You've Been Learned

According to DidYouKnow.cd, about 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace. This is called propinquity.

I guess that means that the other 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of where somebody else grew up. I'm sure if I think about that, I can easily argue that it is wrong. I just feel like it.

Not Messin’ Around

Alright, I’ll admit that I laugh in the face of snow. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a little bit of white menace that can be brushed aside. Snow is like the skinny white guy in baggy pants acting gangster. Snow is Vanilla Ice and Danny Bonaduce. Ohhh, look at the snow. It’s so cute when it gets angry.

But tomorrow there’s a chance we may get freezing rain. Not even I am dumb enough to mock the freezing rain Gods. That stuff doesn’t mess around. It’s basically tiny car crashes falling from the sky. It’s droplets of power outages covering the ground. It is 4x4 trucks sliding down driveways, tree branches crushing un-expecting rooftops. Freezing rain is Charles Manson and the guy who shot 50 cent. It’s bad news with every potential to stop the presses.

And as much as I laughed at the snow storm while driving my car without chains, I will respect the freezing rain and stay home. I will buy my extra water. I will make sure my candles have wicks. Achilles had his heel, Sampson could lose his hair. I have freezing rain.

Just kidding. Freezing rain is for women and small children. Bring it on Jack Frost!

This video has been on YouTube for awhile now, but it's still awesome. Check out the kid in the blue shirt trying to steal some of the spotlight. Either that, or he just can't control his urge to groove. I dig little man. Sometimes you just can't fight the power...the power of dance.

You’ve Been Learned

Chances are you’ve heard the term “non-sequitur” before. Heck, it was even the name of a comic strip. But what does it actually mean? You probably have a faint idea, but here is the the actual meaning. Non-Sequitur is Latin for “it does not follow.” So it is something they may not be logical or supported by facts. Kind of like my blog.

Pans Ho bitches! That’s Oh Snap backwards – except for the bitches part. That’s normal.

Give Me a Break

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t think I’m the king ding-a-ling of winter or anything. I did grow up in Montana, and I have been exposed to winter-like conditions before. I’m well aware that that doesn’t make me special. I also can understand how someone who is not used to such conditions would have a little bit of trouble when the snow starts to fly. That being said, however, I do have a problem with the Doom and Gloom mentality of the local news stations regarding their coverage of this weekend’s storm.

I sat through 1-hour of local news yesterday morning. Every 5-minutes I received an update from some “very concerned” reporter on location. “The wind is blowing. And as you can see, there are a couple of snow flakes coming down.”

Holy crap! Stop the presses. Do we really need five reporters on location to show us how “nasty” 2-inches of snow can be? Yes, the roads get slick. But this is not the end of the world. If you have chains, put them on. If not, you slow down and avoid some of the hills.

But this big hullabaloo about “if you don’t have to leave your house today, don’t,” is a little over the top even for Portland. We get 2 of these storms every year. Get use to it. Leave your house early. Drive slower. And don’t watch the news unless you want an update on the end of civilization as we know it…Because in weather like this, even hell can freeze over. Dun, dun, dun.

Let It Snow.

We're supposed to get a couple of inches of snow in Portland this weekend, which is cool. The ski hills around the area are expecting several feet on Sunday. Follow that up with a week's worth of high temps in the low 20s, and I'd say winter has finally nestled into the northwest.

What's in a name?

Do you ever Google yourself, but when you click on your name, someone else shows up? I never knew I was so possessive about my name until I found out that some douche bag on a Go-Kart has been using it. Who the hell are you, Go-Kart guy?

The worst part is that he’s probably sitting at home staring at his computer saying “Why does some dumb ass from Portland keep using my name to fill the web with worthless fodder?” Damn this cycle of irony!

Invisible Monsters

I recently read “Invisible Monsters” by Chuck Palahniuk. Where do I begin? This book was written as a statement to the publishers who didn’t want to pick up “Fight Club” because they thought it was too disturbing. This is was his F-You to the mainstream.

That being said, Monsters was one of the most sexually perverse and sadistic books I’ve ever read or can imagine reading. It’s hard to get through the first 100 pages not only because of the content, but because his story structure resembles that of buck shot. It’s like he wrote a book, individually cut out every paragraph, shuffled them up and pasted them back together.

I cannot in good conscience recommend this book to anyone. However, if your mind frequently travels to dark places like my own, I can say you will be intrigued. By the time I finished "Invisible Monsters” I was contented. I enjoyed the payoff of the story, and I’ve always been a fan of Palahniuk’s writing style. I anxiously await his new material. But at the same time, I’m a little worried about that fact.

Hey Fella

Next week I turn 28-years-old, and I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it. I’m no longer a kid, but I don’t really feel like an adult. I’m holding on tight to my boyish good looks, but wouldn’t mind resembling a man. So what does that make me?

As far as I can figure, it makes me a fella – ‘goodfella,’’ badfella,’ or even just a ‘hey fella.’ It’s not so bad being a fella. It’s better than being a ‘hey you’ or ‘that guy.’ I suppose fella is a good non-descript description of what I am or maybe of what I’m not. I’m young but have a family. I’m responsible but immature. I’m driven and lazy – not too much of one and thing and not too little of another. I seem to fall right there in the middle.

Maybe that means I’m just the right amount. Not being too much or too little of something focuses on the ‘not.’ Perhaps I need to focus on the ‘am?’ I suppose that’s what a fella would do.

Congress may step in

A Texas congressman is writing a bill that will make it illegal to promote a College BCS National Championship game without using a playoff system. The bill "will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a 'national championship' football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice." - as quoted by ESPN.com.

I can only imagine that congressmen have more dire things to think about in this brief moment in history. However, a playoff system would be pretty bad-ass in college football. Maybe a Hawaiian congressman will finally step up and make wearing socks with sandals a violation of the Obviously Not in Good Taste Act. The possibilities are endless. Of course, we might also want to consider stabilizing the economy and reducing our dependence on foreign oil. But in the meantime, can you imagine a California where it’s against the law to wear a fanny packs in conjunction with Khaki shorts? Or a world that finally recognizes that Futbol is actually called Soccer? It's crazy!

The Bloody Show?
(Eric beware, this is slightly graphic)

I try not to question a lot of things in life (this is actually a false statement. I question just about everything). Well then how about, I don’t a let a lot of gruesome hospital things bother me (that works, but I should really limit my internal dialogue while writing – Point taken).

Regardless, my wife just had another weekly exam because we’re getting down to last couple of weeks in her pregnancy. After the appointment, I went back to work and tried to determine a rough estimate of where she’s at in her pre-labor timeline. This is where I was reminded about all of those fun terms used to describe the body. The one I can’t quite get out of my head, however, is the “bloody show.” Do they really have to call it that?

I understand it accurately describes what happens down there (the female’s mucus plug dislodges and exits the body). But really, the bloody show? This is not a form of entertainment we are all tuning into. They didn’t pull out this label when naming the “period.” And I’m pretty sure it’s because people don’t want to be reminded about what’s actually happening down there. It’s a little disturbing.

So instead of the “bloody show,” maybe we can refer to this event as the “red storm.” (No, that one more accurately describes the period). Or perhaps, we could call it the “prelude,” the “hyphen,” or even the “pink genie.” It’s just a thought.

Out Smart the Market.

The recent downturn in real estate has really affected the economy. Luckily, I invested all of my money in real estate on the moon. And my mom and dad thought that I wouldn’t amount to anything.

The Thought of the Day

I’ve come to realize that the reward for solving someone’s problems is being handed more problems.

O.J. now stands for Orange Jumpsuit

Yes, I am clever. Anyway, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to as many as 33-years in prison today for his involvement in an attempted robbery in Las Vegas. He will be eligible for parole after nine of those years.

I’m an advocate for tough sentencing, but if you compare the judgment to other outcomes for armed robbery, it sure seems a little stiff. According to TotalCriminalDefense.com, the state court’s average sentence for armed robbery is 6.5 years while the federal court’s average only increases to 9.

Perhaps I don’t have all of the information dealing with the Simpson case, but it sure seems like he was sentenced for more than the Las Vegas incident.

You've been learned

In medical terminology the word "stat" obviously means quickly. But what was it derived from? Stat is actually short for the Latin word "Statim," which means immediately. So there you have it.

A Good Day

You know it's going to be a good day when it's 9 in the a.m. and your urine already smells like coffee. That means your body is fueled up and ready to roll.

