Hunting Chronicles

I took this excerpt directly from an email my buddy sent me regarding his last hunting trip.

"Mitch and I went [duck hunting] Saturday. Shot a couple times and had one bird land near our decoys. I told Mitch to shoot it, he turned and said, "let's let it sit there a minute." Then it flew away. No shots fired."

Sometimes hunting is nothing more than watching.

Now Better Tasting!

I was about to make my kids some Hamburger Helper last night when I noticed one of the lamest taglines I've ever seen. In a giant yellow starburst on the box, it said "Now Better Tasting!"

Wow, that doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. I would understand if it said something like "Now with more flavor!" But better tasting? It might as well have said, "Hamburger Helper. Our old stuff tasted like shit."

I think it's just the verbiage "better tasting" that throws me off. It just feels incomplete. Come on, Hamburger Helper, let's step up your game for the next round.

With Age Comes Wisdom...Sexy Wisdom.

As I approach my 30th birthday, a few things have become clear. The most obvious being that it's time to replace my Maxim subscription with GQ. That noise you just heard is my childish sense of humor lamenting the loss of a longtime friend. Of course, my inner suave man welcomes the change. It is quietly nodding and looking cool as we speak.

It's not that I think I'm too mature for Maxim's college humor and single paragraph stories. And I by no means want the cover models to think I don't appreciate their sexy poses. I just have to realize that in order to become cooler than Paul Newman and more interesting than the 'Most Interesting Man in the World', I need to branch out.

I need my half naked models to be surrounded by sensible fashion suggestions as opposed to more half naked models. And instead of learning how to disarm a biker with a pool cue, I need to learn how to master my english on a pool table. It's merely a slight step up commensurate with my age.

Thanks Gmail...

Gmail let me know that someone in China might have accessed my email. Of course, this notice came after everyone on my contact list started asking why I was spamming them.

Gee, everyone on my contact list, I guess I was bored, so I decided to start sending you awesome links about how you can save money by acting now. Actually, I do appreciate them getting back to me so I knew to change my password. But after 30+ responses, my appreciation turned into pissed-offness.

Then, of course, Gmail emailed me saying, "Hey, you might want to change your password." Thank you, Gmail, for that completely obvious response. I love your non-proactiveness. Next time someone from China decides to spam people form my account, maybe you should stop them before they send out a butt load of messages. On the bright side, at least they let me know it was China that I needed to be pissed off at.

As a boycott, I'm not buying anything manufactured...at least for today. Take that, China. Ha!

The Original 'Most Interesting Man in the World'

2nd Best Movie Title Ever

Next to Snakes on a Plane, of course. I'm not going to tell you about it. I want you to experience it like I did. Randomly, through a trailer.

Pass the Popcorn: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1

David Yates returned to direct the last two installments of the Potter franchise. His earlier efforts (The Order of the Phoenix and The Half-blood Prince) fell a little short in my eyes. The books brought an emotional backbone to the table that the movies seemed to lack. So I was wary about how he was going to approach the final films.

As it is, The Deathly Hallows greatly outshines the other installments on all accounts. What stood out most to me was the fact that Yates was able to create a great deal of tension on screen in the moments where even the book seemed to sputter – something that hasn’t happened in the other films. Interestingly enough, this was the only book that was split into two movies. I can’t help but wonder if the last two Potter flicks would’ve benefited from the same treatment.

The action was spot on and the pacing was great, especially for a 150-minute long movie. I was also surprised (in a good way) at how dreary Yates went with the story. It was nice to see a look and feel that matched the severity of consequence the characters were experiencing. 

The Deathly Hallows plays most like the Prisoner of Azkaban – not directed by Yates. However, Yates has mentioned that Azkaban is his favorite Potter film... Until now, I would assume. 

Magic Eye

These were single-handily the coolest thing and the most annoying thing from the 90s. Awesome in that your eyes can do it. Lame in that the resulting image was so... lame. And yes, you can actually see the image online. It's a shark... a lame shark.

Best Old Spice Commercial Clone Yet

From the UK.

French or Fiction

My 3 1/2-year-old daughter just said to me, "Can you please turn on a show for me? Merci."

I told her that I don't speak French, and I show no mercy. But since she curtsied with the request, I turned on a show anyway.

Poor Form

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver and Micheal Vick teammate, DeSean Jackson, concluded last night's win with an ill-timed quote. When asked about the game, he said, "We came back in the locker room pumped up. We were like pit bulls ready to get out of the cage."

Kind of funny and kind of not. Open mouth and insert foot. It's okay, Jackson. I have to do that almost everyday.

Planters = Awesome

The subtle humor in this isn't that subtle, but it is subtly awesome. And you can never go wrong with stop animation during the Holidays. Give it up for Rudolph, bitches!

Pass the Popcorn: MacGruber

After being MacGruber for Halloween, I decided I should actually watch the movie to see exactly what I was promoting... My mother would have been disappointed in me. Like most SNL adaptations, MacGruber was over the top, obnoxious, and played out by the end. Of course, if you've liked that about recent SNL-based comedies, it won't disappoint. Otherwise, you can skip it.

Pass the Popcorn: Get Him to the Greek

I've heard some mixed reviews on this raunchy Johan Hill and Russell Brand comedy, which I get. At some points, it tries extremely hard to be vulgar while at others, it's pouring its heart out. Regardless, I laughed more than I didn't and recommend giving it a try.

When Product Placement Goes Bad

Crazy Pills

I act crazy at work. But there are several other people there that are far crazier than I...and they don't even realize it. I'd put a quarter on it.

Qualifying Compliments

I think qualifying a compliment completely defeats its purpose. If you have to qualify what you’re saying, chances are it’s because it could be better. Don’t get me wrong. I do it, too. But that doesn’t make it right.

