Best 2 out of 3

There’s going to be a Rock, Scissors, Paper contest held in Portland tonight. I’m sure it will have a novelty appeal for an hour or so. Not to mention you can win Miller Lite Gear! Holy crap, bags and shirts with the Miller Lite logo pasted on it. My mom would be so proud.

Talent?

Why do people like America’s Got Talent? I’ve tried to watch this show on several occasions to no avail. I find most of the acts boring, the judges listless, and the story lines trite. I was inspired by two 30-second promo spots and was immediately let down by their lame episode counterparts. I just can’t quite figure out why it holds the top ratings week in and week out. If American Idol is a glorified Karaoke contest, then America’s Got Talent is nothing more than a puffed up summer camp talent show. Both of which, are very forgettable.

Breaking News?

I know this is an every other week rant, but what the hell is up with Yahoo News? I have to go to the Yahoo page in order to view my fantasy sports teams. While I’m there, I scan the headlines. Granted, I don’t expect much, which is why being let down is that much more depressing. Headline for today…Again! Simple, unexpected ways to help you save gas.

What do they do, link to the same article every day and just give it a different title? Yes, we get it. Drive slower, less erratically, and properly inflate your tires. Or simply drive less. Done. I didn’t need an article to tell me that. And why? Because I read the same article last month, last week, and yesterday. I was also lucky enough to hear it on the radio last month, last week, and yesterday. And did I mention I watched it on the local news last month, last week, and yesterday!

The funniest thing is that they still report it to us like it’s actually news. Here’s the actual news. If you don’t already know how to increase your gas mileage, find a mirror and look into it. What you’re seeing is a complete moron. Now raise your right hand and try to slap the stupid out of you. It probably won’t work, so try again just for the hell of it.

From a NY Times article titled:
10 Things to scratch from your worry list.
By JOHN TIERNEY

6. Toxic plastic bottles. For years panels of experts repeatedly approved the use of bisphenol-a, or BPA, which is used in polycarbonate bottles and many other plastic products. Yes, it could be harmful if given in huge doses to rodents, but so can the natural chemicals in countless foods we eat every day. Dose makes the poison.

But this year, after a campaign by a few researchers and activists, one federal panel expressed some concern about BPA in baby bottles. Panic ensued. Even though there was zero evidence of harm to humans, Wal-Mart pulled BPA-containing products from its shelves, and politicians began talking about BPA bans. Some experts fear product recalls that could make this the most expensive health scare in history.

Nalgene has already announced that it will take BPA out of its wonderfully sturdy water bottles. Given the publicity, the company probably had no choice. But my old blue-capped Nalgene bottle, the one with BPA that survived glaciers, jungles and deserts, is still sitting right next to me, filled with drinking water. If they ever try recalling it, they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers.

Brooke Hogan gives thinking another shot.

Brooke Hogan lashed out at the press for writing inaccurate information about her. In her blog, she calls them ‘Jerks.’ The press responded immediately saying that she was an ‘ugly, stupid face.’ I don't think she should be reacting simply on emotions like Hillary Clinton. It might dissuade female voters from voting for a woman...Ohhh, that's a jab at her intelligence.

Chris Rock is…Not the Father

After litigations and DNA testing Chris Rock was found to ‘not be the father’ of Kali Bowyer’s child even though she still insists that they had an affair and a subsequent baby. Unfortunately for her diluted mind, DNA doesn’t lie. Unless of course, Rock is a Chimera. That would change everything. It's also highly unlikely. I saw it on a CSI episode once.

Bowyer is trying to sell a book about the ordeal, which is probably why she is pushing so hard for the media attention. I would like to take a moment right now to urge a boycott of her book. Ahh, that was a good moment. I didn't realize that I was such an activist. It’s hard enough for some mothers to get restitution from lame dads without gold diggers muddying the waters of public opinion.

You lied, Bowyer. You wanted a hand out and some attention and it didn’t work. I’m not even saying that Rock didn’t sleep with you. But I am saying that, at the very least, he’s not the father, so let it go.

Winehouse Hospitalized! No Way!

Amy Winehouse was hospitalized again last night for “a reaction to medication.” Does she even sing anymore? Oh wait, she did release that racist YouTube jingle a little while ago. Drunken rants are music too, right?

