Jackassalope

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Fifteen monkeys are loose in Lakeland, Flo. today after a fire forced them to swim across a pond to safety. Wildlife officials are baffled about the escape because the monkeys aren’t supposed to be able to swim… An animal just below us on the evolutional chain, that has reasoning skills, relationship association, and two arms and two legs, isn’t supposed to be able to swim? Do these guys know that elephants can swim? Are they aware that hippopotamuses in all of their lard-assed glory are practically water polo experts? Of course monkeys can swim. Just because they don’t do it for fun, doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

In order to retrieve the escaped monkeys, wildlife officials are pulling out all of the stops. Due to the primate’s elusive nature, they are going to lay out bananas and sweet potatoes in the same spot for a couple of days and try to net the animals when they get close. I employed this same tactic when trying to catch leprechauns every St. Patrick’s Day eve. Then again, I was five. I can order clothes through a touch sensitive window at a retail storefront, but these guys have to use bananas and nets to catch escaped monkeys. Maybe we should go to Afghanistan with 70 virgins and put them in front of mountain caves in order to catch Osama Bin Laden.