sat through 1-hour of local news yesterday morning. Every 5-minutes I received an update from some “very concerned” reporter on location. “The wind is blowing. And as you can see, there are a couple of snow flakes coming down.”
Holy crap! Stop the presses. Do we really need five reporters on location to show us how “nasty” 2-inches of snow can be? Yes, the roads get slick. But this is not the end of the world. If you have chains, put them on. If not, you slow down and avoid some of the hills.
But this big hullabaloo about “if you don’t have to leave your house today, don’t,” is a little over the top even for Portland. We get 2 of these storms every year. Get use to it. Leave your house early. Drive slower. And don’t watch the news unless you want an update on the end of civilization as we know it…Because in weather like this, even hell can freeze over. Dun, dun, dun.
Let me preface this by saying that I don’t think I’m the king ding-a-ling of winter or anything. I did grow up in Montana, and I have been exposed to winter-like conditions before. I’m well aware that that doesn’t make me special. I also can understand how someone who is not used to such conditions would have a little bit of trouble when the snow starts to fly. That being said, however, I do have a problem with the Doom and Gloom mentality of the local news stations regarding their coverage of this weekend’s storm.
I sat through 1-hour of local news yesterday morning. Every 5-minutes I received an update from some “very concerned” reporter on location. “The wind is blowing. And as you can see, there are a couple of snow flakes coming down.”
Holy crap! Stop the presses. Do we really need five reporters on location to show us how “nasty” 2-inches of snow can be? Yes, the roads get slick. But this is not the end of the world. If you have chains, put them on. If not, you slow down and avoid some of the hills.
But this big hullabaloo about “if you don’t have to leave your house today, don’t,” is a little over the top even for Portland. We get 2 of these storms every year. Get use to it. Leave your house early. Drive slower. And don’t watch the news unless you want an update on the end of civilization as we know it…Because in weather like this, even hell can freeze over. Dun, dun, dun.
Friday, December 12, 2008
What's in a name?
Do you ever Google yourself, but when you click on your name, someone else shows up? I never knew I was so possessive about my name until I found out that some douche bag on a Go-Kart has been using it. Who the hell are you, Go-Kart guy?
The worst part is that he’s probably sitting at home staring at his computer saying “Why does some dumb ass from Portland keep using my name to fill the web with worthless fodder?” Damn this cycle of irony!
Do you ever Google yourself, but when you click on your name, someone else shows up? I never knew I was so possessive about my name until I found out that some douche bag on a Go-Kart has been using it. Who the hell are you, Go-Kart guy?
The worst part is that he’s probably sitting at home staring at his computer saying “Why does some dumb ass from Portland keep using my name to fill the web with worthless fodder?” Damn this cycle of irony!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Invisible Monsters
I recently read “Invisible Monsters” by Chuck Palahniuk. Where do I begin? This book was written as a statement to the publishers who didn’t want to pick up “Fight Club” because they thought it was too disturbing. This is was his F-You to the mainstream.
That being said, Monsters was one of the most sexually perverse and sadistic books I’ve ever read or can imagine reading. It’s hard to get through the first 100 pages not only because of the content, but because his story structure resembles that of buck shot. It’s like he wrote a book, individually cut out every paragraph, shuffled them up and pasted them back together.
I cannot in good conscience recommend this book to anyone. However, if your mind frequently travels to dark places like my own, I can say you will be intrigued. By the time I finished "Invisible Monsters” I was contented. I enjoyed the payoff of the story, and I’ve always been a fan of Palahniuk’s writing style. I anxiously await his new material. But at the same time, I’m a little worried about that fact.
I recently read “Invisible Monsters” by Chuck Palahniuk. Where do I begin? This book was written as a statement to the publishers who didn’t want to pick up “Fight Club” because they thought it was too disturbing. This is was his F-You to the mainstream.
That being said, Monsters was one of the most sexually perverse and sadistic books I’ve ever read or can imagine reading. It’s hard to get through the first 100 pages not only because of the content, but because his story structure resembles that of buck shot. It’s like he wrote a book, individually cut out every paragraph, shuffled them up and pasted them back together.
I cannot in good conscience recommend this book to anyone. However, if your mind frequently travels to dark places like my own, I can say you will be intrigued. By the time I finished "Invisible Monsters” I was contented. I enjoyed the payoff of the story, and I’ve always been a fan of Palahniuk’s writing style. I anxiously await his new material. But at the same time, I’m a little worried about that fact.
