Jackassalope

Mostly Not True: Tiger Chokes…on hairball?

It appeared that Tiger Woods choked this weekend after blowing a fourth round lead, missing almost every conceivable putt, and carding a 75 in the wake of it all. After the devastating loss, however, he hunched over and coughed up a massive hairball. Critics and fans were quick to point out that even though you can gag on a hairball, you don’t technically choke on it. And being that Tiger’s name literally references a giant cat, it makes sense that Mr. Woods would cough one up every once and awhile.

Greg “The Shark” Norman chimed in after the loss, saying that he too has gagged in the past but only after trying to consume a large seal without adequately chewing it. A far-too-real phenomenon that simply comes with having your nickname refer to a predatory animal.

Phil Michelson was later heard crying behind the media tent because he doesn’t have a cool nickname. “Lefty” is nothing more than a one-armed pirate or a right-handed gangster (because gangsters like the irony of having nicknames that are opposite of their physical characteristics…Like Tiny or Shorty). Phil was seen leaving the course with “The Abominable Snowman” written on the back his shirt.