This is just another tragic example of good talent wasted on a worthless person. The worse part is how many musicians are out there that would kill for an opportunity to record an album and have it marketed on an international level. Unfortunately Winehouse would rather use this opportunity to slowly kill herself. It’s only a figure of speech Amy. Take the needle out of your arm and back away from the booze.

The Worst, Ever!

Having recently seen “The Happening” at my local McMenamen’s Movie Theater and Pub, I’ve come to the conclusion that (A) movie theaters inside of bars are the coolest thing ever. Not only can you drink there, but it’s encouraged. And let’s not forget a movie is only $3; and (B) M. Night Shyamalan is the worst director of the last decade.

What makes it worse is that he had two lucky goes at movie making with “The Sixth Sense” and “Unbreakable” but everything else he’s touched since, has sucked. Shyamalong-a-dingdong hasn’t directed a movie worth watching for years, and “The Happening” is no different.

The actors gave shallow performances; there’s more depth in my daughter’s kiddy pool. And the script took an interesting idea and turned it into a SciFi made for TV crap-fest. At one point, I actually recited two minutes of dialogue before the words came out of the actor’s mouths; that’s how predictable the script was. And Mark Wahlberg hasn’t given a performance that amateurish since “The Big Hit.” Oddly enough, Wahlberg is quoted saying that the choices Shyamalan was having him make went against an actor’s natural tendencies. Well done, M. Night. Way to prove that a bad director can overshadow capable actors.

I vow to never again subject myself to another one of Shyamalong-a-dingdong’s movies; if you can actually call them that. I’m actually pissed that with the money he wasted making “Lady in the Water” and this recent yawner, some other movie didn’t get funded. If I ever see M. Night in person I’m going to kick him in the balls and say “It doesn’t feel so good, does it?” because that’s how I felt last night.

By the way. "The Dark Knight" was pretty kick-ass; great performance my Ledger, awesome action, and a fun ride. The script was a little plot heavy, Batman's voice is still too grizzled, but I enjoyed it despite the hype-trap.

Stampede of Olympic Proportions

Thousands of fans swarmed the Olympic Stadium in Beijing in an effort to purchase the last remaining batch of tickets on Friday. Metal barricades were mangled and people pushed to the ground as the out-of-control fans rushed the ticket sales window.

The crowd was subdued when they finally realized they were in line to purchase tickets to the upcoming Olympics. Most had thought they were waiting in line to buy tickets to the Miley Cyrus concert tour. In a related story, Hannah Montana is really popular. Damn your popularity Miley!

Good For You, Girls!

A new study shows that girls are finally as smart as boys when it comes to math. In a related story, homosexuals have overtaken women in fashion sensibility and lesbians continue to dominate softball but have ambitions to take over baseball in the near future. Men have become suitable housewives, and no matter how hard they try, midgets are yet to break into the NBA. I’d say it’s been a pretty crazy week in biased research.

But seriously, the study about math is true. At least we think so. As it turns out, the researchers were a bunch of women, and it’s hard to tell if the quantitative data was added correctly. The numbers are currently being rechecked for accuracy by a bunch of male chimps at the San Diego Zoo.

Warning, Sting Ahead

I’m not anti-cyclists by any means. In fact, I wish that I lived closer to work, so I could save a little gas money as well. What I am against is all of the bitching the cyclists have been doing of late. Yes, it sucks that bikers are getting hit by vehicles on a monthly basis, but whose fault is it? I’ve had my fair share of near misses as cyclists blow through stop signs and red lights.

It’s a lot easier to observe the road on a bike, which is why they feel comfortable breaking traffic laws. I do the same thing when I ride, but that doesn’t make it right. The fact of the matter is that by law, bikes are considered vehicles and have to obey all of the traffic laws.

Recently, Portland police conducted a sting operation that targeted bikers who committed violations. Fifty-three cyclists were pulled over Wednesday morning alone. Most were just given a warning instead of a $200+ ticket. And as much as it pissed off a lot of people, hopefully it raised a little bit of awareness as well.