Hey Fella
Next week I turn 28-years-old, and I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it. I’m no longer a kid, but I don’t really feel like an adult. I’m holding on tight to my boyish good looks, but wouldn’t mind resembling a man. So what does that make me?
As far as I can figure, it makes me a fella – ‘goodfella,’’ badfella,’ or even just a ‘hey fella.’ It’s not so bad being a fella. It’s better than being a ‘hey you’ or ‘that guy.’ I suppose fella is a good non-descript description of what I am or maybe of what I’m not. I’m young but have a family. I’m responsible but immature. I’m driven and lazy – not too much of one and thing and not too little of another. I seem to fall right there in the middle.
Maybe that means I’m just the right amount. Not being too much or too little of something focuses on the ‘not.’ Perhaps I need to focus on the ‘am?’ I suppose that’s what a fella would do.
Next week I turn 28-years-old, and I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it. I’m no longer a kid, but I don’t really feel like an adult. I’m holding on tight to my boyish good looks, but wouldn’t mind resembling a man. So what does that make me?
As far as I can figure, it makes me a fella – ‘goodfella,’’ badfella,’ or even just a ‘hey fella.’ It’s not so bad being a fella. It’s better than being a ‘hey you’ or ‘that guy.’ I suppose fella is a good non-descript description of what I am or maybe of what I’m not. I’m young but have a family. I’m responsible but immature. I’m driven and lazy – not too much of one and thing and not too little of another. I seem to fall right there in the middle.
Maybe that means I’m just the right amount. Not being too much or too little of something focuses on the ‘not.’ Perhaps I need to focus on the ‘am?’ I suppose that’s what a fella would do.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Congress may step in
A Texas congressman is writing a bill that will make it illegal to promote a College BCS National Championship game without using a playoff system. The bill "will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a 'national championship' football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice." - as quoted by ESPN.com.
I can only imagine that congressmen have more dire things to think about in this brief moment in history. However, a playoff system would be pretty bad-ass in college football. Maybe a Hawaiian congressman will finally step up and make wearing socks with sandals a violation of the Obviously Not in Good Taste Act. The possibilities are endless. Of course, we might also want to consider stabilizing the economy and reducing our dependence on foreign oil. But in the meantime, can you imagine a California where it’s against the law to wear a fanny packs in conjunction with Khaki shorts? Or a world that finally recognizes that Futbol is actually called Soccer? It's crazy!
A Texas congressman is writing a bill that will make it illegal to promote a College BCS National Championship game without using a playoff system. The bill "will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a 'national championship' football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice." - as quoted by ESPN.com.
I can only imagine that congressmen have more dire things to think about in this brief moment in history. However, a playoff system would be pretty bad-ass in college football. Maybe a Hawaiian congressman will finally step up and make wearing socks with sandals a violation of the Obviously Not in Good Taste Act. The possibilities are endless. Of course, we might also want to consider stabilizing the economy and reducing our dependence on foreign oil. But in the meantime, can you imagine a California where it’s against the law to wear a fanny packs in conjunction with Khaki shorts? Or a world that finally recognizes that Futbol is actually called Soccer? It's crazy!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
The Bloody Show?
(Eric beware, this is slightly graphic)
I try not to question a lot of things in life (this is actually a false statement. I question just about everything). Well then how about, I don’t a let a lot of gruesome hospital things bother me (that works, but I should really limit my internal dialogue while writing – Point taken).
Regardless, my wife just had another weekly exam because we’re getting down to last couple of weeks in her pregnancy. After the appointment, I went back to work and tried to determine a rough estimate of where she’s at in her pre-labor timeline. This is where I was reminded about all of those fun terms used to describe the body. The one I can’t quite get out of my head, however, is the “bloody show.” Do they really have to call it that?
I understand it accurately describes what happens down there (the female’s mucus plug dislodges and exits the body). But really, the bloody show? This is not a form of entertainment we are all tuning into. They didn’t pull out this label when naming the “period.” And I’m pretty sure it’s because people don’t want to be reminded about what’s actually happening down there. It’s a little disturbing.
So instead of the “bloody show,” maybe we can refer to this event as the “red storm.” (No, that one more accurately describes the period). Or perhaps, we could call it the “prelude,” the “hyphen,” or even the “pink genie.” It’s just a thought.
(Eric beware, this is slightly graphic)
I try not to question a lot of things in life (this is actually a false statement. I question just about everything). Well then how about, I don’t a let a lot of gruesome hospital things bother me (that works, but I should really limit my internal dialogue while writing – Point taken).