It’s Official

They officially declared that our economy is in a recession. I don’t know who “they” are, but I think they are a couple of weeks late on this one.

The Joys of Parenthood

My daughter has reached the ripe old age of 19-months. And with that milestone, she has also developed several habits that make life as a parent much more trying – I mean fun. One being that my little angel has mastered the phrase “why?”

You would think that you could reason with the why, but you can’t. Sure, I come up with answers just as quickly as she can spout out her retort, but it gets exhausting. It’s to the point now where I’m starting to think that she doesn’t even care about what I have to say. In fact, I’m not entirely sure she even knows what why means. For example, this morning the following occurred:

“No honey, you can’t watch Blues Clues now.”
“Why?”
“Because daddy is watching ESPN.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s my morning ritual.”
“Why?”
“Because I work at a sports advertising firm, and I like to be up-to-date on the current issues.”
“Why?”
“So I can keep my job and afford to buy you all of that stupid shit you never play with but for some reason mommy thinks you still need.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure, maybe you should ask mommy about that.”
“Mommy, here?”
“No, mommy is sleeping.”
“Why?”

This is cute if you are watching a friend’s kid for an hour or two. This is cute if you’re visiting a relative and you want to show them how understanding and relaxed you are as a parent. This is not cute at 7 in the morning everyday of the week.

Black Friday may not save you green!

The day after Thanksgiving is the kickoff of the holiday shopping season, but that doesn't mean it's the best time of year to shop. I read last year that statistically speaking, the weekend before Christmas offers the best all around deals. I know that it’s hard to ignore the hullaballoo that surrounds Black Friday, but is it really worth the effort?

If you’re in the market for a plasma TV or a laptop computer, you can find some great deals by heading to the stores before dawn, but does the average consumer really have these big ticket items on their lists? I, for one, don’t. So this year I scanned the deals in the papers, but did most of my shopping online. Here’s what I found.

I got the same deal plus free shipping by doing my shopping on the web. In fact, I went out for a couple of hours on Friday to see what the fuss was about, but instead of getting the deal of the century, I only got a headache. I found that most stores only allow a small handful of people actual get the door buster prices. So even if you were in line at 5 a.m., you still may leave empty handed. At Joe’s Sporting goods for example, they had a GPS unit that was $150 dollars off. But if you weren’t one of eight people with the magic ticket, you had to keep shopping. Oddly enough, that was the only GPS unit on sale in the store. So all of those people who didn’t score the big deal ended up buying full price gear purely because they were amidst the shopping frenzy. I, however, went home and bought a unit online that was $60 cheaper than it was in the store.

At Toys R Us I found that a lot of toys were on sale, but none of the ones I was looking for. Best Buy offered a handful of deals, but nothing I couldn’t get online. And Target had just as many deals on Saturday as they did on Friday. All of this added up for a whole lot of wasted hype for me.

It's funny how excited people get at the idea of spending money when in fact there is a really good chance they are paying full price for most of their items. Of course, maybe I just need to be added more big ticket items to my shopping list.

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!

It's hard to buy into this guy completely. But watch this video anyways. Don't stop it after two minutes and be like "whatever, he doesn't know me." Watch the whole damn thing because truth be told, he hits the nail on the head. If you're not willing to sacrifice for it, then you don't really want it...Or you just want something else a little more.

It's not about getting rich. It's about having the drive within yourself to make a change in your life. If nothing else, he bring a lot of passion to the table, which is a good start for anybody.

Does this dance make me look too feminine?

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Rates of new cancer diagnoses have fallen for the first time ever. Yeah! But lung cancer diagnoses actually increased in 18 states. Boo. Smoking is bad!

Electric Baby

I like working on my house, but recently, the outlets in my kitchen went out. I replaced the GFIs and that didn't work. Now I'm moving on to the breaker box. This scares me a little. I'm not a fan of poking and prodding around large electrical sources. Perhaps the time I shocked myself through a bad outlet has stuck with me more than I thought. Or maybe it was that time I got tangled up in that electric fence. Although, it could also be all of those times I shocked myself with my wife's stun gun to make sure it would stop an attacker. Regardless, as much as I enjoy working on my house, I prefer leaving electricity to the professionals. Keep your finger's crossed for me.

That’s what drives me nuts!

I can’t stand it when people are waiting at a red light and they leave 20-30 feet between them and the car in front of them. This is so ridiculous. When you’re stopped at a light, there’s no reason why you can’t be right up on the car in front of you. Traffic gets backed up in cities not because there are too many cars on the road, but because people are inefficient drivers.

I was trying to cross traffic at a busy intersection the other day when I was confronted with this problem. Because the parking lot I was in was right next to a light, I didn’t have a large window to cross traffic. The lane I was going into had a red light, so I waited for one more car to pass in front of me before I pulled into the lane. I was halfway across the yellow line when the Jack Ass in front of me stopped at the red light – with 20 feet between her car and the car in front of her. I pulled up as far as I could behind her, but I was still sticking halfway out into oncoming traffic.

I thought the lady would (a) notice I was two inches from her bumper and move up, or at least (b) notice the car behind her had no place to go and needed her to move up. Instead, she just sat there oblivious. As oncoming traffic got closer I had to honk at her to get her attention. She just looked at me like I was out of my mind. Finally, I had to use hand signals to literally tell her to move up, so I wouldn’t get hit by a car. She finally did, but acted inconvenienced the whole time.

Well excuse me, lady. My bad for thinking you know how to drive. I’m so sorry you had to actually utilize that extra 20 feet in front of you, so I wouldn’t block traffic. I didn’t realize your personal bubble extended beyond your car. And you don’t’ even drive a nice car. It’s not like you need to protect that piece of crap from a fender bender. I’m not one to get road rage, but this was ridiculous.

I’m Not a Crook!

My wife found out yesterday that my 19-month-old daughter is a crook. Yes, it’s true. I’ve raised a felon.

My wife was on one of her many trips to Target with the kiddo to pick up a number of things yesterday when the incident took place. With Sophia locked down in the stroller, my wife perused the aisles. She checked out and made her way to car just as Sophia started to get fussy. By the time Malinda buckled Sophia into her car seat, she was in full cranky mode. Malinda grabbed the blanket from the stroller and handed it to Sophia only to realize that Sophia was already holding her blanket. Yup, my daughter lifted a brand new blanket from Target right under my wife’s nose.

Here’s the kicker. Because Malinda was just as tired and cranky as the kid, she kept the blanket! That makes my wife an accessory to corporate theft. And I thought I knew her after all of these years. At least I’m not a crook.

Ripped Off!

Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man alive! I was that close. Man, maybe next year.

Pube Free Please

Why do most urinals in the men’s room have at least one stray pubic hair resting precariously by the flusher? Furthermore, how does the damn thing get there? You would have to be taking care of your business pretty aggressively to break free enough pubes so that one makes its way to the top of the flusher. And since your hand is already flushing, you might as well brush the thing away instead of leaving it there for the world to see. So to all of you male urinary participants, let’s work on making our public restrooms precariously-resting pube free.

Twilight?

My wife just bought this book and read it in about four days - the whole time raving about how amazing it was. I’m half tempted to NOT read it at all only because she freaked out so much. Heroin addicts scoring a free lifetime supply of smack would have a more subdued reaction than my wife had. Seriously, can it really be that good, or is it simply a chick novel?

Does your friend have a sister?

The Mayor of an Australian city publically asked more women to move to his town because the male to female ratio was 5 to 1. The oddity is that he asked for slightly homely women to make the move stating that it would be a good opportunity for them.

First of all, if you’re ugly, do you really look in the mirror and say “yup, he’s talking about me. I can’t do any better because I’m hideous.” I mean really. Can you imagine moving to a town solely with the idea of getting a date? There’s got to be a better way. Secondly, what if you move to that town and all of the dudes are chumps? That’s a whole lot of work for nothing. And finally, what happens if you are ugly and you move to a town where the odds are hugely in your favor, but you still get turned down. That would hurt anybody’s feelers.

I’d say if you’re going to go out on limb and call for ladies to come your way, you might as well aim high. Ask for hotties. What do you have to lose?

Fantasy Football...

Sucks! I rack up the points every week and still lose because the only other player to score more than me just so happens to be my opponent for the week. I'm exhausted from complaining about it. But just when I ready to move on, Sunday rolls around and the same thing happens. I don't know why I torture myself with all of this failure.

