Jackassalope

Left Behind.

With Tiger Woods making like a gazillion dollars a year in advertising and endorsement deals, it’s easy to look past “Old Lefty.” Phil Michelson has been quietly raking in endorsements as his popularity continues to increase. Last year he made over $47 million dollars in non-purse revenues, which is still a far cry from Tiger’s $100 million, but not that shabby.

So why can’t I get behind this guy. He’s middle-aged, married, and has a kid. He loves the game of golf, and has a competitive drive. Yet, I want him to get squashed like a bug. It’s not entirely fair. I would like to say it’s because he has a bad attitude and curses on the links, but Tiger can be just as, if not more, explosive when something goes wrong. Then I thought that maybe it was because he wasn’t good under pressure, which shows an innate weakness in character, but the guy has made some amazing shots over his career. Not to mention, Tiger doesn’t have the best record when faced with a final round comeback.

This left me with one conclusion. Just like George Bush doesn’t like black people (or maybe he just doesn’t like Kanye West), I don’t like lefties. Using your left hand for everyday tasks isn’t natural. What’s next, are some people going to start using only one eye, or maybe babies will be born with two faces. The whole thing is ludicrous. Sorry Phil, my dislike for you was preordained. You should have never starting digging into your Gerber baby food with your left hand; you should have forced yourself to write your name with your right hand – like the rest of us normal people.

It’s too bad though. Now that I realized I have a left hand prejudice, I have to figure out if I still like my brother. That’s right; one of my own blood relatives is a lefty. I’ve been tainted by south-pawism. It’s a shame I must live with. Oh well, go get ‘em Tiger.