Thank You Weatherman

I find it slightly hilarious that weathermen feel the need to stand in the eye of a storm to report the status of approaching hurricanes. I was reminded about this oddity this morning as I watched a national weatherman stand in whipping winds and pelting rain to let us know that whipping winds and pelting rain are targeting Texas. Interestingly enough, he could have just told me about the weather, and I would have gotten the idea. If he really wanted to impress me, he could have shown me some footage from a traffic camera. But nope, weather men feel the need to prove their worth to world. They have to measure up to investigative journalists who go to great lengths to get the story. They need to compare to the reporters imbedded with troops in Iraq, or that one host who was stabbed on the show “Cheaters.”

Did you see the footage of Al Roker getting blown over by hurricane winds a couple of years ago? Yes, even Mr. Roker feels the pressure. Regardless of how hard they try, they are still weathermen. They explain too much, are right too little, and typically aren’t that funny. But fight on Mr. Weatherman. Prove your worth to me and the world. Dodge windblown debris. Trudge through feet of water, and show me that rain.

Will it ever be the same? Probably.

At the Movies with Ebert and Roeper will be handing over its reigns to new blood come next year. Despite the fact that Ebert hasn’t been part of the show for some time now, it is still a bit of nostalgic blow to movie enthusiasts. I have to admit that since Roeper has been discussing the movies with a myriad of special guests, it is hard to get a consistent handle of who you should believe. But I still enjoy his “I’m better than you” banter he has with his guests each week. Unfortunately their replacement, Lyons and Mankiewicz, doesn’t have the same ring to it. Mankiewicz, really? It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

The worst part is that I never realized they were hiring. I would have totally submitted my resume. Oh well.

Furry Fiends

There’s a conspiracy against me. All the animals in the world have banned together to make sure I never get a good night’s sleep. Our new dog is great, but a nocturnal S.O.B. Every morning at 5 a.m. there’s a smack down between him and one of the cats.

Hssssss, Smack, Bark! And I’m awake.

Before the new dog, it was just the cats. One of them would find a way to wake me from my restless slumber before the sun came up. Whether it be from jumping on and off the bed repeatedly, vigorously cleaning themselves next to my ears, or meowing at the door, I never quiet figured out how to silence them for a full night.

And I don’t even want to get into the rooster that briefly found refuge next door.

Jumping in head first:

I forgot what it was like to have work to do at work. It’s kind of exciting. My first day on the new job and I have already been given a plate full of projects to catch up on and move forward with. I guess there will be no dipping my toes into the waters to see how cold they are. Nope, head first is the only way to go.

Accidental Taxidermy

I received a letter from my mom shortly after moving back to Portland, Ore. from New York City. The letter was typical of her, meaning it wasn’t really a letter, but more of a note.

“Thinking of you. Hope all is well. Love Mom,” was scribbled at the bottom of piece of notebook paper.

Enclosed in the envelope was a claw taken from a grizzly bear. It wasn’t purchased from a souvenir shop dangling from a sterling silver chain. It wasn’t glued to a plaque with a witty saying inscribed below. It was an actual claw removed from the paw of an actual grizzly bear…and I thought nothing of it.

Coming Up!

Why do we have to sit through two minutes of “coming up after the break” during every segment of a reality TV show? To make matters worse, we have to sit through another two minutes of “what happened before the break” when the show resumes. I know it’s reality TV, which means it’s typically light on story, heavy on filler, but don’t tell me what you’re going to show me right after the commercial. It’s a waste of time. I’m not going to stayed glued to the TV waiting to see if what they just said is going to happen will actually happen. If anything, it makes me want to change the channel even more. If you don’t have enough storyline to fill each segment then hire better writers.

Coming up tomorrow, Lucas will writer another blog. Stay tuned!

Knock, Knock. Who's There?

It’s been quite awhile since someone has made the inaccurate assumption that I still live with mommy and daddy. It’s not that it offends me; I just get a little confused on how I appear to other people. At the ripe old age of 27, I have seen me appearance change a lot since high school. I’m married with a kid and another one on the way. I wear a wedding ring and consistently change the look of my facial hair, but I guess I still look prepubescent to the general public.

Last night I was watching a TV show when my doorbell rang. I didn’t want to answer it but figured that it would be rude to let the poor guy stand in the dark for much longer, so I opened the door. The guy was selling alternative energy for the power company, which I probably would have been interested in until he actually spoke.

“Hi,” he looked around sheepishly, “Are your mom or dad home?”