Las Vegas

So the wife and I are in Vegas. That was the surprise vacation she had been planning for the last couple of weeks. I have to admit that it’s been fun, but I wasn’t very surprised. I figured it out a little while ago. You can call me genius, but I prefer the mentalist. What’s even more impressive is that I also figured out that we were going to see a Jason Mraz concert as well.

I wasn’t trying to ruin any surprises. In fact, I didn’t even do any snooping. I just put together a couple of subtle clues and BAM, there is the answer. The funniest part about it is that I actually surprised my wife with a new wedding ring once we got here. And she wasn’t expecting anything. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. I would be happier about the whole wedding ring thing, but I had to buy her a new one because she lost the first one, which kind of sucks.

Oh well. Regardless, my eight and half month pregnant wife and I are going to hit the town. We may not be the most scandalous couple in town, but we’re still having a good time.

A Mystery

My wife is taking me on a mystery vacation this weekend. She refuses to give me any details because she wants it to be a surprise. I hate surprises, but I love vacations. I guess that means I don’t really know how to feel about the whole thing. I was able to trick her into revealing that the trip involves an estimated 2.5 hour flight. That limits our weekend getaway to the west coast. I’ll crack her before the time comes.

The Longest Day

Work has been hectic lately. Deadlines, presentations, and more deadlines begin and end every day. But It’s a good hectic. This past Monday, my crew and I traveled to Oakland to film a short sales meeting video. We crammed it all into one day of torture. The morning started at 4 in the a.m. and ended at midnight thirty. It was grueling and exhausting but most of all, it was fun.

I was a writer, a production assistant, and a bartender all in the name of work. Sure, I’m having a hard time functioning today because my eyes are as heavy as bricks, but if this is what a long, hard day at work feels like, I can’t complain. Well I could complain, but it wouldn’t be fair to all of those people who have to work 12 hour shifts slinging lumber or something.

Wait a Minute!

I woke up this morning after a very anticlimactic election night and looked anxiously out my window. I peered left and then right, up and then down. But I didn't see anything. I was desperately searching for change, but everything looked the same.

After thousands of people cheered and cried in the streets, you're telling my I still have to wait for change. After all of the speeches and commercials, change isn't immediate. This sucks. I want my change.

It's Crazy!

My Kiddo Is Kute.

because I said so.

Kids are the only thing I can think of that can have you on the verge of insanity one minute and gushing with love and pride the next. That's the beauty of life I guess.

Behold! My latest Ad.

BaileyWorks is going to run the first ad in one of their campaigns soon. It's a great concept and was fun to work on. Furthermore, I had to do a capacity test for their Super Pro messenger bag to make sure my calculations were correct for some information I'm including in their new website, and I'm proud to say my calculations were almost dead on.

I was able to fit 66 cans of beer in their medium sized Super Pro bag. I calculated that I should be able to fit 68, however, I didn't pack the bag as carefully as I should have. This means that 68 cans is by no means a stretch.

I filmed it for proof and will be uploading that shortly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of beer that needs to be drank (not sure if that is the correct tense for drink); 66 cans to be exact.

Yeah, pretty much.

I'm pretty excited for this year's election. Since I live in Portland, Ore., most people are all jazzed up because they hate Bush and love Obama. I get it, but that's not why I'm really excited. You see, I think both McCain and Obama can bring about some good things. They both have strengths and they both have weaknesses. I'm mostly excited, however, because everybody else is. People have been moping around for so long, it brought down the vibe of the city. Now, there's an honest positive buzz about the the future. And even though I don't think the outcome of the election is as life or death as a lot of people are claiming, I'm kind of hoping that Obama wins. If nothing else, it will shut up all of those really outspoken left wing political junkies. And since I live in a predominantly liberal town, I get to hear a great deal of liberal propaganda.

I'm not saying that the right wing fanatics aren't just as bad. I'm just not surrounded my them. I'm glad people have passion when it comes to politics. But being passionately engaged and verbally crude towards another person simply because of their political beliefs is unfounded. I'm an advocate for crude humor, but crude hatred has no place in my life.

So let's all be excited together. Right wing, left wing, chicken wings; it doesn't really matter. Regardless of what happens, things will change. And the more engaged the general public becomes, the more things will continue to change.

Oh yeah, I'm also happy to have all of those local political ads finally pulled from TV. Those spots are annoying.

Really, Greg Oden!

So I'm trying to be a Blazers fan now that I'm living in Portland, and I hope their first game isn't a sign of things to come. The much anticipated debut of Greg Oden ended after he tweaked his foot 3-minutes into the game. After missing his entire rookie year, he couldn't even make 1-quarter without getting hurt.

If you can't make it through 1-quarter, maybe you should try another profession. If you've have three injuries before you complete 5-minutes of regular season play, perhaps you're not worth the hype. I'm just saying maybe the savior of Blazers basketball shouldn't be wrapped up into a 7-foot scarecrow that has trouble staying on his feet.

I'm not jumping off the P-Town bandwagon, but I think I'll have a little more leg room as everyone else makes their exit.

Tug-O-War

The Microsoft/Apple advertising tug-o-war continues. Oddly enough, Microsoft is only slightly tugging, and Apple is warring.

In recent ad campaigns, Microsoft has tried to connect to its consumers on a more emotional level. Their first attempt included several ads featuring Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. After the ads fell short, they were replaced with a series of spots that try to show consumers that PC users encompass all professions – most of which aren’t boring. You know the ads “I’m a PC, and I’ve been made into a stereotype.”

It’s nice to see Microsoft trying to build their brand beyond the corporate juggernaut that they are. For so long, they have been thought of as a greedy, numbers and figures company. And after the recent success of Apple’s “I’m a Mac” campaign, they are finally starting to realize that there is something to this whole branding thing. Your product doesn’t simply live on 6-square-feet of shelf space in Wal-Mart.

What I find interesting is Apple’s rebuttal campaign. Perhaps it’s because we’re in the middle of the political season, but Apple is using their recent ads to attack Microsoft’s tactics rather than promote themselves. Even if what they are saying is true, it still comes across as being on the defensive, which I find interesting.

I’m not advocating PCs over Macs, but I am intrigued with the ideology behind the recent change in tone of the Apple ads. Most of their previous spots included some sort of comparison where the Mac always came across as being hipper and more user friendly. Their last two spots, however, leave the direct comparisons on the cutting room floor. Instead, Apple is simply pointing out the flaws in Microsoft’s thinking. So let the politickin’ begin.

Ah ha!

Gas has dropped to a nostalgic $2.85 a gallon at my local gas station. This, my friends, is a beautiful thing. Now, all of the people who pretended that they wanted to go green in order to help the environment can quietly go back to “not caring.” A sigh of relief, I’m sure.

It makes me think back to June of this last year when all of the analysts were predicting the inevitable increase of gas prices to an amazing $5.00+ a gallon. This prompted hordes of individuals to sell their gas guzzling vehicles for compact cars, thus tanking the market for trucks – I kept my truck, however. I feel even worse for all of those people who jumped onto the $2.99 a gallon gas guarantee offered by Dodge/Chrysler. In most cases, these consumers had to opt out of a several thousand dollar rebate offer in order to lock in the low gas rate.

I can’t help but blame the media for generating the nation-wide panic. There’s still no doubt that we need to keep developing more fuel efficient vehicles and looking for alternative sources, but there’s also no need for scare tactic journalism, which only causes knee jerk reactions and volatile market swings.

Yes, the cost of a barrel of oil increased to record highs, but most of us would have dealt with it differently if we didn’t have to hear about it every night on the news. “Gas prices rise again. Beware, the end of the world is near.”

Yet, when things start going the other direction, we hear nothing. $2.85 a gallon! I can’t remember the last time I paid that. But we don’t hear anything about it because all the news outlets want to report on is the volatile stock market.

“The market went down again today. Beware, the end of the world is near.”

Quote of the day from Police Chief Martin Brody in Jaws:

"Smile you Son-of-a-Bitch!"

Harper is getting bigger.

The Bad Guy

We all love a good hero’s story. But do we really like seeing the underdog win, or do we simply like seeing the bad guy lose? We all have come across that one person who we just can’t stand. Their despicableness keeps us up at night. How do they get away with acting like that? They are the people who you wish ill fortune upon. And if you’re thinking “I never wish ill fortune upon anyone” right now, you’re living a lie.