Think about it. What if I were to say, “I’m a pretty good basketball player for being short.”

That’s basically saying I could be better. But I’m short, so I’m not. Hmmm, Let’s look at some more.

That’s a good dinner for a box recipe simply means most box recipes suck. I look good for being 30 is no different than I looked better at 20, but hey, what can you expect. I’m 30. And I’m a good speller for not reading that much is just another way of saying I wouldn’t have so many typos if I actually researched my craft.

So I guess from now on, I’m just going to stick with the compliment and leave the qualifications unspoken.

The Day Football Cards Died

When I look back on a childhood of collecting football cards and learning how to be a man, I can't help but smile. But I also remember knowing the moment things would never be the same. As I grew older, I noticed my beloved Topps and Upper Deck packs were being replaced by Pokemon and Pogs at the checkout stand.  

Boys were worshipping little yellow animals instead of Hall of Fame quarterbacks. They were trading meaningless cardboard disks instead of the newest rookies. The card shops were slowly being pushed out of the malls. Despite the NFL's growing popularity, little boys were straying from their potential manhood to fairytale lands of fancy.

Now, I sit and look at my dusty collection of Joe Montana mint conditions and it saddens me. When I was 8 could remember thinking how rich I was going to be after selling or trading my cards in my thirties. This is a dream I will never see materialize. I remember thinking how cool my son was going to be when he brought a 1970s Topps to show and tell. Now his classmates will be none the wiser. 

There are some trends that are better served dead. Collecting sports cards is not one of them. Boys will still find their way to becoming men. But it will take longer. It will be a precarious road that winds through cartoons, wizards, and vampires. But they will get there. My son will get there. And when he does, I will be waiting with Jerry Rice in his plastic case...with a smile on face.

Creepy M&Ms

Does anybody else find the M&M commercials creepy. They always seem to be putting their characters in situations where they are being eaten or about to be eaten - not to mention the spot where they are going to put the pretzel character inside the M&M. I know this is candy we're talking about here, but there sure is a lot cannibalism going on.

AND 1 - Be Lo-Qi

I worked with Kamp Grizzly on getting this spot made for AND 1. 

Green Fatigue

A recent article in Ad Age states that people simply aren't responding to 'green marketing' like they use to. Consumers aren't believing the message anymore. While it's always nice for a legit entity to write it down, this doesn't scream news to me. It's the cyclical nature of anything driven by the media. People don't like being beaten over the head with the same message all day.

It's like those popular underground bands that people grow to hate once they get popular. When no one has heard of them, they sound fresh and new. Then everyone starts talking about them. Before you know it, they are playing everyone 30 minutes on the radio, which results in listener revolt. They are still a talented band, but you can only hear the same song so many times before the melody loses its hook.

While the green message is important, it's gotten too much radio play of late. Instead of standing out, brands are starting to blend in. Once the bottom of the barrel brands jump on board, you know the message has worn out its welcome. It's the same reason the Republicans took back the power in the House this election, and the same reseason they will lose it in the next one.

Once you recognize the cycle, it's a lot easier to embrace it.

Sports Mania

I like rooting against the Cowboys just as much as I like cheering for the 49ers. It's nice because even when my team's not playing, I can pull for whichever random team is playing my foe. And that's how it should be.

Fail

I bought my father-in-law these super-cool Keen boots. Warm but not too warm. Heavy-duty but not too heavy-duty. Basically, they're just right. Then I told my mother-in-law to make sure he doesn't buy himself any new boots until Christmas. This happened last week. This week, he bought himself boots. Welcom to my Christmas Gift Fail.

Macbook Air

I got a new Macbook Air for work. It's weird not having a disc drive and only one USB port, but so far, it's a sweet little machine. And yes, they are really that skinny.

Pass the Popcorn: Law Abiding Citizen

Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler try to outwit each other in a cat and mouse movie where everything blows up. Interesting enough to watch on cable but that's about it. And the moral of the story... don't piss off a really smart atheist that has nothing to live for.

Pass the Popcorn: The Town

Ben Affleck writes, directs, and stars in a good one...finally. I don't have anything against Affleck accept for that he usually sucks on camera. He proves me wrong in The Town. A cross between Heat and The Departed, The Town splices hardcore drama with some intense action sequences. I never knew a mini van could drive like that. It was satisfying from being to end. My only knock is that the main actress (Rebecca Hall) simply bothers me and that Blake Lively didn't get naked even once. Besides that, it is good flick.

Halloween Squared

I'm not sure what was sadder; my attempt at being MacGruber for Halloween or the fact that I was only missing a mullet wig from my regular repertoire to complete the outfit.

Halloween

I was home alone for Halloween and this is what I learned:

1. I'm boring. I sat in the dark, watched movies, drank beer, and did push ups most the day and night. I was one premeditation away from being a serial killer.
2. I live in a predominantly Mexican neighborhood. Literally, 90% of the kids that came to my door prefer gracias over thank you.
3. Mexican families Trick or Treat in packs. Seriously, they came to the door 10-12 at a time. I ran out of candy after the first couple of knocks.

Let's Celebrate Disappointment

My wife wants to throw me and my son a 49er-themed birthday party this year. It makes perfect sense, really. I always get super excited about my birthday and then it gets here and I end up being disappointed - not in my wife's efforts but in the idea of December birthdays altogether. It just seems like a lot of preseason hype for a mediocre celebration. Besides, we all know every wants to see Christmas take the field.

It's basically like the 49ers for the last 10 years. Picked to win the NFC West by the analysts but lucky not to have the first pick in the draft the following year. It's been a tough decade to be a Niner fan.