Those are the words; strike one, two, and three. Enter awkwardness. You see, I don’t really care how young I look. In fact, I take advantage of it more times than not. But I had a long day and was tired, so for this door-to-door salesman, it was the nail in his coffin.

“No, my mom and dad aren’t home because I am the owner of this house. What can I do for you sir.”

My tone wasn’t mean, but my point was heard. He tried to stutter his way through a short sales pitch, but his embracement ruled the conversation. I let him talk for a minute but eventually ushered him along, taking a pamphlet for his constellation prize. I’m sure a 12-year-old can answer the next door he knocks on, and he’ll probably start the conversation with “are you the owner of this house.”

The Bat Man.

I don’t claim to be a nerd, but I am super geeked up about the new Batman. Okay, maybe I am a nerd.

Hooray for me!

I got a new job at another creative firm today. Sweet! Maybe this time I'll actually get paid for my time worked. You mean employees have rights? Holy crap, go figure.

A World of Shame

A 10-year-old Yemen girl reports to CNN that at her young age she has already been married, divorced, and raped. I understand that different cultures have different customs, but 10-years-old! That’s what, someone in fourth or fifth grade. The plain and simple truth is that is sick and wrong. Most 10-year-old girls haven’t even gone through puberty, not that that would make it okay.

Of course, she was raped. Even if she had consented to the sex, or even if her parents consented to it, I would still consider it rape. She’s effing 10-years-old for crying out loud. There is absolutely nothing anyone could ever tell me that would make this sort of thing okay.
What makes it worse is that the guy is in his 30s. I’m only 27-years-old, and I have a hard time talking with girls in their late teens, not hitting on or flirting with, simply talking to. They young and have no clue about the world.

And now the parents of the little girl are mad because they say that the man lied to them. He promised not to touch her until she was 20. Sorry mom and dad, but if you’re going to allow your daughter to get married and leave home at 10-years-old, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Liquid Gold

Imagine that, as soon as the U.S. lifted the ban on off shore oil drilling the cost per barrel decreased for two straight days. The drop of over $11 a barrel will hopefully be the start of more price slashing, but we’ll have to wait and see.

I have questions.

I’m looking for a good literary agent or publisher to have an informational interview with. If anyone out there knows someone that fits this bill, let me know.

I'm on top of the world ma!

Okay, so maybe I'm not on top of the world, but I am climbing the mountain. I'm two chapters into my book, which will be a collection of essays in the same vein as David Sedaris. No, I am not comparing my talent to that of Mr. Sedaris’. But I am saying that I’ll be writing a series of short stories that hopefully will inspire some, cause others to laugh, and at the very least, make you feel a little better about yourself.

Despite failing on many professional levels, I have realized that some good can come from my large collection of shortcomings. Will I ever get published? Probably not. Does it give me something to look forward to? Absolutely, and sometimes that means more than the actual outcome.

Rooster Update!

My neighbor’s rooster is gone. I fear it lost its final cock fight.

Handle Your Pan Somewhere Else

A recent article in the Oregonian stated that the Beaverton police are becoming increasingly strict on panhandlers despite the fact that Beaverton has no law that prohibits the act. Instead, cops are issuing citations for littering, disorderly conduct, and other nuisance violations.

My problem with the homeless community I’ve come into contact with in Portland is that most of them are young, able-bodied individuals. The ones that try to use my restroom at work have to history of mental illness and no physical disadvantages. They simply don’t want to work. Newsflash! Nobody actually wants to work. We do it because we have to.

It angers me even more to find out that these people can’t seem to find the means to get a job, but they are organized enough to get a public defender on their side in order to sue the city. Lawsuits have been filed by panhandlers and settled in 2003 and 2004 for thousands of dollars. I’m glad they have the fortitude to be proactive when it’s convenient for them, rather than when it’s just part of life.

My wife’s grandfather worked as a social worker in Louisville, KY for many years. He recounts when they did a study of their local panhandlers. Instead of simply handing them money for being intrusive, they offered them a wage and a day’s worth of work. Every single one turned it down saying that they would make more money begging for it.

The problem with panhandling is that people continue to donate their change, thus perpetuating the lack of actual change in someone’s life. If those concerned about the wellbeing of the homeless donated to sanctioned charities instead of giving their dollars to beggars, the problem would resolve itself. A stray cat won’t show up on your doorstep every night if you don’t offer it food.