When’s the last time you met someone and immediately thought “wow, I hope that person gets whatever they want out of life?” Now, when’s the last time you met someone and immediately thought “wow, I hope they get hit by a bus the next time they cross the street? Not killed, but hurt.” Admit it, more times than you’d care to acknowledge. The fact is we like to see bad people lose more than we like to see good people win.

That’s why this year’s World Series is going to be slightly boring. There’s no one to root against. Both teams have good stories. Both teams have nice guys on their rosters. Both teams are worthy of taking home the title. There’s no one to root against, which means if you’re not a huge fan of either side, there’s no one to really root for. And let’s face it, both of those teams don’t have the biggest fan base.

Finally Giving Some Love to the Backyard

It was a jungle when we moved in.

But now it's starting to resemble a yard.

We used the bricks that were left here to make a patio. The grass is starting to come in. Next up, the deck.

It never fails.

I actually went out last night and had some drinks, which means I didn't get home until 1 in the a.m. My daughter has slept in until 7:30 or 8:00 this entire week, but this morning she was jumping on my bad at 6:25 a.m. Seriously! It never fails.

A Quote By Lucas:

The only difference between iconic and ironic is one letter.

F.Y.I. and A.K.A.

I hate cheering for the Cowboys! But Tony Romo is on my fantasy football team, so I have no choice. I’ve basically sold my soul to the devil. Oddly enough, I sold my soul to the devil when I started liking the Yankees, but that didn’t really bother me. I suppose this time I’m just not getting a fair price.

Ughhh!

I feel like I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed this entire week. Lack of sleep, poor diet, and no exercise have exhausted me. It’s never good when you have to drink coffee in the morning and an energy drink in the afternoon and still can’t keep your eyes open. Maybe if I push my bed against the wall, I’ll be forced to wake up on the right side of it. Or maybe I should just heavily sedate myself before I go to sleep.

It's not you. It's me. Fine, it's you.

The stock market takes its biggest plunge in several years over the course of a week…The government bails out the banks… The stock market continues to fall… Every news cast across America starts telling us the best way to get out, and just when everybody starts jumping ship, the market has its biggest climb (11% or 900+ points) since 1933.

This is like a bad relationship I had in college once. Now I’m just waiting for the market to show up at my door at 2 a.m., crying and apologizing for its emotional state. At which point, I will let it in for the night. Only to realize a week later that nothing has really changed. Damn you stock market, for bringing up the emotional scars from my past.

Is it already Tuesday? I'm mentally three days behind the rest of the world.

A thought I had today...

Easter was basically April Fool’s day for Jesus.

Because I can’t comment on Don Joseph Kingsley’s Blog:

Donnie actually thought “The Happening” wasn’t that bad. He said, “A lot better than I expected considering all the people who told me it was terrible. It was not terrible.”

This is a case of having such low expectations for a crappy movie that the viewer actually feels a slight sense of euphoria when the film doesn’t burn out his or her retinas. This is a common occurrence in life. If you set yourself up for disappointment, it’s easier to be satisfied with the outcome. That being said, Donnie should know better than to advocate such a feeling before understanding the ramifications of his misconceptions. Like a drunken one-night-stand with a homeless hooker, it always seems like a better idea that it really is.

I went into the movie without any preconceived notions and came out utterly disappointed. I witnessed several good actors coming off as complete amateurs, which usually falls on the director and script. The tension was limp and the story line has been done before. Although it’s not a remake, it was by no means “original storytelling.” I’m giving Donnie a cyber back hand right now. Did you feel that Donnie?

I guess I can look at my review as an act of Good Samaritanism. By setting the reading public’s expectations so low, they may actually not want to kill themselves after watching this pile. That’s my good deed for the day.

E-mail Fodder

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

And the winner is…

No one! So even though I don’t really like the modern debate format, last night’s duel wasn’t that bad. The candidates were able to get up and walk around, which felt more engaging, and the banter was a little more on point.

In the end, what did we learn? McCain looks awfully uncomfortable wielding a microphone with his nonfunctioning bionic shoulders. I totally respect the guy. He’s more of a man that I’ll ever be, but walking around with a microphone is not his strong suit; at least not visually. Both candidates still love to interpret the same facts in different ways, which is brilliant for all of us confused Americans who don’t have a clue about what’s actually going on. But at least they broke the issues down, so we can be more confused in greater detail.

After a full hour and a half of back and forth wordplay, I think the night ended in a tie. That’s like playing an entire game and still having to go to overtime…Exhausting. The worst case scenario would be a hard fought overtime. McCain might take the term “sudden death” too literally. And then who would run in his place, Palin? Instead of tax returns, we would be refunded in Moose Drool Ale. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s not a bad idea.

An Overdue Feud

I apologize to all three of my faithful readers for my shear lack of posts over the last couple of weeks. Fortunately for me, I’ve been bogged down at work, which takes up most of the creative brain power I have allotted for each day. By the time I get home, I am mush. I have also been immensely satisfied with my lot in life as of late. This leaves little room for me to garner hatred towards those who make me feel like I am completely underperforming; a deadly combination for someone whose humor is based on depression and a low self esteem.

The good news is that I am starting to feel a rhythm in my new work environment and should be functioning at a more efficient level shortly. And because I can never allow myself to be too happy for too long, I’m sure I will find some reason to jump into a downward spiral of self loathing. At that point, I will start to berate all that I see once again. I will tear down those that leave themselves vulnerable and laugh at the misery of the world. If I run out of sugar for my coffee, I will hate on anyone who grows sugar cane – you know who you are. If I’m late to work, I throw out racially insensitive slurs about all of those who can’t drive. If I lose more sleep because my neighbors won’t stop partying in their driveway, I will smash their windshield with my pick axe and tell the world about. I will be an equal opportunity hater of idiots.

Until then, I hope you all have a wonderfully magnificent day. Turn that frown upside down and smile for crying out loud.

Debates and Debacles

Here’s the issue I have with the debating system as it relates to the modern era. All it seems to prove is that a person can speak in front of a camera…period. I’ve watched the last two debates, and I don’t think I’ve heard a single plan or actual statistic. One side says this will work, and the other side refutes by saying it won’t. One side says we need to ramp up education, the other side says we need to focus on Afghanistan. That’s great. What the hell does it mean?

Unfortunately, all a person can really get from a debate it the tone and confidence behind a candidate’s voice. Last night I heard so many apposing “statistics” it made it impossible to know who’s telling the truth. I suppose back before the Internet, televised debates were fairly important because the candidate’s personalities weren’t as accessible. But we know so much about the candidates these days that the actual debates don’t provide us any new information.

I don’t want to hear two hours of propaganda fluff. If you say you’re going to bolster education, tell me how. Are you going to provide private education waivers, reallocate funds so teachers get paid more, or restructure standardized testing? This is the information that will actually affect me. I want to hear numbers, strategies, and dates; not slogans, buzz words, and nicknames.

The worst part is that the next day the media actually tries to crown a winner. What is this, the Academy Awards? And the award for the best candidate able to skirt the issue goes to…

A Quote by Me:

Merely standing will only tire you out. Standing for something will make you stronger.

I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.

Fun Stuff

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Identity Crisis

Yahoo just reported on the fact that employers are checking the Internet before they bring potential employees on board. That’s right, your Facebook profile and Blogspot can work against you. Once again, I would like to congratulate Yahoo for digging deep into today’s issues and reporting on the obvious. I don’t know what I would do without them. Then again, I still read all of their boiler plate articles, so I guess that makes me just as bad as them. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I’m the douche bag.

Anyway, the worst part about employers checking up on potential employees is the fact that they are simply going off of a name. I googled myself and the second person that came up on the list has a Facebook account in which they call themselves Lucas Burt. Whether that’s their name or not, it surely isn’t me. Because many employers use this web-checking technique as a way to narrow down résumés, you may be getting graded on someone else’s profile.

I’m just throwing ideas out here, but it might be prudent to start including your profile addresses on your résumé. This way at least you know what your potential employer might be looking at. It might also give you an advantage. Let’s say you’re applying for a job in the non-profit sector, it might be prudent to gear some of your profile interests towards that potential job. You can leverage the information floating around on the web in your favor. Interviewing is all about manipulation anyway, so why not become a pro at it?

As a general rule, I wouldn’t post anything online that you wouldn’t want your boss to see, but if you really need a platform for that picture of you puking off the roof of your frat house, simply create a profile using your nickname. This might make your complete web footprint harder to define. And to that other Lucas Burt out there, I’m watching you, buddy.

