Jackassalope

A Dedicated Me

With my good friend Seth’s recent success on the marathon circuit, I’ve decided to do a little training myself; not for a 26-miler, but for the rest of my lifer. That’s right, I’m starting my training now, so when my second baby is born I will be the perfect dad.

I’ve already set my alarm to go off on two-hour intervals at night, so I can reacclimatize myself to interrupted sleep. When I take off my pants, I purposely pee in my own face in order to simulate random infant urination. I’m still a little slow at dodging a steady stream but that’s what training is all about.

I’m focusing my lingo so it mirrors that of a seasoned dad. I’m practicing phrases like “don’t hit your little brother,” and “get me another beer.” I’m also listening to the radio, a CD player, and the TV at the same time so that I can have pinpointed multi-child listening accuracy. Unfortunately, I still can’t bring myself to listen to my wife.

With a little over six months remaining, I’m going to have to keep my training rigorous, but it’s the only way. You perform like you practice, and gosh darnet, I want to perform like a champion. So here’s to me; a dedicated, mildly amusing, father of the year. Okay, I can’t back that up, but I can say that I’m the best father living at my house, currently. And that’s saying something.