Regardless, my wife just had another weekly exam because we’re getting down to last couple of weeks in her pregnancy. After the appointment, I went back to work and tried to determine a rough estimate of where she’s at in her pre-labor timeline. This is where I was reminded about all of those fun terms used to describe the body. The one I can’t quite get out of my head, however, is the “bloody show.” Do they really have to call it that?
I understand it accurately describes what happens down there (the female’s mucus plug dislodges and exits the body). But really, the bloody show? This is not a form of entertainment we are all tuning into. They didn’t pull out this label when naming the “period.” And I’m pretty sure it’s because people don’t want to be reminded about what’s actually happening down there. It’s a little disturbing.
So instead of the “bloody show,” maybe we can refer to this event as the “red storm.” (No, that one more accurately describes the period). Or perhaps, we could call it the “prelude,” the “hyphen,” or even the “pink genie.” It’s just a thought.
Friday, December 05, 2008
O.J. now stands for Orange Jumpsuit
Yes, I am clever. Anyway, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to as many as 33-years in prison today for his involvement in an attempted robbery in Las Vegas. He will be eligible for parole after nine of those years.
I’m an advocate for tough sentencing, but if you compare the judgment to other outcomes for armed robbery, it sure seems a little stiff. According to TotalCriminalDefense.com, the state court’s average sentence for armed robbery is 6.5 years while the federal court’s average only increases to 9.
Perhaps I don’t have all of the information dealing with the Simpson case, but it sure seems like he was sentenced for more than the Las Vegas incident.
Yes, I am clever. Anyway, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to as many as 33-years in prison today for his involvement in an attempted robbery in Las Vegas. He will be eligible for parole after nine of those years.
I’m an advocate for tough sentencing, but if you compare the judgment to other outcomes for armed robbery, it sure seems a little stiff. According to TotalCriminalDefense.com, the state court’s average sentence for armed robbery is 6.5 years while the federal court’s average only increases to 9.
Perhaps I don’t have all of the information dealing with the Simpson case, but it sure seems like he was sentenced for more than the Las Vegas incident.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
The Joys of Parenthood
My daughter has reached the ripe old age of 19-months. And with that milestone, she has also developed several habits that make life as a parent much more trying – I mean fun. One being that my little angel has mastered the phrase “why?”
You would think that you could reason with the why, but you can’t. Sure, I come up with answers just as quickly as she can spout out her retort, but it gets exhausting. It’s to the point now where I’m starting to think that she doesn’t even care about what I have to say. In fact, I’m not entirely sure she even knows what why means. For example, this morning the following occurred:
“No honey, you can’t watch Blues Clues now.”
“Why?”
“Because daddy is watching ESPN.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s my morning ritual.”
“Why?”
“Because I work at a sports advertising firm, and I like to be up-to-date on the current issues.”
“Why?”
“So I can keep my job and afford to buy you all of that stupid shit you never play with but for some reason mommy thinks you still need.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure, maybe you should ask mommy about that.”
“Mommy, here?”
“No, mommy is sleeping.”
“Why?”
This is cute if you are watching a friend’s kid for an hour or two. This is cute if you’re visiting a relative and you want to show them how understanding and relaxed you are as a parent. This is not cute at 7 in the morning everyday of the week.
My daughter has reached the ripe old age of 19-months. And with that milestone, she has also developed several habits that make life as a parent much more trying – I mean fun. One being that my little angel has mastered the phrase “why?”
You would think that you could reason with the why, but you can’t. Sure, I come up with answers just as quickly as she can spout out her retort, but it gets exhausting. It’s to the point now where I’m starting to think that she doesn’t even care about what I have to say. In fact, I’m not entirely sure she even knows what why means. For example, this morning the following occurred:
“No honey, you can’t watch Blues Clues now.”
“Why?”
“Because daddy is watching ESPN.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s my morning ritual.”
“Why?”
“Because I work at a sports advertising firm, and I like to be up-to-date on the current issues.”
“Why?”
“So I can keep my job and afford to buy you all of that stupid shit you never play with but for some reason mommy thinks you still need.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure, maybe you should ask mommy about that.”
“Mommy, here?”
“No, mommy is sleeping.”
“Why?”
This is cute if you are watching a friend’s kid for an hour or two. This is cute if you’re visiting a relative and you want to show them how understanding and relaxed you are as a parent. This is not cute at 7 in the morning everyday of the week.
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