Holy Crap on My Face

The fact of the matter is that I’m almost 28-years-old and still have occasional breakouts on my face. I can’t complain too much because I never really had a lot of zits growing up, but there are some things you just expect to outgrow; like wetting the bed, binge drinking, and yes, getting zits. I like to refer to them as sympathy pimples because my wife’s pregnancy has caused her to also become a candidate for Proactive commercials. So what’s the point of all of this? Toothpaste. Yup, toothpaste.

Last night my wife came into the living room with white dabs all over her face. “Don’t mind my zit medicine,” she said. I know we don’t usually have acne cream in the house, so I pressed her a little. Turns out, she put toothpaste on all of her zits. I’ve heard about this home remedy before but never game it any mind. Nonetheless, my forehead looked as though I was going through puberty all over again, so I covered it in Aquafresh, which burned a little. I don’t know if the burning means it’s working or I was actively whitening my whiteheads.

To my dismay – yes, dismay I say – in the morning I was virtually pimple free. Ha! Toothpaste! It’s a little ridiculous and a lot of mint freshness, but it still cleared me up. Now I just have to work on wetting the bed. On second thought, quitting binge drinking would probably take care of that as well.

Updates O’ Plenty

I will have to admit that I found myself slacking off in the blog department this last week. With my recent promotion at work, I had a lot on my mind and on my desk. Regardless, I will do better. Here are some updates for those who care:

The wife and I became landscaper extraordinaires. We finally found a use for the pallet of bricks that was left at our house when we bought it. After some discussion, we put in a small brick patio that will butt up against the deck that I still have to build. It looks good too. We also built a stone flower bed ring around some trees in the back yard. Overall, the additions to the back have really made it look like an actually yard. We’re excited for the grass to fully grow in, and like I mentioned, for me to actually build that deck – pictures to come. And kudos to my wife for being 7-months pregnant and still wanting to get on her hands and knees to lay brick and move dirt. That woman is something fierce.

My sister forgot that I’m an old man that works on his house and watches his kid all weekend, thus, rendering me useless past 10 in the p.m. She and my mom called me three times between the hours of 11:30 p.m. and midnight, waking me from my slumber. The worst part was that every time I made it to the phone, no one was on the other side. At least someone is still living carefree. Oh, the days.

Paul Newman died. This one sucks. I will write more on him later, but for now, I will say that he was an amazing actor and a good man.

I didn't edit this, so hopefully it's not too full of errors.

I'm still sick, and that still sucks. But my job kicks ass, so I can't complain.

Band of Horses

I know they’ve been out for awhile, but I’ve just recently been turned on to their cool stylings. They do for me what the Shins have done for so many in the indie scene. Similar in vocal inflection but with a more driving core to their songs, Band of Horses is easy on the ears. Check them out if you’ve haven’t yet. If you’ve been a fan for awhile, kudos to you for being ahead of the game.

Hump Day

No one likes to go to work on Wednesdays. They’re worse than Mondays in my book. At least with Mondays, and Tuesdays for that matter, you know that you have the rest of the week to get all of your work done. Pile up the paperwork because time is on your side. Thursdays and Fridays usher in the weekend. Even if you didn’t get all of you work done, you can escape your failures for 48 straight hours before you have to deal with them again. But Wednesdays…Wednesdays are the week’s purgatory. You’re in limbo between work and freedom. You still have a ton to do but not enough time to do it. You’re looking in the rearview mirror and through the windshield all at once. You’re back might not be against the wall, but you can feel the chill of the bricks. Damn you Wednesday, and your evil stigma.

A Quote By Me:

When neither side wants to give in, the only possible outcome is for one to give up.

10K

Well, despite the lack of preparation and a nasty cold, I finished my first 10K (that’s 6.2 miles for all you English folk). The course had more hills than MTV (that’s a bad pun for all of you who don’t think I noticed). In fact, I don’t think I was ever running on a flat surface for the entire race.

I ended up finishing in 51:26, which breaks down to 8:16 miles. I would have loved to have done better, but considering I’ve never ran over 3.5 miles in my life, along with the above mentioned excuses, I can’t complain. Come to think of it, I’m actually pretty proud of that time.

Now I lay in wait for Eric to drag me to another race. This time, however, I will train for it, so I have no excuses. Well, I’m sure I could fine one or two if I was hard pressed.

As a side note: Not that I didn’t already have some serious respect for my buddy Seth, who tore up a Marathon last year, I now have twice as much respect for his crazy ass. Running is hard. Running that far has got to be a hell of a lot harder.

The Chopper

I got my dog neutered yesterday. Now all he does is mope around saying things like, “Hey man, why did you have to cut off my balls?” It’s sad really. Oh well. Maybe now he’ll stop humping the rocking horse.

This Sucks

After avoiding the cold that's been circulating through my house for two weeks now, I've finally succumbed. And just in time for my race this weekend, which I haven't been training for. Awesome! Sore throat, headache, and a congested chest; yup, that rounds out the wish list. What's next, am I going to randomly break my big toe? Perhaps my dog will chew up my running shoes.

Sometimes, I just get the feeling like I'm not supposed to be doing something. But instead of heeding the warning, I ignore it. And that is why I'm a douche bag.

Microsoft Tries To Go Softer

The new Microsoft ads not only fall short of amazing, they also forget to actually advertise. They are obviously trying to put some emotion back into the brand like Mac has done with it’s stripped down but funny commercial campaign, but the result is off the mark. Showcasing Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld as common place people attempting to fit in with the world provides miniscule laughs, but by the end of the spot, you hardly know what the ad was trying to accomplish.

Conversely, the Mac ads work because they come at you on different levels. Yes, the ads are funny. But they also give you a visual representation of why Macs are cooler; an aural example of why Macs are hipper, and remind you throughout the entire spot that it’s a commercial for Mac.

The new Microsoft ads, however, are comprised of 90 seconds of irrelevant banter followed by a Microsoft logo. Yes, it’s funny to watch Gates try to be likable, but I don’t think I’m laughing with him. And while they are hoping the audience establishes an emotional connection with the brand, they don’t give us enough brand to connect with.

I know my PC will never be edible, yet that is what they allude to. Are they trying to be cute (I know the answer is yes) or just reminding me that they will continue to overpromise and under deliver? Instead of making Bill Gates likable, Microsoft needs to remind me of the positive feelings I get by using a PC. The Mac commercials do this wonderfully. They show you that you won’t get angry because Macs don’t crash or continually restart. They comedically compare creative project outcomes using a Mac and PC. They build off of a feeling you already have and connect them with their product as apposed to showing you a feeling then reminding you they also sell product.

I appreciate the fact that Microsoft is finally making an attempt at building its brands value, but I’m hoping for a better effort next time around.

I’m a Big Kid Now

I felt like a tried and true grownup today. I actually had to miss a day of work because my baby was sick, and there was nothing I could do about it. The worst part was that I had to take a day off without pay, which takes any enjoyment out of missing work. Oh well.

Current Project: BaileyWorks is a messenger bag company on the East Coast. I'm writing their website, and this is the first 1/6 page ad I wrote for them, which plays on the same theme. It will be in next month's National Geographic Adventure Magazine.

You got to love this ad campaign. It makes me want to buy a bottle of whiskey and be a man. I'm excited to get a client that's willing to walk this line. I enjoy a good balancing act.

So Here It Is (Smoking Kills)

My wife tried to fire me up yesterday by adding a comment on one of my blog entries regarding smoking. She knows that I’m not a fan and was hoping for rant.

“Did you also know that second-hand smoke carries far more carcinogens (cancer causing agents) than mainstream smoke (that which is inhaled by the smoker) and 30% of lung cancers are caused by secondhand smoke? If that doesn't fire you up, you're not the "Lucas Burt" I know and love. ;)”

So here it is:

I can’t stand smoking because it kills people. Yes, people die from drinking alcohol – both directly and indirectly. Yes, people can die from skydiving. Yes, I know people can die from just about anything. But the fact of the matter is that my grandmother died from lung cancer that was directly related to smoking, and she is not alone in that statistical category. I also know that people die from lung cancer that is in no way related to smoking. I don’t care. I’m not talking about there being a chance of getting cancer. I’m talking about there being a high probability of getting cancer.

You can also kill the people around you. Again, I know that drunk people kill others all of the time. But second hand smoke is deadly, and the people who suffer the most are those closest to you, i.e., your family, friends, and pets. So you can smoke around me as long as you don’t mind that I spike your coffee with arsenic every morning.