I don’t want to dissuade people from giving. I’m all about charities and helping people in need. But I think that donated dollars can go a lot further to solving the problem when they’re given through the right channels. As cheesy as it sounds, if you give a man a fish, you fee him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed for his life. If the man refuses to fish and doesn’t want to learn, then screw him. Fishing is a part of life.

Have It Your Way

It was Sophia's first time at a McDonald's Playland. We weren't sure if she would be able to enjoy herself, but she jumped right in and didn't want to stop.

Cute, but a pain in the butt...

Puppies are cute, but they are a pain in the butt to train.

The dog pees, I clean, and then Sophia tries to lick the soapy parts. It's a little exhausting.

Steps to being a good writer:

I took two more steps to becoming a better writer today. First, I ordered a couple of books that are supposed to breakdown theory in a clear and concise manner. Second, I bought a 12-pack of beer for when the first step doesn’t work.

Oddly enough, both of these ideas were recommended to me by writers. Hey, I’ll take any excuse I can to start Miller time a little earlier on a Monday afternoon.

Let's Get Creative

I can honestly say that it is nice to be given a menial compliment in order to soften the blow of criticism. I’ll be the first one to admit that the tone of my writing has substance while its technical aptitude falls a little short, but it’s still never fun to have that fact pointed out by an industry veteran.

Luckily, I went into my recent informational interview with the creative director/copywriter of Frank Creative with the sole purpose of gaining knowledge. And while none of his shots delivered a knock out blow, I don’t believe he pulled many punches either. All in all, it was a great learning experience. He shed some light on the different ways I can view my strengths and weaknesses, and handed me a tiny speck of hope encased in despair.

Number one lesson: Don’t listen to other people’s advice; especially when they don’t know what they’re talking about.

Number two lesson: Beg. Beg for work. Beg for experience, and beg for knowledge.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to put yourself into a position of begging and working for free when you have a family you’re trying to help support. Nonetheless, the option is always there. Now, it comes down to priorities and what I can bring myself to sacrifice along the way. That’s a question I can’t answer now. I guess I’ll have to learn that lesson along the way.

If the Today Show and Yahoo had babies... They'd be twins!

I’m sick and tired of Yahoo.com linking to “professional” blogs and trying to pass it off as news. It’s like the Today Show has taken over the net. It is the same stupid story every other hour, every other day. I’m sorry, but if you need someone telling how to dress for the summer twice a week starting in April, you might as well stay home and not go out into the world. And as far as Yahoo is concerned, how many articles do we need to read that describe how to know if a guy is really into you? Furthermore, if you’re a chick, how many articles do you need to read in order to know that the guy you are dating is a loser?

Hint; if he doesn’t open the door, offer to pay, or look you in the eye, he’s a douche bag. And if he doesn’t try to at least kiss you (especially if he doesn’t try to kiss you on the forehead), then he doesn’t like you. It’s not rocket science. In fact, it’s not even science. It’s common sense.

Hire some real journalist or sell your damn website to Microsoft, so we can at least read some “actual” news. P. (effing) S., I don’t need your “Six Sauvé Dating Behaviors to Show You’re Interested.” When did Internet users become so helpless that they don’t even know how to talk to people? Ask someone out, buy them a drink, give them a kiss, tell them that you like them, and then shut the hell up; not that hard!

I know we live in the world of 24-hour news, but if you can’t come up with anything better, let the rest of the world read a book or spend time with their family.

I'm Not Kidding. It's an actual Rooster!

Seriously, it's annoying. Beyond that, I will write more when I don't have to focus on getting a new job. I swear, I'm the small business anti-chirst. I've been laid off twice, had one company sued by Warner Brothers, and the last one kept bouncing pay checks. Those aren't good odds by any standards.

I promise to keep my wit and sarcasm about me. I'll see you on the other side.

A Rooster! Seriously!

I tried desperately to like my neighbors. They’re a nice Mexican couple with a cute kid, but today I officially decided that I’m sick and tired of their antics. I understand it’s polite to help out a friend every once and awhile, but do you really have to have two house loads of furniture cluttering up your back yard. Four beds, dressers, boxes of clothes, and beat up armoires resemble a modern art project of the leaning tower of Pisa. However, I don’t think it will ever make its way to your local MoMa.

