The Belvedere

A helmet so cool it makes a Ducati look lame... so you better be riding something retro. Either that or be rocking a moped in tweed. Seriously, these helmets are smooth. See more here.

Speak the Truth

Someecards never disappoints.

Montana

I went ice fishing in my free Hi-Tec schwag... Because that's what men do. Ten Perch, one Rainbow Trout, and a giant sucker later, I went home dry and warm. Extended schwag review to come.

Pass the Popcorn

The Expendables: Starring every action movie star from the 80s and 90s. Heck, even Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dolph Lundgren get into the mix. Unfortunately, the movie sucks. Oh well. I watched it for pure nostalgia's sake.

Easy A: A fun comedy about a girl who pretends to be a slut because she's nice! If she were really nice, then she would have actually have been a slut. Aha! Just kidding. Regardless, this was a good one. It's a new spin on the high school comedy, and the entire cast did a great job delivering the punch lines.

The Other Guys: Mark Wahlberg plays his character a little too 'one note' but it holds up as a buddy cop movie. It won't blow your socks off, but it has enough laughs to make it worth your while.

Despicable Me: This was a great kid's movie. It has fun characters and good laughs, but most of all, it never gets too scary for the little ones. We bought it on a whim and are glad we did.

The Kids Are All Right: Annette Bening shines and Julianne Moore takes off her clothes again. The acting is great, but I don't know why it keeps getting Best Picture Oscar buzz.

True Grit: The 1969 original starring John Wayne, Robert Duvall, and Dennis Hopper is a classic, plain and simple.

The Road to Montana

Zip It, Please

The next person from Portland that tries to tell me that I won't be able to drive over the pass on my way to Montana without chains is going to get dropped kicked in the face. Okay, I get it. You didn't grow up in the snow. You never learned how to drive in the snow, so it scares you. I, however, did grow up driving in the snow nearly every day.

I know it's not easy, but that doesn't mean it's not possible. And while we're on the subject...No, Portland snow isn't harder to drive in than any other snow. It's the same. It is user error that makes it more difficult. So please shut up. Thank you.

Let It Burn

After watching "There Will Be Blood," Ewan McGregor burned his SAG card because he knew he could never reach that level as an actor. Every time I  watch a John Wayne movie, I try to burn my man card.

Dear 49ers

You are a hot mess. You've made me largely sad for the last 10 years, yet I still cheer for you. If you were a girlfriend, I would have dumped you. If you were a job, I would have quit you. But you're not. You're a team. You're my team. And so, I will sit and wait for you to change. Please don't take too much longer.

Sincerly,
Pathetic

Any Given Sunday

Is it just me or is Brett Favre's year playing out a lot like Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday? Well it might not be scene for scene, but he is a legendary quarterback who's struggling to hold onto the limelight. Heck, Favre even got knocked out of the game, opening the door for Tarvaris Jackson.  And even after he was supposed to go on the IR, he was informed they might need him for one last stand. But does Brett have enough left in the tank for one last run, one last game, one last big play?

The best part about it is that Dennis Quaid would be the perfect actor to play Favre late in his career. Not to mention Tarvaris Jackson and Jamie Foxx are both black backup quarterbacks. It's like it was meant to be. Of course, Foxx played the backup roll a bit better than Jackson.

I guess we will have to wait and see what happens.

Top 5 Movies I Want to Re-Watch

The older I get, the busier I get. Here's a list of movies I loved the first time and desperately want to watch again. This list could get pretty big pretty quick. So here's the first five that come to mind.

1. The Departed
2. There Will Be Blood
3. Inception
4. Fight Club
5. Lady in the Water (Just kidding. I hate M. Night Shyamalan. He's a douche).

I'm leaving number 5 open for the best suggestion.

Tales from Adulthood

My daughter jumped in the bed this morning and said, "Dad, don't worry about the rain. I figured it out."

I could tell she was searching her brain for the exact words. Then she cleared her throat and said, "Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day."

She sat back and listened intently. The wind picked up and you could hear the rain start to fall even harder. She smiled slightly and quietly uttered, "Hmmm, I guess it didn't work this time. Oh well, I only learned it from Dora."

Classic Grit

I'm excited for the remake. But no matter how good it is, it can't replace what the Duke did. There's just something about John Wayne that inspires me. Maybe it was his pigeon toed walk or the cranky cowboys he always played. Or it could be the fact that he tossed his real name aside like rag doll because it wasn't manly enough. I'm mean really, who names their son Marion? The fact of the matter is that John Wayne was a man's man who didn't take crap from anybody.

I'd raise a glass of whiskey to the Duke any day of the week. He was more than classic tough. He was cowboy tough. Back when tough didn't mean six pack abs and a shaved chest. Tough was a weathered face and calloused hands. It was being a hero in spite of your faults.

Yogi Bear Meets Jesse James

I saw this YouTube clip on someecards.com. Edmund Earle animated this spoof as an alternate ending for the new Yogi Bear movie. It's a parody of the ending of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.

I had two reactions:
1) I remembered that The Assassination of Jesse James was a very well done movie. It has a methodical pace but definitely worth watching.
2) It made me sad. I thought it was funny but not "ha ha" funny. Just sad funny. I'm not sure how I would have reacted had I not watched the The Assassination of Jesse James. But it's similarities to the movie are impeccable. I have to admit, I'm amazed at the emotion the animator got out of Yogi's eyes before he's done in. It's pretty intense.

I'm interested to see if people were amused or offended.

Still Funny

I know this came out 6 months ago, but I stumbled across it today and it's still funny. Watch the real news footage first. Than watch the remix.

News Footage


Remix

Pass the Popcorn: The Last Airbender

M. Night Shyamalan is an awful director. It thought the main purpose of a director was to get a performance out of an actor that tells the best story. To find the great moments in a script and bring them to life on screen. Shyamalan can't do that.

When he's dealing with inexperienced actors, the performance are always flat and lifeless. He got lucky by having good actors in his first couple of flicks. But since then, he's continued to show us why he can't direct one lame performance after another.