Smoking reeks. And I’m not talking about letting a fart out in an elevator kind of stink. I’m talking about getting in your clothes, your car, and everyone around you knows that smoke kind of stink. I bought my house over a year ago, and you can still smell the odor of smoke in certain rooms if I keep the door closed for any period of time. It’s ridiculous and still pisses me off when I come home at night.

I hate it when people smoke around me in public. I don’t walk up to strangers and fart in their face. I don’t do it because it’s gross. Now I know that some people wear too much perfume, which can also be unpleasant, but at least they are trying to smell good.

Yes, I know people get addicted and it’s hard to quit. People also get addicted to gambling, alcohol, meth, and heroine. That doesn’t make it any less of a problem. Sometimes you just have to buck up, and do the right thing; no matter how hard it might be.

Finally, I can’t stand the fact that if I go someplace for the evening where people smoke, I have a sore throat and am congestion the next day. This sucks. The bottom line is that smoking not only kills people, it’s also just gross.

Is this enough to your point my dear, or do you want more?

The Debate Continues

Last month a Snickers ad was pulled from the airwaves because it gay rights activists thought it was anti-gay. A quick rundown: Mr. T drove around in his burly van and throw Snickers at guys that were doing un-manly things like speed walking and pilates.

I’ve been in an ongoing discussion with my good friend Eric Strahl about the difference between being gay and not acting like a manly man. In my mind, those are two completely different distinctions. I was also curious about why this ad was the only one that received such negative press when many other ads say the same thing. The only difference is that no one gets hit in the face with Snickers.

Here is another example of an ad touting the idea of being a man. It’s not preaching anti-gay propaganda. It’s merely pointing out the allure of being a man and actually acting like one.

You have to admit that it’s pretty funny. It probably reminds you of your dad. It shows how cool it is to be a man, nothing more, nothing less. But why wasn’t this series of ads pulled?

Okay, so I work in advertising, which might be skewing my views. Regardless, this is still an interesting topic. We talked about it today before I came across this ad while doing some research.

Kanye in the Klink

Kanye West was arrested after an altercation with some cameramen, which resulted in smashed camera equipment at an airport. As much as I can’t stand Kanye West (his attitude, not his music), I hate the paparazzi even more. I know that you have to pay a certain price to be famous, but the paparazzi are ridiculous. I think there ought to be some sort of law that prohibits the amount of photographers at a non-sanctioned event or something to that affect. It’s starting to get dangerous for celebrities and those people around them with all of this swerving in front of cars, jumping on hoods, and sticking cameras in people’s faces all night long.

I’ll let you win this round Kanye.

A Bunch of Hoopla

I came across the word Hoopla in a headline today and it struck me funny. I know the word is in the dictionary, and for those of you who aren’t aware, it means excitement and was originally used amongst coach drivers. It’s just not something I expected to see in the headline of an MSNBC article describing the opening of a European scientific wonder. Of course, they call the scientific wonder an Atom Crasher. And even though that may accurately describe the machine’s purpose, the name doesn’t sound very scientific in nature. It is more reminiscent of a Vaudeville sideshow or an instrument of doom on South Park.

So I guess if you’re talking about Atom Crashers, you might as well use the term Hoopla. After all, it is very exciting. Now I need to get back to work before I start a brouhaha.

Better Together

I was doing some research today regarding forestry techniques, and I came across some information that has been a long time coming. It was a story discussing the need of environmentalist finding middle ground with the timber industry in order to harvest trees from local forests in a healthy manner.

One of the leading “eco-terrorist” of the 90s began reaching out to the lumber industry after fires started ravaging Oregon forests due to overgrowth and excess ladder fuels. It seems like a simple idea, yet, it has taken this long to be talked about. And oddly enough, the article urging lumber production and forest management to be brought back to Oregon was published in an activism magazine.

All I’m saying is that harvesting trees systematically using sustainable practices creates healthy forest. I worked for the forest service for several years and saw the benefits of this every day. The problem is that too many people refuse to find common ground. The fact of the matter is that the only way for the lumber industry and activists to co-exist is by working together. If they don't, they both fail.

Good Band

I just listened to Rogue Wave while researching them so I could write a radio spot at work. They’ve got a good vibe if you’re into the indie scene. Check them out.

http://www.myspace.com/roguewave

Symmetry is Better

I cannot stand asymmetrical haircuts. Yes, amongst stylist they may be all the rage, but their allure is beyond me. Studies have shown that symmetry is far more appealing when it comes to personal appearances, and I agree. It annoys me to no end when a woman cuts her bangs in a short jagged slant running across her forehead, or when the right side of her hair is a bob and the left is shoulder length. Seriously, why is this cool?

(I can understand a sweeping bang, but the short, choppy, slanted thing is too much)

It’s like all of the clothing designers on Project Runway that look like they got dressed using throw-aways from Goodwill. If you’re a designer, you should look good. All of the well-known designers that I’m aware of dress the part. Why do unknowns feel the need the go against the grain?

I know, I know; obviously people have their own preference and tastes. But it seems like nowadays people think it’s cool to be different just because it’s different. Unfortunately, different isn’t always better, unique isn’t always cool. That’s why all of the hard core fads die quickly and everyone that jumped on the band wagon are embarrassed when they look at their own pictures five years later.

If you’re going to take a stand on being different, at least make sure it’s actually better.

4 Years - Holy Crap!

Today is my wife and I’s fourth wedding anniversary. It’s been a good four years…well, most of it anyway. And even though we planned on having an evening out tonight, we both managed to forget that today was actually our anniversary. That’s right ladies, my wife forgot too. It wasn’t until one of my friends sent us a congratulatory text message that we both remembered to call each other. How about that.

Oddly enough, we already exchanged presents last weekend. Yes, we’re weak and horrible at keeping surprises. But because I know better than to fall into that trap, I will have flowers waiting for her by the time she gets home.

Even though we’ve been together for seven years, we’ll only get to officially count four of them. So congratulations to us, Malinda. We’ve put up with each other’s antics for yet another year. And since you’re pregnant, you’ll have to watch me drink a celebratory bottle of wine by myself tonight. Luckily for you, that also comes with the privilege of turning down my drunken advances. We sure know how to make it special.

I love ya, babe.

My Musical Suggestions for Eric:

Low vs Diamond are similar to the Killers, U2, with a touch of the shins. I didn’t listen to a ton of their stuff, but they seemed to have a good vibe.

Missy Higgins is an Australian singer that has a low key feel but good.
Dead Confederate brings more rock to the table.

30H!3 gets dance floor electronica on your ass. Some of it’s good. Some of it is really bad. Have fun digging through it.

Ra Ra Riot is a band full of smart people.

As a side note: I do not lay claim to finding any of these bands. I don’t have my finger on the pulse of the music industry. I just take a listen when someone suggests it. In fact, you've all probably already heard all of these bands, and I just wasted five minutes of your life. Sorry...suckers.

Buckling Down

I gave my word to Eric and Amber that I would run a 6-mile race with them in two and a half weeks, so I finally started to take this thing seriously. I’ve ran six times in the last two weeks, which is the most I’ve pounded the pavement in five years. My 3-mile time is starting to get more consistent, but I still haven’t attempted running the full six yet. I originally thought I could just stretch a little bit, run the race, and be amazing, but I now realize that I may have over estimated my abilities. Even though I’m averaging slightly under 8-minute miles, I haven’t tested that pace for more than three miles.

My first real hurdle will be this weekend. I’m going to try for a 6-mile run on Sunday. If all goes well, I will remain optimistic. If I can’t make it, then I only have one week to figure it out. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to being a little nervous. Luckily I’m stubborn, and hopefully that can equate to some amount of success. Regardless, this whole running thing has made me feel older than I thought it would.

On Hold

My job has definitely been more involved of late, which means that I’m putting my book on hold. It kind of sucks because I was pretty excited about exploiting my personal mishaps for monetary gain, however, this does mean that I’m actually working again. My job as a copywriter for Frank Creative has definitely taken up more of my time, but I’m growing as a writer and that will benefit my book when I can find the time to sit down and continue it. Seth, I will still try to edit a couple of my completed chapters and send them your way.

The King Has Died

Regardless of whether or not you’re a movie buff, you probably recognize the voice of Don LaFontaine. He was not only the king of the movie trailer voice over (in a world where..), but he also lent his vocal talents to over 300,000 radio and TV commercials. His voice was so popular that he even started spoofing himself in Geico ads and TV shows. Unfortunately he died today. He was 68-years-old.