I even think I could get past the all of the junk if I didn’t have to listen to the owners of the junk playing loud mariachi music every night and having a good old laugh about who knows what. And nothing says “this is a good neighborhood” more than three beat up vans piled into their driveway (none of which can start on the first, second, or even third try) with two cars making sure that even the nimblest of pedestrians can get utilize the sidewalk.

But I draw the line at the damn rooster. I don’t care where you’re from or what you do, you don’t keep live roosters in your back yard when you live in the city. Isn’t it enough that I have to listen to the music and nightly gatherings? Now I have to hear a rooster crowing all day long. Isn’t there an ordinance against that? I am honestly pissed off. And even more so, I’m pissed off that I’m pissed off. I try to preach tolerance and kindness every day, but I’m pretty sure this is where prejudices start.

In Bruges: 5-Second Review

This dramedy is set in Bruges Belgium where two hitmen are impatiently waiting their next assignment. With a cast of Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes, and Brendan Gleeson, Bruges doesn’t miss a beat from beginning to end. It was missed by most audiences on the big screen, but I hope more people take the time to check it out at their local video store.

It's all on you

The family and I are going to Montana for the weekend. I guess that means you'll have to figure out how to get depressed on your own. Fear not, I will return on Monday. However, I plan on coming back revitalized and full of zest. Feelings of joy will rule the day. Damn, I can't wait for Monday. It sounds so exciting.

The Day My Music Died

It’s easy to be melodramatic about life, especially during the nights when Malinda is at work, Sophia is asleep, and I’m left alone with nothing by my thoughts. Problems are bigger, solutions are harder to come by, and hope seems to fade into the black. Mostly, I jot down a paragraph or two about what’s affecting me, followed by a largely failed attempt at sleep. But I still manage to wake up ready to take on the world again. I fight the good fight keep chasing after that dangling carrot.

Tonight, however, was different. As I sat on my living room floor watching a movie (with the mute on), I noticed how lonely my guitar looked. I grabbed it, nestled into the corner and started playing some of my favorite songs I had written over the years. But a funny thing happened. Words escaped me, phrases were lost. I had forgotten.

Music has always been my solace. It allows me an outlet to express my emotions and be in a different place while I play. My songs tell the stories of my life; past relationships, heartbreaks, and true loves. I felt so strongly about these moments, I created a rhythm for their timelines. They were my stories to share, and some, to keep. And today I realized that I have let some important pieces of me get lost in the shuffle, blending in with the clutter of bills, pressures to succeed, and disappointments of bounced paychecks. Lies and ignorance were followed by blind trust, and now I’m starring up from the bottom of a dark hole.

It’s easy to see the problem, hard to accept it, and even harder to start over again when you’re already two steps back. I think my first priority will be finding my music again. Hopefully it’s lost and not dead. Perhaps, if the song remembers when, then I can to. Regardless, I’m ignoring the dangling carrot, but I will continue to fight the good fight.

“Wipeout” is good clean fun

ABC’s summer show “Wipeout” works on many different levels. Okay, well it really only works on one level; watching people fall, tumble, get thrown around, and sometimes punched in the face. The show is an obvious copy of Japan’s “MXC” (Most Extreme Challenge), which can be seen on Spike TV, but lives up to the comedic banter and unexpected face plants of its predecessor.

I have to admit, 10 minutes into the first episode I wasn’t completely sold on this remake of a timeless classic, which is actually a redubbed remake of a Japanese original. Don’t worry, I’ll draw you a picture later. Regardless, the “punching wall” and “big balls” finally won me over. There’s nothing like watching a 50-year-old cougar take one on the chin and nose dive into a pit of mud.

“Talk Soup’s” previous host (back when it was actually called Talk Soup), John Henson, adds witty one-liners, while ESPN’s John Anderson gives the commentary a familiar sport’s tone. Contestant interviewer, Jill Wagner, rounds out the cast and brings a series of uncontrolled laughs and smirks to every cut-away shot.

All in all, the original “MXC” is hard to beat, but “Wipeout” gives it a run for its money. There’s a possibility this summer novelty won’t stick around too long, so enjoy its humor at someone else’s expense while you can.