Bottom line: The movie is okay for kids. But if you care about script, storyline, or decent performances, then don't bother.

Good Fortune

Have you ever found $1 on the ground? It's one of the coolest things ever. I swear, no matter how much money I have in my wallet, if I find a dollar on the ground, I feel like I just discovered a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

And it's a dollar, four quarters. I wouldn't even notice if I lost four quarters from my change jar. But if I  find it in the form of a greenback...ahhhhh, it's like the Gods of good fortune are smiling down.

C Cup Please

My wife had sinus surgery this week. Basically, they stuck a tiny drill up her nose and opened it up a little. The two-hour surgery went well. Of course, the first thing she said after waking up on the operating table was, "what size breasts did you give me?"

The doctor laughed as my wife passed back out. She remembers none of it.

Pass the Popcorn: Grown Ups

After their beloved childhood coach passes away, a group of friends reunite for a lame funeral followed by a meandering, obnoxious, and pointless weekend of stupidity. Grown Ups is simply a bunch of comedians collecting a paycheck where the jokes on anybody who actually paid to watch this movie.

Hunting Chronicles

I took this excerpt directly from an email my buddy sent me regarding his last hunting trip.

"Mitch and I went [duck hunting] Saturday. Shot a couple times and had one bird land near our decoys. I told Mitch to shoot it, he turned and said, "let's let it sit there a minute." Then it flew away. No shots fired."

Sometimes hunting is nothing more than watching.

Now Better Tasting!

I was about to make my kids some Hamburger Helper last night when I noticed one of the lamest taglines I've ever seen. In a giant yellow starburst on the box, it said "Now Better Tasting!"

Wow, that doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. I would understand if it said something like "Now with more flavor!" But better tasting? It might as well have said, "Hamburger Helper. Our old stuff tasted like shit."

I think it's just the verbiage "better tasting" that throws me off. It just feels incomplete. Come on, Hamburger Helper, let's step up your game for the next round.

With Age Comes Wisdom...Sexy Wisdom.

As I approach my 30th birthday, a few things have become clear. The most obvious being that it's time to replace my Maxim subscription with GQ. That noise you just heard is my childish sense of humor lamenting the loss of a longtime friend. Of course, my inner suave man welcomes the change. It is quietly nodding and looking cool as we speak.

It's not that I think I'm too mature for Maxim's college humor and single paragraph stories. And I by no means want the cover models to think I don't appreciate their sexy poses. I just have to realize that in order to become cooler than Paul Newman and more interesting than the 'Most Interesting Man in the World', I need to branch out.

I need my half naked models to be surrounded by sensible fashion suggestions as opposed to more half naked models. And instead of learning how to disarm a biker with a pool cue, I need to learn how to master my english on a pool table. It's merely a slight step up commensurate with my age.

Thanks Gmail...

Gmail let me know that someone in China might have accessed my email. Of course, this notice came after everyone on my contact list started asking why I was spamming them.

Gee, everyone on my contact list, I guess I was bored, so I decided to start sending you awesome links about how you can save money by acting now. Actually, I do appreciate them getting back to me so I knew to change my password. But after 30+ responses, my appreciation turned into pissed-offness.

Then, of course, Gmail emailed me saying, "Hey, you might want to change your password." Thank you, Gmail, for that completely obvious response. I love your non-proactiveness. Next time someone from China decides to spam people form my account, maybe you should stop them before they send out a butt load of messages. On the bright side, at least they let me know it was China that I needed to be pissed off at.

As a boycott, I'm not buying anything manufactured...at least for today. Take that, China. Ha!

The Original 'Most Interesting Man in the World'

2nd Best Movie Title Ever

Next to Snakes on a Plane, of course. I'm not going to tell you about it. I want you to experience it like I did. Randomly, through a trailer.

Pass the Popcorn: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1

David Yates returned to direct the last two installments of the Potter franchise. His earlier efforts (The Order of the Phoenix and The Half-blood Prince) fell a little short in my eyes. The books brought an emotional backbone to the table that the movies seemed to lack. So I was wary about how he was going to approach the final films.

As it is, The Deathly Hallows greatly outshines the other installments on all accounts. What stood out most to me was the fact that Yates was able to create a great deal of tension on screen in the moments where even the book seemed to sputter – something that hasn’t happened in the other films. Interestingly enough, this was the only book that was split into two movies. I can’t help but wonder if the last two Potter flicks would’ve benefited from the same treatment.

The action was spot on and the pacing was great, especially for a 150-minute long movie. I was also surprised (in a good way) at how dreary Yates went with the story. It was nice to see a look and feel that matched the severity of consequence the characters were experiencing. 

The Deathly Hallows plays most like the Prisoner of Azkaban – not directed by Yates. However, Yates has mentioned that Azkaban is his favorite Potter film... Until now, I would assume. 

Magic Eye

These were single-handily the coolest thing and the most annoying thing from the 90s. Awesome in that your eyes can do it. Lame in that the resulting image was so... lame. And yes, you can actually see the image online. It's a shark... a lame shark.

Best Old Spice Commercial Clone Yet

From the UK.

French or Fiction

My 3 1/2-year-old daughter just said to me, "Can you please turn on a show for me? Merci."

I told her that I don't speak French, and I show no mercy. But since she curtsied with the request, I turned on a show anyway.

Poor Form

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver and Micheal Vick teammate, DeSean Jackson, concluded last night's win with an ill-timed quote. When asked about the game, he said, "We came back in the locker room pumped up. We were like pit bulls ready to get out of the cage."

Kind of funny and kind of not. Open mouth and insert foot. It's okay, Jackson. I have to do that almost everyday.

Planters = Awesome

The subtle humor in this isn't that subtle, but it is subtly awesome. And you can never go wrong with stop animation during the Holidays. Give it up for Rudolph, bitches!

Pass the Popcorn: MacGruber

After being MacGruber for Halloween, I decided I should actually watch the movie to see exactly what I was promoting... My mother would have been disappointed in me. Like most SNL adaptations, MacGruber was over the top, obnoxious, and played out by the end. Of course, if you've liked that about recent SNL-based comedies, it won't disappoint. Otherwise, you can skip it.

Pass the Popcorn: Get Him to the Greek

I've heard some mixed reviews on this raunchy Johan Hill and Russell Brand comedy, which I get. At some points, it tries extremely hard to be vulgar while at others, it's pouring its heart out. Regardless, I laughed more than I didn't and recommend giving it a try.

When Product Placement Goes Bad

Crazy Pills

I act crazy at work. But there are several other people there that are far crazier than I...and they don't even realize it. I'd put a quarter on it.

Qualifying Compliments

I think qualifying a compliment completely defeats its purpose. If you have to qualify what you’re saying, chances are it’s because it could be better. Don’t get me wrong. I do it, too. But that doesn’t make it right.

Think about it. What if I were to say, “I’m a pretty good basketball player for being short.”

That’s basically saying I could be better. But I’m short, so I’m not. Hmmm, Let’s look at some more.

That’s a good dinner for a box recipe simply means most box recipes suck. I look good for being 30 is no different than I looked better at 20, but hey, what can you expect. I’m 30. And I’m a good speller for not reading that much is just another way of saying I wouldn’t have so many typos if I actually researched my craft.

So I guess from now on, I’m just going to stick with the compliment and leave the qualifications unspoken.

The Day Football Cards Died

When I look back on a childhood of collecting football cards and learning how to be a man, I can't help but smile. But I also remember knowing the moment things would never be the same. As I grew older, I noticed my beloved Topps and Upper Deck packs were being replaced by Pokemon and Pogs at the checkout stand.  

Boys were worshipping little yellow animals instead of Hall of Fame quarterbacks. They were trading meaningless cardboard disks instead of the newest rookies. The card shops were slowly being pushed out of the malls. Despite the NFL's growing popularity, little boys were straying from their potential manhood to fairytale lands of fancy.

Now, I sit and look at my dusty collection of Joe Montana mint conditions and it saddens me. When I was 8 could remember thinking how rich I was going to be after selling or trading my cards in my thirties. This is a dream I will never see materialize. I remember thinking how cool my son was going to be when he brought a 1970s Topps to show and tell. Now his classmates will be none the wiser. 

There are some trends that are better served dead. Collecting sports cards is not one of them. Boys will still find their way to becoming men. But it will take longer. It will be a precarious road that winds through cartoons, wizards, and vampires. But they will get there. My son will get there. And when he does, I will be waiting with Jerry Rice in his plastic case...with a smile on face.

Creepy M&Ms

Does anybody else find the M&M commercials creepy. They always seem to be putting their characters in situations where they are being eaten or about to be eaten - not to mention the spot where they are going to put the pretzel character inside the M&M. I know this is candy we're talking about here, but there sure is a lot cannibalism going on.

AND 1 - Be Lo-Qi

I worked with Kamp Grizzly on getting this spot made for AND 1. 

Green Fatigue

A recent article in Ad Age states that people simply aren't responding to 'green marketing' like they use to. Consumers aren't believing the message anymore. While it's always nice for a legit entity to write it down, this doesn't scream news to me. It's the cyclical nature of anything driven by the media. People don't like being beaten over the head with the same message all day.

It's like those popular underground bands that people grow to hate once they get popular. When no one has heard of them, they sound fresh and new. Then everyone starts talking about them. Before you know it, they are playing everyone 30 minutes on the radio, which results in listener revolt. They are still a talented band, but you can only hear the same song so many times before the melody loses its hook.

While the green message is important, it's gotten too much radio play of late. Instead of standing out, brands are starting to blend in. Once the bottom of the barrel brands jump on board, you know the message has worn out its welcome. It's the same reason the Republicans took back the power in the House this election, and the same reseason they will lose it in the next one.

Once you recognize the cycle, it's a lot easier to embrace it.

Sports Mania

I like rooting against the Cowboys just as much as I like cheering for the 49ers. It's nice because even when my team's not playing, I can pull for whichever random team is playing my foe. And that's how it should be.

Fail

I bought my father-in-law these super-cool Keen boots. Warm but not too warm. Heavy-duty but not too heavy-duty. Basically, they're just right. Then I told my mother-in-law to make sure he doesn't buy himself any new boots until Christmas. This happened last week. This week, he bought himself boots. Welcom to my Christmas Gift Fail.

Macbook Air

I got a new Macbook Air for work. It's weird not having a disc drive and only one USB port, but so far, it's a sweet little machine. And yes, they are really that skinny.

Pass the Popcorn: Law Abiding Citizen

Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler try to outwit each other in a cat and mouse movie where everything blows up. Interesting enough to watch on cable but that's about it. And the moral of the story... don't piss off a really smart atheist that has nothing to live for.

Pass the Popcorn: The Town

Ben Affleck writes, directs, and stars in a good one...finally. I don't have anything against Affleck accept for that he usually sucks on camera. He proves me wrong in The Town. A cross between Heat and The Departed, The Town splices hardcore drama with some intense action sequences. I never knew a mini van could drive like that. It was satisfying from being to end. My only knock is that the main actress (Rebecca Hall) simply bothers me and that Blake Lively didn't get naked even once. Besides that, it is good flick.

Halloween Squared

I'm not sure what was sadder; my attempt at being MacGruber for Halloween or the fact that I was only missing a mullet wig from my regular repertoire to complete the outfit.

Halloween

I was home alone for Halloween and this is what I learned:

1. I'm boring. I sat in the dark, watched movies, drank beer, and did push ups most the day and night. I was one premeditation away from being a serial killer.
2. I live in a predominantly Mexican neighborhood. Literally, 90% of the kids that came to my door prefer gracias over thank you.
3. Mexican families Trick or Treat in packs. Seriously, they came to the door 10-12 at a time. I ran out of candy after the first couple of knocks.

Let's Celebrate Disappointment

My wife wants to throw me and my son a 49er-themed birthday party this year. It makes perfect sense, really. I always get super excited about my birthday and then it gets here and I end up being disappointed - not in my wife's efforts but in the idea of December birthdays altogether. It just seems like a lot of preseason hype for a mediocre celebration. Besides, we all know every wants to see Christmas take the field.

It's basically like the 49ers for the last 10 years. Picked to win the NFC West by the analysts but lucky not to have the first pick in the draft the following year. It's been a tough decade to be a Niner fan.

Blitz Ladd: Porter and Whiskey

Someecard Halloween

Here are a couple of good e-cards for the season.

Hi-Tec Jackson Hole 400

I'm workin' on getting the hook up on these new Hi-Tec boots. My Danners are past their prime, and it's time to move on. The word on the streets is that the new Danners don't hold up like they used to, so I'm jumping ship for the time being.

Close...

This is another valiant effort by W+K. It has the heart to be great but I think the execution slightly missed the mark. A little too much humor and 'on the nose' setups brought it down. I think if it embraced a more serious tone, it would have blown the doors off the ad world.

Pass the Popcorn: Robin Hood

I had several fundamental issues with this movie, all of which, made it mediocre at best.
1. The dialogue struggled greatly at times.
2. The love story was uneven with awkward timing.
3. The kids, Marion, and the stupid little horses should not have joined in battle.
4. The prospect of a sequel sounded more appealing than how this story was told. If you're more excited about what happens after the movie ends, then the wrong movie was made.

Turf Wars

For the last couple of days my house has smelled of skunk. I thought perhaps a transient was smoking weed in my attic. After realizing the idiocy of that thought, I came to the conclusion that a skunk was calling the underbelly of my front deck its home.

So when I heard a rustle on the front porch last night, I thought to myself, "I've got you now, devil beast." But when I opened the door, there before me stood nothing more than a giant raccoon...holding my Halloween gourd. It quickly scared and retreated under the porch.

Now it is clear. My decorated porch is attracting the vermin of the neighborhood. Freshly painted gourds, ghoulishly carved pumpkins, and all the other garnishes that fall decorations provide. It's painfully obvious that a skunk is fighting a raccoon for the right to call it home.

They've had two battles thus far, which have both ended in someone or something getting sprayed. But the raccoon is becoming more daring. He's showing his face. Will the skunk stand for such insolence? I don't know. But I can tell you that I hope the skunk loses in the end. Like Lynyrd Skynyrd, I can smell that smell.

My Work Lives

Check out this product review on the Baileyworks Super Pro. It utilizes both videos I did for them back in the day. Simple yet satisfying.

Perspective

Anytime I feel like complaining about work I simply think about where my buddy works. Let's just say he manages the wayward souls that have ended up in a profession out of circumstance instead of choice.

For instance, he has to have weekly conversations with one of his employees because his skirts are too short. Yep, I said "his" skirts. Not kilts, skirts. And why does he wear skirts? Because when he started shaving his chest, he realized he had man-boobs, which led to him wearing bras. And why wear a bra if you're not going to start wearing blouses. And what goes best with a blouse? A short skirt!

Pass the Popcorn: Chloe

Amanda Seyfried and Jullianne Moore are both naked throughout, and yet, I still can't recommend Chloe. Of course, Jullianne Moore has always made me want to stick a fork in my eye. What has this year of cinema come to? I was neither intrigued or in suspense.

Boshee

My 3-year-old daughter named our new car Boshee. I don't know what it means. I either feel less imaginative because I would never have come up with such a name or less intelligent because there's a good chance she knows Chinese...I obviously need to watch more Nick Jr.

I'm Confused

Last night, my sister-in-law tried to convince me that going to an art school won't make you a better artist because the validity of an artistic expression is solely based on the person viewing it. I contended that schooling gives people the basic foundation to hone their skills, making them more likely to be well received, and thus better. She balked at the idea.

I gave up trying to make a point after my wife told me to shut it. Of course, I didn't have the heart to ask my sister-in-law why she was going to dance classes then. After all, dance is an artistic expression and learning the basic fundamentals won't make you better.

Is that a threat?

My 3-year-old daughter told me that she didn't want me to go to work today. I said that I had to anyway. She thought about it, looked around the room through the corner of her eyes, and replied, "But if you get injured, then you won't be able to work."

I think I will sleep with one eye open tonight.

Reality Check

I've been getting down on myself because my kids are getting bigger, my house is getting smaller, and my neighborhood is taking it's sweet time on getting better. The wife and I wanted out. We wanted some new digs where our kids could run free in cul-de-sacs and our neighbors actually mowed their lawns. Then I realized how whiny we were being.

Reality check. We have a house, we can pay our bills, and we both have jobs. So suck it up and quit bitching Lucas. That's what I told myself. And myself listened. Now I'm happier. Thank you Tony Robbins and your new cheesy-ass show that actually effected me.

Relax

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of work and more work. Of course, I can always find solace in wine, my trusty friend.

Pass the Popcorn

Date Night: As funny as expected. And even funnier if you've been married for awhile with kids.

The Losers: Yes they were. This movie lacked any sort of climax during every single scene. That's actually really hard to do. Congrats on being that noncommittal.

The Ghost Writer: Merely okay. You know it's been a slow movie year when half of the movies the critics recommend are lackluster... and they admit it.

Punch Drunk

LeGarrette Blount needs to quit punching people in the face and then acting like he's the cock of the walk. Seriously, it's not even the punch that bothers me. It's the instantaneous backpedaling, chest pumping, and arm waving that is annoying.

His mannerisms are exactly the same as they were after he hit the Boise guy, which makes it appear like he hasn't changed a bit. His first instinct is to swing. His second instinct is to puff out his chest and keep talking. It's actually pathetic.

But don't tell him I said that! He might track me down and clock me in the face.