Hooray for football season. It's a good time of year.

Sometimes life isn’t fair. Some questions cannot be answered. Some things you will never understand unless you go through it yourself. Today I will say a prayer for my good friend and his wife.

No Compassion

I have absolutely no compassion for the woman who was found guilty of killing her daughter by burning her in a microwave; especially having a child of my own. She was charged with putting her baby in the microwave after having an argument with her boyfriend regarding the identity of the child’s father. Throw out all excuses. This woman deserves no leniency. I usually try not to judge, but this sickens me to my core. In fact, I regret reading the article. I’m having a hard time not being utterly pissed off right now. So there that is.

The National’s appeal is foreign to me

In my good friend Eric’s eternal quest to broaden my musical horizons, he emailed me a song called All the Wine by “The National.” This is his second attempt turn me onto this particular band, and as much as I want to like them, I just can’t get past the lead vocals. The lyrics are good, the music is engaging, but the lead singer’s voice is exhaustingly boring. The songs lack depth because he has no vocal range. The song’s natural progression begs for the singer to fluctuate and build with the music, but he remains stagnant throughout. And I’m not talking about adding any of that R&B ridiculousness; I would just like to see minimal changes in tone.

Despite “The National’s” potential, every song Eric sends my way seems to fall flat. Sorry Eric. This one’s a miss. Regardless, I’m still open to your musical suggestions.

Isn’t It Ironic?

The author of “100 Things to Do Before You Die” died on August 17th after falling and hitting his head at his home in Venice. He was 47-years-old. Despite it being sad that anyone’s life is cut short, it is ridiculously ironic that he died at a young age.

I’ve always wondered if people are predestined to accomplish a certain number of things on this earth, and when their tasks are complete, their time is up. To error on the side of caution, I chose to ‘not do 100 crazy things’, so that I can hopefully prolong my life. Some people call it lazy. I call it prudent. And while my life might be a little on the boring side, at least it will be on the boring side for years to come. Knock on wood. No seriously, knock on some wood for me. I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.

Madonna

Madonna kicked off her new tour in Wales, wowing a crowd of 40,000. And after all of these years, I still don’t care. On a related note, Kid Rock’s new album is still outselling both Madonna’s and Mariah Carey’s. That’s funny. You’ve got to love the Rock N Roll Jesus. I’ll pound a 40 for that one.

The New Hollywood Craze

The last couple of years in Hollywood were devoted to celebrities having babies, adopting kids, or both. This year’s craze; car crashes. It seems like anybody who’s anybody in Hollywood is totaling a vehicle. Morgan Freeman, Shia Lebeouf, the Beckhams; all have been involved in some sort of wreck in the past month. And these aren’t your run of the mill Britney being mobbed by paparazzi fender benders. They came complete with torqued metal, broken bones, and hospital visits. Hopefully tinsel town knows about Allstate’s accident forgives plan. Perhaps next year’s Hollywood fad should be driving lessons.

Sophia at 16-months. Yeah, she's pretty cute.

Sophia and Harper are already best buds.

I'm still pretty proud of building that dog house out of scrap wood.

It’s Friday!

That’s right, it’s Friday - exclamation point. Today has a lot of potential. I’ll have to wait and see how it pans out, but good things might be coming down the pipeline. We’re supposed to sign our mortgage refinancing papers, I might get paid the money that’s owed to me from my last job, and I’m drafting my fantasy football team tonight. Not to mention I have the weekend off. So let’s raise our collective glasses to high expectations and hope we don’t get let down.

Random Thought

There are two types of people in this world. Those who use the word “douche bag” when describing a moron or idiot, and those who don’t. Nothing against the people who don’t appreciate the pure joy of calling someone a douche bag, you just operate on a different wave length. Perhaps you’re more mature or sophisticated, or maybe you’ve actually used a douche bag and are slightly grossed out by the whole thing. Valid as your points may be, there are worse names that get thrown around.

Really?

The Bigfoot debacle turned out to be a hoax?! Wow, I didn’t see that one coming. Ironically, it turned out to be an even bigger, more elaborate hoax than I had anticipated.

It’s Official

Malinda and I are going to have a baby boy in January. We’re pretty excited about it to. Well, I am at least. Malinda is a little worried about having to deal with a miniature version of me. I can’t really blame her. I’m even a little much for me to handle sometimes. Not to mention the baby is already smacking her around from the inside. Hey, you have to get your punches in when they least expect it. That’s lesson number one.

Robert Redford

Robert Redford turned 72-years-old today. Holy Crap! When did that happen? I knew he was getting older, but 72. That’s almost great grandparent age.

It creeps me out a little when I see the stars we grew up on getting up there in years. What’s even worse is when the next hot actor is almost ten years my junior.

Wii Related

I’m suffering from a Wii related injury today. After several high intensity bowling matches, I’ve found myself with a ridiculously sore right shoulder. And it’s not ‘I lifted weights for the first time in weeks’ sore. It’s ‘I just got hit with a ball peen hammer’ sore. I have a knot the size of a golf ball reeking havoc just under my trapezoids.

So how does this make me feel? Old, out of shape, and slightly worthless are the first words that come to mind. I’ve jumped out of moving vehicles, skied off of 20-foot cliffs, and mastered flips into the water from 35+-feet. Yet, Nintendo’s new game console got the better of me. Hmmm. Perhaps I should have stretched.

What’s next? Am I going to strain an abdominal while taking a deuce, or perhaps I’ll pull a hammy while changing the batteries in the smoke detector? At least when I broke my pinky two weeks ago, I was participating in an actual sport.

Bigfoot Mania

Bigfoot hasn’t been this popular since the aptly named Ford Monster Truck ruled the circuit and Harry and the Hendersons hit the big screen. During the last two decades, the man beast has been able to lay low and escape the redneck paparazzi. But just like Britney can’t resist showing the world her coochie, Bigfoot couldn’t keep quiet forever.

Two men claim to have stumbled across a Bigfoot corpse in Georgia and now have it stuffed in a freezer. Let the frenzy begin.

I for one am a little skeptical of the discovery. If Hollywood can convince me that aliens can blow up the white house and that Keanu Reeves can act, a photograph on the web doesn’t cause me to stand to attention. It’s an interesting thought and a potentially ground breaking discovery, but I’m going to need a little more evidence before I start redesigning the evolutionary chart.

Now if you will excuse, I have to tell the genie that came out of this weird lamp that I found my third wish.

Yes, it still hurts.

The more my pinky tries to heal, the more I think I might have broken it. It didn’t help that I went golfing four days after I hurt it. The whole interlocking finger thing, not so fun. Not only do I feel radiating pain as I type at work, but it’s really hampering my Wii playing. How am I supposed to become a Wii champion if I have to play injured all the time? I guess I’ll have to take some inspiration from the Olympics, dig deep and persevere.

I had too much work to do today.

Taking a Step Back - Am I a Flip-Flopper?

Alright, alright, I know that I was waving my freedom of speech flag proudly earlier this week, but I’m waving it a little lower today. A picture surfaced depicting the Spanish basketball team posing for a photo prior to the Olympics. All of the players appear to be using their fingers to slant their eyes. Ouch. This one was destined to piss people off. Even worse, the picture was taken to appear in a local advertisement.

In the Snickers ad I talked about earlier in the week, I couldn’t find enough cause for people to misinterpret the humor. In this incident surrounding the Spanish basketball team, I can’t find a reason the ad would be funny. Perhaps I’ve merely found myself on the other side of the fence, which I’m more than willing to admit. In comparison, I saw the Snickers ad as saying “be a man,” not “don’t be gay.” The Spanish team picture says “we’re going to China where everyone has slanted eyes.” I’m looking for another alternative to the joke but am hard pressed to find it.

I would like some feed back from the gallery, so I can see if this picture could raise a chuckle outside of frat house.

Thanks China.

I would like to thank China for making Americans look like they’re not that bad after all. In the Olympic opening ceremony a young girl sang Ode to the Motherland for the world to hear. Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t good looking enough to actually be seen. The Chinese organizers decided to have a better looking girl lip-sync to the 7-year-old as the Chinese flag entered the arena.

In America, even though we warp young girl’s minds on a daily basis with supermodel ads and commercials, we at least let the ugly ones sing if they wish (that sounds harsh – it’s supposed to be funny). We’ve proved our ability to care about the inept by making America’s Got Talent the number one show of the summer.

