Jackassalope

The Fate of Man!

Apparently we can’t enjoy anything anymore. A recent study shows that artificial sweeteners in diet sodas actually interfere with your body’s ability to know how many calories it has ingested throughout the day. The lab animals that were tested consumed more calories and gained more weight when eating the fake sugar. Yikes!

Now we’re going to have to find an alternative for the alternative. What’s next? Are they going to find out that O’Douls actually can get you drunk, and that there’s a good chance you may like the Incredible Hulk even when he’s angry? My world is turned upside down once again. I guess we’ll all just have to stick to fruit juices and water. On second thought, we better test the natural sugars in fruit to make sure their juices don’t cause cancer. While we’re at it, I want to see the numbers on water as well. I’m pretty sure it’s the culprit for my recent rash of adult acne.

In fact, it might be safer to avoid food and drinks all together. That way we know that we’re not ingesting anything bad for us, and no one will ever be fat again. It will also help with the earth’s overpopulation; reducing the average human life span to 4-10 days. Brilliant!