A reason to be proud

I was at the park with Sophia, my 3-year-old daughter, this weekend when a 4-year-old little girl decided she wanted to be friends. Before long I was playing double duty parent while her mom sat disinterested on the sidelines. During our second stint on the swings, Sophia looked at me and said, "When I grow up, I want to be a doctor."

The other little girl replied, "When I grow up, I want to be a fire hydrant."

I was quick to respond, "Well, they both help people in a time of need." But on the inside, I was glad my daughter didn't want to be a receptacle for dog piss. Good job kiddo.

Pass the Popcorn: Inception

Inception is a good piece of film making - interesting story, decent acting, and great set pieces. But is it as good as most people are trying to convince themselves it is? Probably not. Is it a lot better than anything else that came out this year? Yes.

A summer of duds has helped Inception to rise above its short falls and slightly annoying ending. But it's definitely worth seeing, and that's all that really matters.

Passing Out with Style

I saw a story on the news last night about a dude who passed out drunk on the road. I’ve only done that once. It was back in my college days, which makes sense – or at least it makes me feel a tiny bit justified. But here’s the difference between my story and the other dude who came-to half naked in the gutter.

I woke up nestled in some bushes, wrapped in quilt. I was almost comfortable. This begs the question, was I even ‘passed out’ drunk. I think not. I’m mean, let’s really look at this. Even if I was three-sheets to the wind, I had the wherewithal to take a quilt with me when I left the house.

Sure, I had one or twelve too many, but as I stepped out the door, I at least thought to myself, “hey you, there’s a good chance you’re not going to make it to wherever you plan on going. Why don’t you take a blanket just in case.”

Of course, that also brings up the Neo and the vase scenario. Had I not brought a blanket with me, would I have still given up and laid down or just kept trudging along? I guess we will never know.

Remember the Goo Goo Dolls? Yeah, I do too. But I'm not letting it bring me down.

JAWS

I thought I was going to be disappointed when I sat down to watch Jaws this morning. It had been awhile since I had seen it and many movies from that era have not aged well (as it was later pointed out by Mr. Strahl, most of the movies I was thinking of 'in this era' actually came from the late 60s, so my comparison was unjust). But disappointed I was not.

In 1975, cinema discovered a new phrase - The Blockbuster. While movies like Gone with the Wind were considered blockbusters because of the money they made over time,  Jaws was the first film to transform the definition into a type of movie; an event that would create lines of eager fans wrapping around city blocks. And as more people crammed into the theaters to see this toothy masterpiece, it became evident they would soon be staying out of the water once the credits rolled.

The best part about Jaws is how well it holds up in 2010. Its story is predicated on human reaction while the fear comes mostly from what you can't see. It's a slow rolling movie that builds tension over its entirety. And in the third act, when you need a payoff, you get to see the biggest damn shark known to man. But not too much of it to realize that it's not real. Something Deep Blue Sea should have thought about.

Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, and Robert Shaw compliment each other masterfully. Each character taking full advantage of the scenes intended to show deep back stories in just a couple of lines. And kudos to Spielberg for not forcing the action, rather, letting the characters build it.

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Pass the Popcorn: Green Zone

Matt Damon is an army officer who decides to buck the system in order to find out why the military is receiving  faulty intelligence during the war in Iraq. Green Zone is one of a many movies that questions our motives for attacking Iraq in 2003. But does it bring anything new to the table like the Hurt Locker did last year? I'd say yes...but mildly.

Green Zone departs from the barrage of Indie-style story lines and character pieces without diving fully into the action-infused likes of Black Hawk Down. What it delivers is stylish scenes that have enough patience to build its climax at an adequate pace - something Michael Bay could take a note from.

While it's not perfect and completely enthralling, it was good the whole way through. It's definitely worth renting.

Second, Please.

While most people say that second place is the first loser, I disagree. Mainly because I perpetually end up getting second place. Unless, of course, there are only two competitors, at which time I get either first or last - take that powers of inductive reasoning.


Seriously though, second place stands on the cusp of awesomeness. I contend that if you get a medal for it, then you are a winner even if that medal is less revered and not used as the standard of which all things are valued. So I commend you, bridesmaids. I tip my hat to you, runner-ups. You are almost good enough to be the best and that's not bad.

So the next time someone tells you that you're a loser for getting second, dismantle them with powerful rhetoric. Inform them that if you are the best at being second, then you are actually first at something, which means you're a winner after all.

Why Chevy is better than Nissan

Because they managed to make an electric car that doesn't look like an electric car. Imagine that. I can buy something that's good for the environment without having to wear it on my sleeve. There are still some of us out there that like to do the right thing without having to admit it. The bottom line is that Chevy still makes cars for men. Even their foo-foo cars are more manly, and I like that.

Chevy Volt

 

Nissan (lame-ass) Leaf

Crazy Cool

The history buff inside me thinks this is awesome. An 18th century ship was just discovered at the World Trade Center construction site. NYC has some great history.

Pass the Popcorn: A Single Man

A Single Man starring Colin Firth is a slow, methodical character pieces that peers into a man's thoughts after he loses his lover of 16 years. The acting is great and the cinematography is interesting (especially the color shifts), but the movie itself bogged down a little too much for my liking. If you're a fan of true character pieces, then this is a movie for you. Otherwise, you might want to skip it.

I'm a fan

The same Dyson that brought us $400 - $600 vacuums is now bringing us equally expensive fans. But these aren’t just any fans. They are air multipliers – no blades, no chopping. Sorry, ninja fans. A lot of industry folks wonder if fans should be so expensive. Then again, should vacuums?

I won’t be shelling out $300 bucks anytime soon for one of these bladeless fans, but I want to. Instead, my $30 5-year-old Black & Decker will keep churning the air through my hallways and my $80 Hoover will clean my carpets. Sorry Dyson. I love your technology. I’m just not willing to pay for it.

And1 Be Lo-Qi

We worked with Kamp Grizzly to produce this And1 spot. Ha, we laughed in the face of a tight budget and timeline.

Hell Week

This week was reminiscent of high school football two-a-days. A body numbing workload that led to at least one person throwing up from exhaustion.

After some series sweat, we finally launched And1's new site. Of course, it took some hardcore cramming, a lot of yelling, and a couple of tears to do it. My mentally recovery is slow. Hopefully, I will be able to blog more soon.

You can check out the site here. Kamp Grizzly helped create the bitchen video on the homepage. The next one is going to be even better. Kudos.

Pass the Popcorn: Movie Roundup

Since prime time TV went on hiatus, I've had more room for the cinema. That's right, I just said cinema. Here's some quick and dirty reviews for you.

Shutter Island: Good flick. Some of the shots seemed forced. The actual "twist" was obvious, but how they played it out was well done. The final line of the movie was a little too cryptic as well. But the result was worth renting.


She's Out of My League: Surprisingly good. I had low expectations, which might have helped. It's a comedy with heart but not so much heart that it becomes a romantic comedy. It doesn't compare to similar movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshal, but it kept me entertained. It's worth renting.

Hot Tub Time Machine: Rude, Crude, and Fun. It had some good references to Cusack's earlier movies, which they really could have pushed further. The gross-out moments weren't too cringe worthy, and the performances were strong. Definitely worth renting.

Legion: A much richer cast than I realized helped this Vengeful God movie out of the gate. The script had some pretty big holes in it, and I'm not talking about plot believability holes. You have to suspend your beliefs quite a bit when watching any movie about an Army of angels sent to kill all mankind. I'm talking about their lack of attack plan, which are more tactic believability holes. Regardless, if you can turn off  your brain, it's a fun ride. Out of all the movies I've seen recently, Legion left the most on the table. The story could have competed much better with the creepy characters. But I wasn't cinematicly offended. Its worth a rent if there's nothing else on the shelf.

The Box: An interesting concept that was taken too far into the realm of the X-Files. The Box left too many questions unanswered for my liking. You can skip this one.

Summer Shoes: And1 Downtime

I got the hook up on some And1 Downtimes, and I have to say that they're pretty comfy sneakers. Similar to the Nike Free, they are lightweight, super breathable, and great for chillin' and training. They retail for 50-60 bucks, which is a great price considering what the Frees cost.

The Downtimes are the first shoe in And1's Lo-Qi category (off court). Here's a camera phone pic. You can see more details on And1's website.

Do you need a band-aid for your boo-boo?

I've been mildly engaged in World Cup Soccer so far. Why not fully engaged? Simple. Soccer on the world stage is full of flops, whining, and crying. It's ridiculous. I couldn't figure it out at first, but when I really started paying attention, all I saw was dudes falling down after being barely brushed by defenders. Then they roll around writhing in "pain" until they get the whistle.

Sure, this happens in other sports. But in soccer, it seems to happen every two minutes. I've never seen so many fragile athletes in my entire life. My one-year-old son can take a bigger hit than that.

Yeah, I know, they're trying to get the whistle and the advantage in the game. But if they would just play and let their talent give them the advantage, it would be a much more fun sport to watch. Really, I blame the refs (or whatever they're called in soccer) for being so damned whistle happy. They need to take a note out of a parenting book; when you're kid is whining, you don't give in. If you do, they simply continue to whine in order to get their way.

So come on, soccer. Man up. Quit being a bunch of pansies in knee-highs and turn your game back into a sport.

Google Chrome is Fast.

I seem to be in the mood to show you all one video after another. So check out how fast Google Chrome is. Was that fast? I'm not sure. I think that was fast.

Pass the Popcorn: Youth in Revolt

On a scale of 1 to shoot myself in the head from boredom, Youth in Revolt sucked ass. Perhaps my expectations were too high. No, check that. I merely expected an entertaining movie. Nothing more. What I got as a lame, tractionaless pile of suck. I am saddened.

In all honesty, the movie was moderately okay. But there have been so many 'moderate' movies lately, I can't take it anymore. Give me something worth watching. I'm sick of mediocrity. I'm tired of laughing three times in an hour and a half. If I wasn't so lazy I would start reading books again. Shame on you, Hollywood.

Good Old 70s Problem Solving! Blow It Up.

I even tricked myself.

I thought I made up a cool quote last night. "Courage is born when fear sticks around to see what happens next." As it turns out, it's a little too close to the General Patton quote, "Courage is fear holding on a minute longer."

I must have heard it at some point and time. Oh well. I'm just not quite as cool as I thought. That doesn't mean I'm still not super cool. I'm just not super awesome cool. I can live with that.

Smurfs get the big screen treatment.

Weekend Lessons: There's no P in my ool.

Last weekend brought 80-degree temps to Portland for the first time all year. It's been so miserable here we actually recorded the highest rainfall total for June ever... and we're only 15 days in. That being said, the kids and I were determined to enjoy the summer sun while we had the chance. And really, it could be worse. We could live in Alaska where you get nearly 24 hours of daylight this time of year. Can you imagine if we had 24 hours of daylight. It wouldn't be the end-all be-all until you added the dreary rain. All you would see is cloudy skies and rain. At least when it gets dark, we forget about the rain a little. Sorry. I digress.

So the kids and I spent some time in the sun. On Saturday, it was all about the backyard plastic pool and sprinklers. We've got a good routine down. Sophia, my 3-year-old, runs around all day and when she needs to pee, she goes in the yard. No harm, no foul. I'm mean we're already out there, she's wet so I don't want her running through the house, and it's not like anybody can see her. This was working out for me until she decided that number one wasn't enough.

While I was staining the deck I noticed that she wasn't in her usual pee stance. It was more of a squat. Then it happened. Number two. I ran over, yelling 'No', but it was too late. The deed was done.

Confused, she said, "but the dog does it. You just need to scoop it up like the dog."

Yup, my daughter told me to scoop her poop, which I did because I couldn't just let it sit there. Picking up the dog's poop is one thing, but there's something far more disturbing about baggying up your kid's poop. It's just not right.

Needless to say, there will be no more peeing or pooping in our backyard from now on.

Pass the Popcorn: Valkyrie

This movie had some decent tension and an interesting look at a piece of history that's often left out of WWII talk. But no one uses a German accent, nor do they even try. Super lame. You could've done better, Valkyrie; historically and cinematically.

A Tough Crowd

My daughter kept following me around this morning asking what song I sang to Henry last night. For the life of me, I couldn't remember. Finally, I gave in and made something up on the spot, "They call him Henry, Henry, 'cause that was his name. Sleeping beside you is his favorite game." (It's fair to note that they were lying next to each other at the time).

I stopped singing and waited for her response. She looked at me, tilted her head to the side, raised her hand (palm facing up) in the patented 'I don't know' way and said, "Daddy, what kind of song is that?"

"I don't know Sophia. I don't know."

Pass the Popcorn: Alice in Wonderland

Tim Burton's remake of Alice in Wonderland was oddly disappointing. The set pieces were interesting, the characters were well done (for the most part), and it was an fresh take on an old story. But the result was disjointed and kind of boring. The movie didn't equal the sum of its parts.

Better than Nike's 3-minute ad.

Turn it Up: The Avett Brothers

My sister turned me onto The Avett Brothers over the holiday weekend, and I have to say that they're a good find indeed. Their newest album, I and Love and You, is pretty good. But for my money, their last disc, Emotionalism, is the best representation of the genre. 

Rest in Peace, Mr. Wooden

The UCLA basketball coach that gave us bits of wisdom like "ability is a poor man's wealth" and "don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do" died this week at age 99. He'll always be remembered as a master motivator who won 7 consecutive championships with UCLA and 88 straight victories.

Pass the Popcorn: The Lovely Bones

Peter Jackson made a departure from epic films like King Kong and Lord of the Rings to direct the supposed emotional thriller The Lovely Bones. What I'm sure was a grippingly sad book to read translated into annoyance on screen. Despite decent performances (not great) the movie drug on while the "in-between" set pieces lacked any sense of actual wonder. At the very least, the script made me hate the villain and lament a family's loss, but I left feeling more empty than sad. It was a mediocre effort.

Home is where you hang your rack

Pass the Popcorn: Iron Man 2

By now you've probably heard all of the critics say that Iron Man 2 was good but not great. I'm here to totally... agree. They've all hit the nail on the head. It's a fun action movie to kick off the summer, but it lacks some of the charm of the first one. I don't think the new characters are too convoluted like a lot of the critics, but I definitely can see why they wish they had more substance. All in all,  it's worth seeing.

Guatemala City Sinkhole

It's so big it looks fake. If I didn't see these images on all of the news outlets, I wouldn't believe this one. That's end of the world big.

Back from Tahoe

Who would have thought I needed to go to 7,600 feet above sea level to get some sun?

Pass the Popcorn: Crazy Heart

Jeff Bridges as the Johnny Cash-eque lead character is broken but not hopeless in this slow roller. The supporting cast also delivers nicely. Anytime a movie takes me into the world of cowboys with demons I can't help but think of my grandpa who passed away some years back. He lived a hard life, but one I look back on with positive memories. So Crazy Heart probably affected me a little more than the normal viewer.

Lost!?* (Spoiler Alert) I think.

I watched the first episode of Lost six years ago and the second half of the last episode. I don't feel like I missed out on much. 

After watching the pilot and hearing the rumblings of fans, I was pretty sure the whole ordeal would be a purgatory situation where everyone had to tackle their demons in order to move on. I think I was right. Of course, I missed a lot of the middle there, so I can't be sure. Then again, I don't know if the dedicated viewers can even be sure.

Luck of the Irish

Most NBA fans counted the Celtics out  going into the playoffs. And righfully so. They hobbled to the finish, losing 7 of their last 10 games. Not the way you want to charge into the post season. But their aging vetrans discovered the fountain of youth while Rondo fully came into his own. Now it's hard not to call the Celtics the favorite going forward.

I bet a 22-ounce microbrew that the Celtics would beat the Magic, and I'm looking forward to cashing in. Of course, like everyone else, I wasn't confident with my pick. I just knew that if Orlando's role players went cold, the men in green had a great chance. And that's exactly what happened.

I"m embracing my one shining moment and hoping they don't completely fold from here on out - I would hate to have to take the blame for a late season jinx. So let's go green. Oh yeah, I also hope the Lakers get whooped.

Will it happen to me?

Yahoo featured an article that gives you 15 clues you may be heading towards a divorce. The one they left off: If you're reading an article hoping it will tell you whether or not you might be heading for divorce.

Nike Touts Best Ad Ever?

 Nope. Wrong. It's got some great moments, but the casual fan gets lost in the storyline. A great ad captivates, motivates, and grips the core, enrolls the casual, and inspires the fringe. The specific athlete stories in this ad don't translate to those beyond the core. It would have more impact if were broken up into three or four separate pieces and run as individual spots in a campaign. The casual and fringe consumers wouldn't get as confused but still get wrapped up in the action. It's a montage of cliche soccer scenes mixed with too many stories. Good but not great.

Facebook is the Matrix

Forget about A.I. robots and being plugged into giant machines. Facebook is the one that will rule our existence. In recent months, Facebook has started linking to our likes and dislikes. It asks us what we want to consume so advertisers can target psychographics better. But in reality, Facebook is studying us. Finding out our strengths and weaknesses. Observing. Preparing.

Today I read that Facebook currency holds legitimacy in the world market. That's right. Facebook has essentially created a currency that handles exchange rates at checkout so your 3 credits work the same in any country. It's possible this could catch on.

Sure, it sounds smart. But is it too smart? Facebook is standardizing our money, becoming the standard for currency across the globe. Observing our spending habits, studying, preparing, plotting.

The movies had it wrong. It's won't be a giant robot that takes over the human race. It will be Facebook. Like or be exterminated...

So How's the Weather?

Portland weather sucks. Everyone that lives here says, "yeah, but wait until summer. Those months make all the rain worth it." That, my friends, is bullsh**. I've never been around so much rain in my entire life. It's like a black hole of suck. Rain, then a little bit of sun, and then more rain.

Last year was just a tease. We actually had a spring. It sucked me in and then sucked the life out of me. Like those damn vampires in Twilight. That's why they filmed those crap-ass movies in the Northwest. They saw the connection. The weather and vampires just sucking the life out of people.

It's too bad. Portland is such a cool town. The weather just sucks. Portland needs to move. That would be cool. If Portland moved, I would follow it. Unless it moved to Washington.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Great idea. Okay execution. Disappointed no one got slimed.

iPhony

Yahoo asked 'why the iPhone does so well without being the best'. The answer is simple. Tech consumers have a hard-on for Apple. Simple as that. Ask anybody in the creative industry what kind of computer they have and they'll scoff at you like that shouldn't even be a question. Of course it's a MacBook Pro. Of course they have an iPhone. Of course their iPad is being shipped today. The creative industry is dog loyal to apple and they're not afraid to admit it. And since it's a creative's job to recognize trends, market goods, and design ads, they've become pretty convincing brand ambassadors in their personal lives. They sell in everyone they meet and Apple cashes the checks.

The folks making the new Windows ads probably cringe as they concept and edit their commercials on Macs; secretly planting subliminal messages that counter-sell Apple to the unsuspecting public. It's a skinny jean conspiracy that won't end until Steve Jobs rules the world.

So do I have an iPhone and a MacBook? No. Do I want one? Of course I do. I work for an advertising agency. It would be blasphemy for me to think otherwise. At least that's what my creative director tells me everyday as I check my email on my Droid. Hey, back off! I can't get good reception with AT&T at my house. Now if you'll excuse me, I think my computer is about to crash.

Good but a bit Nutty

I just had a conversation with my boss that led down the path of ridiculously priced things. Then I remembered this gem. The world's most expensive coffee comes from Indonesia and sells for roughly $50 a cup. But why is it so pricey? Because it's hard to come by. Oh, and it's made from partially digested coffee beans that are picked out of palm civet poop. Could be a monkey. Maybe it's a weasel. Kind of looks like a cat. Regardless, it's got some tasty poop.

Kopi Luwak sells this stuff for $600 a pound but at least you get this cool box to put it in.

The poop coffee makes me think of all the other things that I could make more expensive by digesting. Maybe diamonds taken from celebrity excrement. The possibilities are endless.

What's Up, Bra!

Joel McHale of The Soup and NBC's Community is a funny dude who's obviously taken his role as the suave community college funnyman seriously. Wow, that was a lot of adjectives. Since landing the role, he's gotten increasinly ripped. Not that I try to pay attention to that sort of thing, but let's be honest; the dude has his shirt off in every episode. He is now creepily buff and looks like he's sporting man boobs. Buff man boobs, but man boobs nonetheless.

Joel McHale, I like the funny but lay off the bench press. Your pecks are taking over and it's creeping me out.

Pass the Popcorn: Couples Retreat

I heard bad review after bad review regarding this movie but a couple of my friends said, "Give a go. It's actually pretty good." So I did. And I regret that now. What starts off as a promising storyline turns into a mediocre  yawner halfway through. Every actor in Couples Retreat is more talented than this movie offers. Yes, there are a couple of funny moments in the first half, but the forced second and third act leave you wondering when it's going to end not how it's going to end. And that's never a good thing.

Vince Vaughn's quick banter is good - but nothing you can't get from any one of his other films. And Jon Favreau's portrayal of an out of shape jock is lack luster at best. They made magic in Swingers but here, only yawns. Grown up humor or not, this movie sucks and I want my two hours back.

P90XXX

Day 10 and things are going good. I haven't really skipped any days. It's a little challenging getting the kids going in the morning while working out, but if I can listen to my iPod, watch Sports Center, and flip through a magazine at the same time, then the morning routine should be no problem.

So am I seeing results? Actually, yes. Nothing dramatic but it feels good. The one thing that I do notice is all of the porn star faces the X crew makes during workouts. Not that I know what a porn star's face looks like. The chick in the chest and back workout, in particular, goes old school with her O face. She even looks like she could be found in an 80s German porn flick. It creeps me out every time. I never knew shoulder circles could be so pleasing for the ladies. Now if I could just get my wife to realize that.

New Shoes, Maybe

I've been needing a pair of new shoes for the last 4 months. My Saucony Courageous sneakers have been solid for almost a year, but it's time to move on. I'm just not sure what to get. I'm leaning towards the Nike Trainer Low but don't really want to spend that much. My biggest hurdle is that I don't wear different shoes everyday. I may have a couple of pairs, but I usually stick to one until they're completely worn out. So they have to work with jeans, shorts, on the trail, and on the town.

I'm supposed to be getting the hook up on some And1 Downtimes at work, but the gravy train is a little slow to the station this time. Pretty soon I'll have to break down and actually pay for something. Any recommends out there?

Wisdumb

Marriage is like insurance. You keep paying the premium to feel secure but chances are you probably won't ever get anything in return.

Upper Playground

If I was cooler, I would buy this Upper Playground Warsaw Houndstooth hoodie. I guess I would have to be less broke too. Details, details.

Flying Solo

The wife and kids are gone for the next couple of days. On the inside I vow to work late and hit the bar for some serious socializing. To be a man's man. To watch sports, play pool, and slap waitresses on the ass when they walk by.  To say things like, "Hey chickadee and what's it to ya."

Of course, I always end up going home and watching TV by myself instead. No matter how much I think I'm the second coming of the world's most interesting man, I know I'll end up passing on the Dos Equis for whatever's on tap. Not a lot of intrigue here. My 5 o'clock shadow doesn't adhere to daylight savings time. And I do have a feminine side, but I'm afraid to show it.

So here's to being a normal middle-aged dad. A hero in my own mind. Don Quixote's long lost cousin. The dude that's only on day 8 of P90X.