So thanks China for making us look better. Thank you America for giving the ugly and talentless a stage to perform on. And let’s also give thanks to the Internet for giving me a platform to bash on everyone else, so I can feel better about my pathetic life. Applause all around.

A response to Amber's question about phobias.

As a child it’s easy to think you’re invincible. Your body is growing at an amazing rate, your bone’s seem to be more cartilage than calcium, and every joint can be torqued into circus-like freak show positions. All of this can happen without leaving a mark. It’s like being your very own Stretch Armstrong doll on a daily basis. But as you get older you start to realize that the magical world in which you live can also bite back. That’s when you start developing a sense of fear.

Babies aren’t scared because they haven’t felt the consequences. Toddlers aren't afraid because they don’t know the truth. Teenagers leap before they look because they’re still just too stupid. I’m mean really, we’ve all been there. We should have known better. In fact, we probably did know better. We just figured we could overcome it. But the older you get, the more you know, and with knowledge comes fear.

Cancer, aneurisms, malpractices, and just plain bad luck can strike at any moment. Hell, even spontaneous combustion becomes an immanent possibility by the time you reach 25 years of age. Knowledge is the catalyst for our phobias. You realize that mom and dad can’t protect you anymore, bad things happen to good people, and sometimes life just goes south for the winter. There’s no magic wand or fairy dust that can put you back together again, Humpty Dumpty didn’t just fall off the wall, he actually became a vegetable omelet. And when it’s over, it’s over. But remembering the moment of this realization is a different story. For some, knowledge came gradually. For others, it came all at once.

For me, it's been a combination of concussions, family deaths, and my wife entering into oncology; those stories are depressing. Oh well. That's the spice of life. One day you're here, and the next day your not.

Mr. T. Feels Bad

Mr. T. said that he didn’t want to offend anyone with his recent Snickers ads. He reiterated that they weren’t meant to be malicious by any means. He understands Snickers position on pulling the TV and radio spots and hopes the public realizes they were only meant to be funny.

Afterwards I tracked him down and threw some Snickers at his face for being a wuss and expressing his feelings. Real men don’t have feelings Mr. T. Get some nuts!

This is Fun!

Like I mentioned before, I’m keeping modest tabs on the Olympics this year, but the men’s 400-meter freestyle relay got me off the couch and chanting U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A. Not only did we get to witness a miraculous finish, but the French added fuel to the fire by talking smack all week long. They put on the daddy pants, but forgot the belt. Now they’re left standing on the podium in second place and exposed. And my modest tabs became full-fledged hype.

If you haven’t had the opportunity to watch the event, do so. It’s a lot of fun even if you know the outcome. And if you still don’t care about the Olympics afterwards, then pack up and move to Canada because we don’t need ya. This is what the Olympics are all about. Go U.S.A!

400-Meter Freestyle Relay

Go U.S.A.

The Olympics have officially started, but I’m hard pressed in finding someone who cares. I plan on keeping tabs, but I’m amazed at how many people disregard the competition all together.

Get Some Nuts

The new Snickers campaign pits Mr. T against numerous Nancy-boy types. He’s armed with Snickers bars and the slogan “Get Some Nuts.” Basically it all boils down to acting like a man. Don’t speed-walk in short shorts, don’t do yoga, don’t cry at movies, and all of that jazz. Of course, the gay rights activists have started a feeding frenzy. To this I say “give it a rest.”

Yes, I know you have a plight. There are people out there that don’t agree with the lifestyle or its moral implications. Those are real issues. These ads aren’t. The bottom line is that there are many straight men that do all of these things to. The ad isn’t saying “don’t be gay.” It is saying “act like a man.” It’s playing off the stereotypes of how men used to act. It’s doing the same thing the Old Spice commercials do.

I don’t like the direction political correctness censorship is heading. There’s a reason a lot of stand up comics use this type of material in their jokes; it’s funny. It’s not malicious. It’s not vindictive. It’s humor. I’m a man’s man from Montana, but I’m also a little metrosexual. Should I be pissed off to? No one is defined by one thing, and we should be allowed to poke fun at our differences.

The end of the world…in reverse.

I don’t know if anybody has noticed, but gas has slowly dropped back down to under $4 a gallon. That’s right, every station I pass lists regular unleaded at $3.97 or lower. Where’s the hoopla now? Everyone freaked out when it broke the elusive $4 a gallon barrier on its way up, but not a peep was made when it came back down. I’m not saying that the world’s problems are solved, but at least the prices are heading in the right direction.

My Left (normal) Pinky

My Right (jammed) Pinky

Bottom of the Ninth

As it turns out, I’m both as cool as I thought and not as cool as I thought. This weekend I participated in a friendly home run derby amongst friends. I took it upon myself to urge everyone to sacrifice their bodies by diving for catches and leaving it all out on the field. When I realized that no one was going to dare to be amazing, I took the bull by the horns and laid out to make a catch. My superman impression paid off as I caught the ball in shallow center field. The impact, however, was more intense than expected.

My initial sliding form was good. I kept my left arm extended as I glided across the grass on my chest. Then my right hand hung up, rolling me over. At first I thought I was fine, but it wasn’t long until a throbbing pain started radiating through my right pinky. I don’t think it’s broken, but it’s easily the worst jammed finger I’ve ever experienced. My pinky is twice the size of its left hand counterpart. The skin is so tight that it’s grotesquely bulging at every knuckle.

Kudos me, for making a miraculous catch. Stupid me, for thinking I still have the skills to pull it off without injury.

Parody?

Exxon Mobile posted second quarter profits of almost 12 billion dollars while General Motors losses widened to over 15 billion dollars. That’s a big swing…

Best 2 out of 3

There’s going to be a Rock, Scissors, Paper contest held in Portland tonight. I’m sure it will have a novelty appeal for an hour or so. Not to mention you can win Miller Lite Gear! Holy crap, bags and shirts with the Miller Lite logo pasted on it. My mom would be so proud.

Talent?

Why do people like America’s Got Talent? I’ve tried to watch this show on several occasions to no avail. I find most of the acts boring, the judges listless, and the story lines trite. I was inspired by two 30-second promo spots and was immediately let down by their lame episode counterparts. I just can’t quite figure out why it holds the top ratings week in and week out. If American Idol is a glorified Karaoke contest, then America’s Got Talent is nothing more than a puffed up summer camp talent show. Both of which, are very forgettable.

Breaking News?

I know this is an every other week rant, but what the hell is up with Yahoo News? I have to go to the Yahoo page in order to view my fantasy sports teams. While I’m there, I scan the headlines. Granted, I don’t expect much, which is why being let down is that much more depressing. Headline for today…Again! Simple, unexpected ways to help you save gas.

What do they do, link to the same article every day and just give it a different title? Yes, we get it. Drive slower, less erratically, and properly inflate your tires. Or simply drive less. Done. I didn’t need an article to tell me that. And why? Because I read the same article last month, last week, and yesterday. I was also lucky enough to hear it on the radio last month, last week, and yesterday. And did I mention I watched it on the local news last month, last week, and yesterday!

The funniest thing is that they still report it to us like it’s actually news. Here’s the actual news. If you don’t already know how to increase your gas mileage, find a mirror and look into it. What you’re seeing is a complete moron. Now raise your right hand and try to slap the stupid out of you. It probably won’t work, so try again just for the hell of it.

From a NY Times article titled:
10 Things to scratch from your worry list.
By JOHN TIERNEY

6. Toxic plastic bottles. For years panels of experts repeatedly approved the use of bisphenol-a, or BPA, which is used in polycarbonate bottles and many other plastic products. Yes, it could be harmful if given in huge doses to rodents, but so can the natural chemicals in countless foods we eat every day. Dose makes the poison.

But this year, after a campaign by a few researchers and activists, one federal panel expressed some concern about BPA in baby bottles. Panic ensued. Even though there was zero evidence of harm to humans, Wal-Mart pulled BPA-containing products from its shelves, and politicians began talking about BPA bans. Some experts fear product recalls that could make this the most expensive health scare in history.

Nalgene has already announced that it will take BPA out of its wonderfully sturdy water bottles. Given the publicity, the company probably had no choice. But my old blue-capped Nalgene bottle, the one with BPA that survived glaciers, jungles and deserts, is still sitting right next to me, filled with drinking water. If they ever try recalling it, they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers.